weird or gifted???

redirect yourself

2007-01-13T09:00:00.000Z

for further updates, please click on the blog title. otherwise, drop me an email and i'll see what i can do.

to my fans

2006-11-01T10:59:00.000Z

sorry for the absence. well, actually, i've really discontinued the blog. this one, at least. had another (secret) one going for a bit, but couldn't sustain that, either.

i'm back in the motherland. just arrived today. maybe i'll see some of you, maybe i won't. maybe i'll stay long, maybe i won't. maybe i'll tell you where i'm going, maybe i won't.

if there's one thing i've learned this year - keeping people in the dark is better for your own health sometimes.

two words.

the.
mother.

(refer to archaic post.)

she keeps asking about the irishman. each time, i want to say - bugger off.

the horror of it all - she probably discovered the information through this blog. so lord knows what else she has read.

whatever. she's never going to understand, anyway.

bugger off

2006-07-09T00:31:00.000+01:00

can i actually have my life to live, please???

so long, cruel world...

2006-04-28T18:38:00.000+01:00

today, i have self-destructed. multiple times.

and i realise it's time to give the blog a rest.

good night, and good luck.

run like the wind...

2006-04-10T04:42:00.000+01:00

got knocked out of you. that's how i feel whenever i go for a run in the morning.

why the running? well, in my temporary lapse of judgement, i decided to join a 10k run in edinburgh next month. i have four weeks to get ready. and so far, i haven't been shaping up.

i started "training" in february... but the past month has been so hellish that i hardly had the energy to continue my daily runs. (blame it on project work. i have teamed up with two design maniacs. but more on that some other time.) plus, i have developed a shin injury from running the wrong way, aggravated by my flat foot. and finally, my bum knee (right side) has been acting up lately. so no intensive training for the past four weeks. and i've been paying for it.

i've never had good cardio-vascular endurance. but it has improved in march, after a few weeks of running. now i'm back to scratch. aaaagh. some days my lungs give out first, some days my legs. at any rate, some part of my body throws in the towel, and the rest of me goes with it. i seriously doubt i can finish the 10k run in two hours. i'll probably just walk it. for three hours. how stupid is THAT???

i seriously hope my shin splints get better soon, and that my bum knee starts cooperating. for now, i'm just working on my cardio endurance by walking all over london. and a few trips to the gym, using the low-impact elliptical running machine. but even on that, i could hardly keep my pace anymore. so sad. i used to be able to go for 45minutes straight without getting tired. 10k on that thing is easy for me. unfortunately, i have to run on pavement, outdoors. which means factor in foot impact and wind resistance. plus incline. don't even get me started on edinburgh's chilly weather. urgh.

here's to the next four weeks. if i don't make it... i guess i have to switch to more low-impact sports. like swimming. (now THAT is something to look forward to!)

squeaky clean

2006-04-01T21:32:00.000+01:00

the flat is. yesyes.

at the quarterly flat dinner (also celebratory birthday dinner for the three of them), the south american suggested that we spend this saturday cleaning the flat. everyone agreed. and i was glad. because i intended to clean the flat on my own, anyway. but now i don't have to. happy happy joy joy.

i expected to start in the morning, but apparently noon is the normal waking hour in this flat. oh well. as long as the flat gets cleaned. which it did.

the fun started around 2pm. we drew lots to see who gets to clean what... and i got the bathroom. whee. i would have preferred the kitchen, but i'm also glad i didn't. because we were done cleaning the bathroom even before the other two were halfway through with the kitchen. (if you find it incomprehensible, just imagine six month's worth of grease and grime collecting on all surfaces.)

and don't think that we (the chinese guy and i) didn't clean the bathroom well. i scrubbed the bathtub with bleach 'til kingdom come. it is now WHITE again. and my hands smell like bleach to prove it.

so, being that we were more efficient cleaners, we waddled over to the kitchen to help out. (you know better than to expect the chinese girl to do a good job housekeeping, don't you???) and what site greeted me? the south american scrubbing the stovetop. and the chinese girl washing dishes that were supposed to be washed one week ago. d-uh. at least she scraped the oven grill clean. (sort of.) and she cleaned and washed the dishrack and cutlery tray. three cheers for her.

so who ended up cleaning the cooking area? everyone but chinese girl. as expected. the chinese guy cleaned the oven (good job, by the way!!!) and the chilean scraped the toasted grime off the hobs. and i scrubbed everything down. but to her credit, chinese girl vaccuumed the kitchen, and (finally!) took the trash out. all three bags. good girl.

i have to say, i feel really happy seeing the kitchen in pristine condition. i can't wait until she leaves for china next week, so i can relish living in a clean flat for at least three weeks. oh, the sheer pleasure of not having a grimey kitchen!

oh, and here's the kicker. the south american asked her to scrub the pot clean. the second one that she burned black on the inside. how sweet is THAT??? (side note - the first pot she burned black, i scrubbed clean. and it was in worse condition than the one she had to scrub. i kept it in my room for my own use, because when i asked her to clean it... she put it in the rubbish bin. harhar. proof of damage follows.)

before . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and after.

applause, applause.

putting price tags

2006-03-03T10:44:00.000Z

i just got my assessment reports for term 1 yesterday. in short, i got my grades. and i am not too happy about them.

alright, i admit it. i'm stuck in a performance trap. i feel like i need to be the best (or close to the best) whenever i am in an academic environment. i guess chasing the elusive valedictory title in undergrad made a monster out of me. i.e. i became grade-conscious and highly competitive. right now i'm not competitive, but i'm still grade-conscious. (i guess a 50% improvement isn't so bad.)

the grading scale is a bit different from what i am used to. it's still on a scale of 100, but the honours cut-off mark (they call it "distinction" here) is at 80. achievable, i thought. i hardly got any grade under 80 in my whole life. so you can imagine what a blow it was to my ego when i saw my grades in the 70's range. and one in the 60's. ugh. i think i prefer looking at the letter equivalents. two B's and a C. no mid-range letter grades (A- or B+) here. just glaring alphabets that show you how low you are in the pecking order.

okay, fine. term 1 submissions were really not my best work. maybe i have to cut myself some slack. i still needed to adjust to the environment - physical, emotional, academic. let's say there is a 10% adjustment factor. in which case, i am in the A level if i adjust my grades. oh, how i wish.

i am trying hard not to focus on the numerical equivalents of my academic efforts. i am curbing the urge to calculate my current average, and how much i should aim for in the next three terms. argh. i should have known better than to go get my grades. (you have to ask for your report at the graduate school office. they don't get sent automatically.)

everything changes once you put a price tag on it. suddenly i felt as though i am not even supposed to be here. or that i don't even want to be.

that's it. no collection of academic reports in term 2. some things are just better left unknown. after all, the point is to learn. and to grow. not to get a star on my diploma.

right. now time for dissertation research work.

meet russell

2006-02-25T20:21:00.000Z

isn't he the cutest??? heehee. i didn't really name him after anything or anyone... but russell DOES happen to be the surname of the boy's favourite philosopher. hrm...

the new kid seems to be getting on nicely with my other bedmates, fergie (the green frog) and isobel (the purple moose). what a lucky coincidence that they're all beanies!!! i just love beanie toys. heehee.

thanks, dearie. russell is much appreciated.

blech

2006-02-24T09:39:00.000Z

that's how i feel today. been running around a tad too much the past week. and i don't mean exercise.

just had a good slice of raspberry cheesecake to lift my spirits. i think i need more.

this week has been the most stressful thus far into my graduate programme. nice to know i'm not wasting money here. but really, a girl can only take so much. that is why i declare today a personal holiday.

will be going to st martin-in-the-fields for a lunchtime concert at 1pm. pianists of the world series. aaaaaaaaaaaah. to hear good classical piano playing. that should soothe the nerves.

i realise i've been neglecting my blog of late. but what can i do, my life is so packed with things to do that i can't even squeeze in a few decent paragraphs. i do miss writing those little insightful blurbs about life and people. i feel i've become a bit banal these days - none too poetic about the things around me. how sad.

well. as i seem to say a lot nowadays - life goes on.

argh. just remembered. i have to stay home to wait for a parcel pick-up for my father. GRAR. that just really puts a damper on things. that is the NTH time this week that this thing has screwed up my schedule. it's so annoying that it's not even funny. nerves shot again.

dammit.

pleasant surprise

2006-02-19T09:14:00.000Z

for the first time in years, i received flowers on valentine's day. of course, i had to be halfway around the world for something like this to happen. of course, the flowers had to be sent by someone twenty thousand miles away. my blueberry pancakes got burned that morning (i had to leave them while signing for the package), but i'm not complaining.

i should have taken photos the day they arrived. the flowers don't look too healthy now. oh well. just imagine them fresh, and not quite in full bloom. they are quite pretty, though. especially the pink and yellow ones. heehee.

the bouquet came with chocolates and a teddy bear. talk about pulling out all the stops. effort well appreciated, sir.

now i have to name my new bear. hm. will post photos of him once i have him christened.

some days, it feels great to be a girl. heehee.

harassed

2006-02-06T10:16:00.000Z

i don't usually post this often, but i'll make an exception.

last night, on my way to dominion theatre, a strange man asked me if i'd like to go to a hotel with him. he'll pay me sixty pounds, he says.

he got off the bus right after i did, and after a few paces caught up with me and made small talk. usually i don't respond, but what the heck, i thought.

you from japan?
no.
where you from? china?
sort of.
what? where's that?
yes, china.
i see you take the same bus a lot.

warning bells going off in my head. no response.

what do you do? do you work?
i'm a student.
where?
at the architectural association. - like he'd know where THAT is.

i see. you live in king's cross?
no. - shit. he knows which stop i got on.

no? where do you live?
islington. - flat out LIE.

ah, islington. you live in student housing?
no, i share a flat...
with friends?
yeah.
so how do you like london?
it's...
it's expensive, yeah?
yes, it's VERY expensive. - i think i said this too emphatically.

at this point i had to cross the street, and i decided to use it as an exit. he seems to be still going straight down the road.

i'm going this way now. - crossed street to island. left stranger on other side of road.

mumble mutter take the 73?

i turned around. he was following me.

i thought he wanted the 73 bus. i pointed to the stop we got off. you have to take the 73 from that bus stop over there.

are you going somewhere?
yes, i'm meeting friends at the dominion theatre.

THEN he popped the question.

want to go to a hotel with me?
no. - check street for oncoming traffic. making getaway.

i'll pay you sixty pounds.
NO.
you sure?
YES. - crossing street. don't look back. end of conversation.

THIS, before that comment about not having people skills. HEH.

on building a reputation

2006-02-03T20:33:00.000Z

apparently, i now have a reputation in my class. in the middle of last term, the irishman and the american guy coined the term "clar-oogle" - the result of stringing my name and google together. hrmph. my greek teammate says it's a compliment. ask a question, and you'll get an answer.

this has been further validated by my other classmates. the hongkong girl (she calls herself hongkongese, how funny sounding is that?) sometimes says, "do you have...? of course, you do. you have everything." yesterday, another greek girl said the same thing. "eh, do you know where we are going? (millisecond pause) of course you do." like it's but natural that i have the answer to everything.

it's nice to be in the know, but i get the feeling i project that image a little too much. to the point that people give me a ribbing by saying, "oh come on, this is not characteristic of you..." or "i'm disappointed, this is so unlike you..." when i take longer than usual to come up with results. case in point - leading a small class trip to a drama school. i didn't print out a map anymore, because i pretty much knew what the map looks like. result: we walked up the street for ten minutes after we've passed the school. i've never been to the place, and i couldn't recall the exact address when we were going around. (i later recall that the school does not HAVE a number, just a street name.) lo and behold, it was just a hop, skip, and a jump away from the tube stop we came from. but, in my defense, the place had big letters saying "embassy theatre" in front. and smaller (think font size 8) letters on a side door saying "central school of speech and drama".

of course, in hindsight, i did recall reading the words "embassy theatre" somewhere in the materials i found related to the school. it sounded familiar when i saw it, but it didn't register straight away. then there is the sign just outside the tube station with an arrow pointing in the direction of the school. when the american guy saw that sign, he told me, "hey, you shouldn't feel bad about not finding it." i'm sure he was having a good laugh inside. but 'tis ok, i DON'T feel bad about it. i'm smart, after all, not omniscient.

i guess i have to keep myself from answering all the questions i hear from now on - especially those not even addressed to me. but sometimes i can't help myself. (i'd like to think it stems from the compulsion to help people. but in hindsight, it could be the propensity to show off. eeps.) they're looking for an answer, i have it, why keep it to myself? it shouldn't matter where the information comes from, but that they got it. right?

argh. okay. i'll shut up now.

dumb & dumber

2006-01-30T08:43:00.000Z

i think i'm losing brain power. i have a hard time focusing, my memory is not like it used to be, i have a harder time with reading comprehension. or maybe i'm just reading heavier stuff nowadays. like this article on the harvard gsd (graduate school of design) magazine. i was stuck on this thing for HOURS last night. then there is the reading i should be doing for our new project. i can only do one chapter at a time, after which my mental faculties subsequently collapse. whereas i used to sit at my desk ALL DAY reading materials for research.

and of course, there's memory loss. i go through a material, and when asked to discuss it, i draw up blanks. or near blanks. insubstantial summaries. i seem to be lacking the facility to take note of key points and commit them to memory.

one thing i've noticed as well, i don't form solid opinions on something as easily as my other classmates. i don't know if that means i'm less judgemental, or i'm just slow on the uptake. most days i think i'm the latter. further validated by the fact that i cannot make incisive queries during lectures, or immediately after. i take things at face value, no questions asked. i don't know if that's a good thing. it could mean i understand everything and have nothing to ask, or i have not digested the information thoroughly enough to formulate questions. again, i am inclined to think the latter.

nothing like being in grad school to feed your intellectual insecurities.

sustained injuries

2006-01-25T22:35:00.000Z

see what happens when you get the wrong size ski shoes and actually ski (or at least, move) 10k in them.

exhibit a. 3 layers of bloodied socks. from left to right, innermost to outermost sock. all worn on the right foot on the day of injury.

exhibit b. blister on right foot, day 3. skin was peeled off 12hrs earlier.

bruises from surfing, blisters from skiing. let's see what i get after i go rock climbing.

free!!!

2006-01-12T21:36:00.000Z

at last, i have been released from the bondage of COURSEWORK!!!

i handed in my papers this afternoon, over 24hrs before the deadline. applause, applause. of course, it does not help to know that it was four days behind my personal deadline. but anyway.

i have one full day of freedom tomorrow. i am giddy at the thought of being able to spend one day at my own leisure. finally. i can iron my clothes. harhar.

going to stuttgart on saturday morning for our study trip. will have the weekend to do the whole tourist bit before heading over the freiburg. porsche museum, anyone?

and today, when i DON'T need to stay up late... i am not sleepy. murphy's law. then again, i wake up early, anyway. hardly clocked in more than six hours of sleep per day this week. and i'm doing f-i-n-e. except that my appetite has been getting weird. i either have two breakfasts or two lunches or two suppers. i eat four times a day. eegh. i'm sure THAT is not helping my figure.

walked around north central london today. decided to take the slow, scenic route in having my papers bound, returning my book, and handing in my work. window shopped on the way, and had my dollars converted to sterling. which i may or may not convert to euros. i still have no idea how much i should bring with me. oh well.

it feels strangely liberating to actually have time to BLOG. wahahahaha.

my thoughts are jumping all over the place, i know. i'm sorry, this is the first time in WEEKS i have allowed my mind to wander aimlessly. so there.

oooh, going skiing right after the study trip. yeeehaw!!! good ol' r&r!!! travel insurance - check!!!

this is gonna be a great week. i can just feel it.

okay, NOW i'm feeling sleepy. heh.

ick.

2006-01-06T08:54:00.000Z

i come home to a flat that has not been cleaned in three weeks. or longer. ick.

spoiled milk in the fridge. mould-laden tomato paste. ick.

gray bathtub floor. foul-smelling trash bags in the kitchen. unwashed dishes. and a toilet bowl that has become an indescribable colour.

ick ick ick.

i cannot imagine how these people live in these conditions.

note to self - do not share a place with pigs. again. EVER.

(no, i am NOT cleaning up!!! oh shit. maybe i am.)

time to re-stock the larder.

it's a beautiful day.

leaving.

2006-01-04T19:45:00.000Z

in 12hrs i will be on my way to the airport. my bags are only half-packed. my design project is only half-done. it's due in a week, with all the other papers. i haven't even started on the other team paper. i think maybe i took on too much responsibility for the team projects. or i took too much time cleaning up the first one. blame it on obsessive-compulsive behaviour. and tendency towards obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. sigh.

have not slept in the last 20hrs. thinking if i should still go to bed, or just stay up until i get to the plane. after all, i need to adjust time zones (AGAIN).

was too busy to meet a few friends. a few friends too busy to meet me, as well. of course, it did not help that my father decided to schedule the family vacation during the week that most people will be available. he's out to ruin my social life, i tell you. just kidding. (did you actually think i was serious?) then there are the friends who did not understand what "please set an appointment" means. (it means tell me when you want to see me, you dolts.) they don't read my blog. they probably don't know it exists. they probably don't even know what a blog is. heh.

this break was extra stressful for me. had i known i will be working this much over the supposed vacation, i wouldn't have come home. but noooooooooooo... 1. my father expects me home; 2. the tutors did not tell us about the freaking schedule until it was too late to change plane tickets. then there is the trip to some god-forsaken pacific islands which shall be left unnamed. not to say i did not have fun... but i could have had more fun doing my own thing in my own time. that is to say, go surfing without those three papers and one design project hanging over my head. but what can i do? it's been established long ago that my life is not my own. that is, until i left for london. thank god for small miracles.

okay, getting sleepy. time for some shut eye.

goodbye, peeps. you most likely won't be hearing from me until the easter term break. which is in march.

for the meantime, just read the archives. i'm sure there's something that could entertain you in the meantime. or check out my blog links. those should tide you over for the next twelve weeks.

now, to bed.

parallels

2005-12-31T13:24:00.000Z

two presents. two letters. two men.

one girl.

twice cried.

in two different ways.

for two different reasons.

to know someone so well
and realize you do not know him well enough.

to know someone for a short while
and realize he knows you more than you thought he did.

two men.

both wondering who the other is.

each knowing he is one of the two.

i love you.

you two.

in two different ways.

for two different reasons.

pack up and leave

2005-12-22T19:53:00.000Z

i have not told anyone this. not a soul. but i have decided to let anyone who has access to this blog find out.

when i leave home in january next year, it will be for good.

sure, i'll come back. to visit. but manila won't be my home anymore.

this much i know. i've seen it happen to my older sister. maybe it will happen to my older brother. but i know it will happen to me. so just embrace the reality. besides, i want it to. happen.

i've seen what life outside these walls can offer. and i will take it. i want to have life, and have it to the full. staying here is not exactly the way to live a full life.

how do i know this?

when i left my flat in london ten days ago, i felt SAD. a wave of sorrow crashed over me like some irrepressible force of nature. something i never felt when i left the place i have spent 26years of my life in. i have only lived 90+ days in london. and yet it felt more like home in many ways than this place ever did.

for all my life i've felt that i don't belong here. sometimes the feeling disappears. like the past year. i was inexplicably happy with my life. sure, there are downsides, but i coped. i was satisfied. can't exactly say there's nowhere else i'd rather be, but the thought of leaving immediately hardly surfaced. probably because i knew i was leaving sooner or later. more like sooner.

but in london... there's nowhere else i'd rather be. it's not the perfect city. it's not the perfect weather. it's not the perfect life. but i'm happy. happier than i've ever been in a long time. happier than i could ever remember. life made sense over there. life was simple. the most i had to worry about was how to split my laundry into darks and whites. okay, that's an over/understatement. but you get the idea.

perhaps all my life, i just wanted to get away from the me that i am over here. the unhappy, negative, supressed and frustrated me. the trapped me. the me that has to live according to everyone else's expectations and demands. the me that is subjected to rules i do not quite believe in, yet follow. the me who sometimes wanders aimlessly through life, doing the "right" thing, but not necessarily the good thing.

in london, nobody expects anything of me. nobody knows who i am or how i am. they are just in the process of finding out. and frankly, so am i.

in london, i'm not just me. in london, i am the best me i know i can be.

and that makes all the difference.

home sweet...

2005-12-17T01:28:00.000Z

hell. (copyright belongs to captain obvious.)

you know i'm home when i have this irrepressible urge to blog. and i actually do.

it's been over 72 hours since i got home. the novelty is fast wearing off.

i am once again the kitchen maid. and then some.

my body has yet to adjust timezones. sleeping at odd hours is not good for my mood, much less my tolerance of annoying relatives. even when one is living in an island ten degrees closer to the equator than i am. (never underestimate the far-reaching powers of irritanting siblings.) and then there is the mother.

of course, it does not help that my old mobile number is still inactive, and i am still disconnected from the people i would much rather be with than abovementioned kin.

up side - best friend loaned me phone to keep to connected to at least ONE other human being outside the nuthouse. theatre-bike-text-coffeeshop boy helping out with schoolwork. (i have GOT to think of a better name for him. urgh.) team paper almost done. currently working on design project, and making good time (i think).

now i have to brave metro manila payday weekend christmas rush traffic to bring my younger sisters to the mall located in the middle of christmas hell. let the games begin.

heading home

2005-12-12T07:29:00.000Z

it's been a little over three months. i can't believe it.

flying out of heathrow in ten hours.

finally, have a few minutes to spew out a half-decent blog entry.

where do i start?

life is good. life is great. i've got two team papers, one individual paper, and one design project due when i get back in january. other than the impending stress, i'm doing alright. looking forward to seeing old friends. telling them about new friends. and life on the other side of the planet.

and for those interested, i had a second date with the hugh grant double two saturdays ago. i had fun. that's all you're getting, unfortunately.

right. looks like i even have time to vacuum my room. whee.

and so it goes

2005-11-14T22:00:00.000Z

this morning a truck driver stopped to say "ni hao" (i think) and let me cross. he tried to make small talk (yes, in the middle of a pedestrian crossing) but i just smiled and said thank you. i guess my loser appeal crosses borders and cultures. heh. so much for filipino security guards greeting me on the street.

but on to other things. like schoolwork.

or the absence of.

for some insane reason the tutors decided to change things up a bit, and give us INDIVIDUAL design work. instead of the traditional team design project. because we have been "progressing at an impressive rate in comparison to the previous years." i don't know how much of that is bollocks. but whatever. the point is they're making things up as we go along. and the result is a couple of headless chickens in one classroom. i'm not talking about the students, here. okay, maybe i am, too.

it's a bit frustrating to not know where you're going, or what you're doing. we're given bits and pieces of what we COULD be doing, or what we MIGHT have to submit, but no clear indication of EXACTLY WHAT the end product is supposed to be. i know tihs is not undergrad, and that they shouldn't be feeding us everything. but that is exactly what the tutors are doing, and worse, they're doing it a week at a time. i'd much rather they just give us the bottom line and have us figure out how to reach that on our own. honestly, though, i don't think the tutors even know what the end goal is. hurrah.

we had group presentations again last thursday, and our team volunteered to go first so we can get more comments. and we did. get more comments. compared to the last time. BUT... let's just say quantity is not the same thing as quality. and ours is not an isolated case, i think. the other teams that presented didn't get as thorough a scrubbing as i would have expected. heck, *i* had questions for my classmates that the tutors didn't bring up! and they're just BASIC questions like, did you make sure the base conditions are consistent throughout the study? or maybe, so how do you interpret this data, and what exactly do you understand about it? not to be callous about it, but i feel like *i* could be teaching this course!!! then again, i took this up five years ago, so i really have an unfair advantage.

and now for the good news... i'm glad i did not get into the 16-month program. because as it turns out, the m arch students are going through the same things the m sc students are. same classes, same courses, same project work. just different timetable when it comes to the dissertation. which may be a good thing, but not necessarily. prolonging the agony, so to speak. and paying dearly for it. (in pounds sterling!)

thank god for small miracles.

as my sister says, HE knows what's best for me.

amen.

date update

2005-11-11T20:20:00.000Z

finally... here’s the head’s up on last weekend’s date.

i went shopping the friday before just so i can "dress appropriately." (HIS WORDS!!!) i got myself a coat and boots, and it was the most expensive shopping spree i ever had!!! waaaah!!! still thinking if i made the right call about the boots... they’re really nice and comfy, though. they’ll probably be worth the investment come wintertime. ANYway...

we met up at a bar near the theater. he was dressed more casually than i expected. Grar. hate him for that. thanks goodness i was not THAT overdressed. if i had shown up in more formal wear i'd have killed him. i swear.

we had a drink before the show, with 30mins of getting-to-know-you conversation. i had half a pint of guinness (that dark brew they call "ale" which happens to be the "national drink of britain." heh.) and, if any of you know of my past encounters with alcohol... let's just say i didn’t finish my one unit. talk about loser. AAAAAAAAAAND... my head hurt all throughout act 1 of the play. loser loser loser. i had to exert extra effort to focus on the production because the headache just made me want to go to sleep. and dig this... it was shakespeare. no everyday language for you!!! mental faculties were given a run for the money. agh. but I survived beautifully, thank you. he was surprised. he thought I wouldn’t have been able to handle the dialogue, given that english is not my native language. "even if your english is perfect" – hah!!! i told him i read shakespeare. he was doubly surprised. i don’t know if that means pretty points for me, but whatever. giving up after half a pint of guinness was more than enough to offset whatever points I chalked up with good shakespearean background.

the show was three hours, we finished almost 11pm. he was considering going to another bar (karaoke, this time. wahahaha.) but i begged off. my head was still throbbing, and i really don’t know how much more i could take. he waited until i got on a bus home, then we parted ways. how anti-climactic, huh? oh well, what do you expect? i went home and had my late LATE post-alcohol dinner. yay.

so there, my first dating experience in the land of endless fog. not too bad, as far as dates go. except for the part where i had to endure verses and rhymes with a throbbing headache. but i have to say, i thoroughly enjoyed the show. i was so absorbed (partly a by-product of sheer willpower) that half the time i forgot i was out on a date. hahaha. kevin spacey as richard ii... not too bad, but he still needs work on his voice projection and theatrical sense. the set design and production work was amazing, though. just have to say. (appreciation for such spawned from minor experience in theatre. but of course, we didn't get to discuss that. heh.)

so, first date over. life goes on.

concentrate, concentrate!!!

2005-10-31T23:34:00.000Z

cannot focus on readings for tomorrow's lecture. ultimate GIRL phenomenon has occurred. dwelling on repurcussions of agreeing to go watch theatre with hugh grant look-alike. gaaaaaaaaaah!!!

okay. so it's not necessarily a bad thing. and besides, it may not really be a date. but then, who goes to the theatre in a crowd? or as non-couples, at the least? not very many people. double gaaaah.

so it most likely IS a date. yes. now what???

this is what i get for being such an impulsive, eager-for-theatre-action lady. but like i said, it's not really a bad thing. i could be going out with, well, someone who does NOT look like hugh grant. harhar.

thinking about it is seriously impeding my reading. it is keeping me from my books!!! goodness gracious, stop the presses. we have an emergency here.

i have no idea what to wear.

whatagirl.

i can go on and on about what could happen, or what shouldn't happen, or what i DON'T WANT to happen. but nothing's happened yet, so why go that far?

BECAUSE I AM A GIRL.

gaaah.

i am going around in circles here, i know.

so you got asked out by an arguably cute and undeniably smart guy. who MAY be shorter than you are, but has other redeeming qualities. take it in, relish the moment, smile, and move on. get your reading done. the world stops for no one.

right. ten pages to go.

IQ test

2005-10-29T10:41:00.000+01:00

tell me what's wrong with this picture.

okay, it may not be clear enough. zooming in...

human genius strikes again!!! dingdingding!!!

good job!

2005-10-27T18:59:00.000+01:00

just finished the second of my group presentations today. the title says it all. i feel really happy. bouncey-bouncey happy.

i don't know what it is. maybe because our tutors didn't really press for more information about what we presented. maybe it's because they liked the idea of showing photographs of different spaces using the same camera settings for an objective comparison. which was my suggestion, taken from undergraduate coursework on daylighting. i like this project because i know pretty much know what i'm supposed to be doing, and how i should do it. like i said, i've done something similar at my local university. kudos to my professor in manila. he made our lives a living hell while taking his course, but it's making grad school easier for me in some respects. for this course, anyway.

i'm also happy because i have FOUR WHOLE DAYS of free time. what a luxury. but of course, i shouldn't treat it as just free time, but as extra reading time. i am starting to fall behind on my course readings. then again, the lecture series are going slower than i expected, so i'm still on track. sort of.

i worked 'til 3am this morning, finishing up the slideshow presentation for my group. then again, that was partly due to the time lost inside a cinema. haha. well worth it, though. got tickets for half-off. £4.50 for a ticket, instead of £9. man, entertainment doesn't come cheap in this side of the world. speaking of which, i have yet to watch a west end show. have to see ewan mcgregor in guys and dolls before someone else takes the lead role in december. i must!!! ooh, i have tomorrow off! *ting!*

another good thing about having a lot of time on your hands is that you actually have time for household chores. not that i'm really looking forward to domestic activities, but i have a pile of clothes waiting to be ironed. and i like having enough time to cook real food. not just throw everything into the microwave and be out of the kitchen in fifteen minutes. but then, that's just me.

okay, time to work on those books.

gender issues

2005-10-18T20:25:00.000+01:00

you know you're in grad school when...

a girl walks by with a pile of textbooks, and guys holding beers simultaneously get off their seats to get a glimpse of the titles. how funny is THAT?!?! nice to know that these guys are really into what we're studying.

two weeks ago, last year's students gave a presentation on their theses / dissertations. four girls and two guys. from their powerpoint slideshow, you can really tell how differently each gender thinks. the girls gave pretty detailed accounts of what they did, and how they did it. maybe 20 slides per gal. the guys had less than ten slides each. so funny. and i think i was the only one who noticed it. makes me wonder if i'm in the right profession. maybe i should be a psychologist or a sociologist. heh.

and talking about guys and dolls (it's the title of the play starring ewan mcgregor, btw.) - not many good-looking guys around. i just have to put that in, thank you. furthermore... the above-average looking males are generally shorter than i am. STILL. even on THIS SIDE OF THE PLANET. a belgian schoolmate said i'm even taller than the average belgian female. and that's saying a lot, if you consider that he is 6'6" tall. (although he IS taller than the average belgian male, as well.) the average belgian male is around 6' or so. i guess i know WHERE i have to go... harhar.

today i noticed something kinda funny going on between two of my classmates. maybe i'm over-analyzing, buuuuuuuut... i see sparks. ooh la la. fortunately, both of them are pretty attractive in their own ways, so i have no objections. (not like THAT would make a difference, anyway.) and speaking of attractive...

the girls in my class are beautiful. inferiority complex creeping in yet again. gaah. and i don't know if it's true or they're just funning around, but two of the prettiest girls are gay. or bi. whatever. but i just find it very queer that someone as physically alluring as they are would reject men, when in fact men would fall all over them. or maybe that's the reason. i dunno. if that IS the case, then i'm VERY straight. hahaha.

as for demographic data... my class is 33% female. 57% of whom are greek. eep! 76% of the class is taking the 12-month m sc, 19% is doing the 16-month m arch, and one person is doing a ph d. of the 16 people taking m sc, 31% are women. of the 4 people taking m arch, 25% (i.e. one person) is female. the ph d student is a guy. do you see a standing pattern here? my sister is right - not many women take graduate studies. oh well. i've never been part of the status-quo, anyway.

the single girls of the class made a deal - the first one who finds a boyfriend should buy the rest a round of drinks. not that i'm expecting to be treated out, but i think my wallet is pretty safe for now.

hard work

2005-10-12T22:52:00.000+01:00

just finished dinner, after a long day at school. been building a model, making drawings, and serving as in-flight entertainment for the past 12hours. my head is throbbing, but it doesn't really hurt. i just feel spent. haven't worked this hard for... hm. three months? hahaha. but it's a different kind of work... right now, i'm doing something for myself. not for some grumpy old boss. and i'm more tired now than i was last july. probably because i can easily brush off the pressure exerted on my by other people, but i can't really escape the pressure i put on myself. the funny thing is, i don't feel tired until i stop working. an hour ago, i was still good - except that i was hungry. harhar. i'm not really making sense now, am i? chalk it up to fatigue. mental faculties not completely intact.

it feels kinda good to be doing something creative, though. and to be working with other people as a team. plus, building physical models are always fun.

okay, time to get some rest. long day (again) tomorrow.

have internet...

2005-10-08T19:26:00.000+01:00

will live! wahahahaha. of course, FFH had nothing to do with it. durr. guy TDK was responsible for the wi-fi presence in the flat. hurrah for him. he inadvertently applied for telephone service as well. (i think it was bundled with the broadband package, and he didn't quite understand the conditions.) but i'm not complaining. that means one less utility bill for me. which, incidentally, has already gone beyond the £30 limit in the two weeks it was in operation. three guesses as to who is responsible. (there are four of us in the flat, just in case you forgot...) and the answer is... tan-ta-ra-raaaaaaaaaan!!! FFH!!! *applause applause* she has spent every other night staying up late talking to her boyfriend/husband in princeton. (really, i don't know if she's married or not, her stories change every time.) so i am doubly glad that i do not have to be held liable for her exorbitant phone calls. now all i have to do is wait for the telephone bill from the previous operator...

in other recent developments, i have finally met all of my classmates. we're a really diverse bunch, i should say. a lot of displaced nationalities. (i.e. german afghani, american croat, canadian nigerian...) how cool is that?!?! i'm sure i'll be learning a lot from my classmates, on top of my tutors. (that's what they call professors here.) and speaking of tutors... they're also a good mix. our program director is turkish greek, one tutor is half-portuguese, the other is british german. (i think...) and i just have to say, the portuguese tutor is UBER CUTE!!! wahahaha. i'm being a total airheaded girl by saying that, but who cares. he IS. oh, and i also have an irish british (durr) classmate who looks like hugh grant. and i'm not the only one who thinks so! my hongkong classmate said so, too. unfortunately... i'm taller than he is!!! not by much, but still... *sigh* i have to say, i am quite surprised (not to mention DISAPPOINTED) that 25% men in this side of the planet are STILL shorter than i am. huh. oh well, at least the odds are better than back home, where i am above 50% of the male population. (you can interpret that whichever way you want.)

since we are talking about that darn irish... he said he was baffled at how well i could speak english. in verbatim - your english is perfect. haha, look who's flattered. plus, a number of people have commented on how i don't have any perceptible accent. i guess being a grammar nazi has its benefits. the downside being inordinately buggered when speaking with people who have horrendous english, i.e. TDK flatmates. gaaah. i swear, my english has been deteriorating since i got here. how ironic is that???

i've been here a month, to the day. and for someone who's never lived on her own before, i think i'm doing great. as the british say... fantastic.

gaah!!!

2005-10-03T20:52:00.000+01:00

see what i have to live with...

house warming

2005-09-28T06:29:00.000+01:00

last night we had our offical house warming (flat-warming?) party. my shanghainese flatmate invited one of our closest-living schoolmates to dinner, which in itself was not a bad idea. the bad idea was not telling me about it before inviting them. it irked me that i only found out the same time the guests found out. in short - she invited them in front of the uninformed flatmate. talk about respecting your rights to the flat. (which, if you get into the economics of the thing, is more mine than anyone else's, since i pay a bigger chunk of the rent.) but anyway. it was fun. mainly because i get to hang out with people MUCH more interesting than my own flatmates. hahaha. (i'd post pictures if this weren't such a public site. sorry, personal preference.)

the food, according to the guests, was excellent. and we cooked more than enough for six people. that's the chinese for you - always an excess in food. too much is better than too little. the FFH (flatmate from hell) did not do such a bad job cooking, i think. but she did not really do an excellent job, either. (she pan-fried the mashed potatoes, for who knows what reason. it did NOT improve the taste, i should say.) the other mainland chinese flatmate (the guy) did a better job cooking. i think he's a better cook than she is. but they are BOTH messier cooks than i am. i spent most of the time cleaning up after them, because if i had left them to their own devices, the whole kitchen would look like the aftermath of hurricane katrina. not kidding.

oh, and i had to do damage control when the guy used ceasar's salad dressing on the fruit salad. (holy cow, where do these people COME FROM?!?!) but it was funny, and we all had a good laugh about it.

the guests were just super. they're all attending the same school, and they are in the same three programs we are. the dinner table was populated by two m a's, two m sc's, and two m archs. two mainland chinese, one filipino (guess who, haha), one egyptian, one belgian, and one hongkong resident who studied in the united states, so she's sort of chinese-american. three girls, three guys. a great mix, don't you think?

dinner conversation was excellent. i did not get bored out of my wits, or insane with bad english. (by that, you can tell which people dominated the conversation. harhar.) we tried to learn a little dutch, which was close to impossible, but nevertheless entertaining. having these people over for dinner just made me wish i had cooler flatmates like them. as it is now, i'm the only cool person in the flat. okay, fine, the chilean guy is pretty cool, too. haha.

at the end of dinner, the guests even helped clean up. they are just really the best. but what i appreciated most was the decent conversation they provided. not exactly deep or philosophical or intelligent. but enough to keep my brain from atrophying.

now why do i have to be stuck living with such small-minded people?

oh, right. because they're chinese.

*sigh*

just checking in

2005-09-24T11:04:00.000+01:00

yes, i'm still alive, and i have not been arrested, deported, harassed, kidnapped, blown up, run over, or incapacitated in any way. i still have ten fingers to type blog entries. hurrah hurrah.

within two days of my arrival in london, i have made phone calls from the trademark red telephone booths, and ridden on the trademark double-deck buses. (see photo.) it's been pretty crazy, but i guess not as crazy as it could have been. maybe. my two biggest blog fans know what has transpired during the days-of-no-internet-access. *shudder* for everyone else, let me just make a list of the program highlights...

arrived in london, went to flat which i am sharing with new schoolmates, signed contract. started moving in the succeeding week, in bits and pieces. mom went crazy with the grocery shoping. had to rein her in more than once.
mommy-sat (the adult equivalent of baby-sat) for over two weeks. some days she's ok, some days she just really drives me up the wall. (i should say, my mother tolerance has gone up a few nothces since the last time i was exposed to her 24/7. my older sister, on the other hand, has gone to virtually zero-tolerance for the mother, due to constant non-interaction with said specimen. tsk tsk.)
met up with older sister and bro-in-law. they saw flat, they hate flat, they make me find new flat.
spent half a week (and close to 20 sterling pounds worth of phone calls) finding better flat. no such thing exists. (well, it does, but it also comes with a hefty price tag. durr.) resigned to living in sister-declared icky flat.
brought mother to airport, where constant my surveillance and assistance were still much needed. sometimes i wonder who really is the adult in this relationship. (my older sister was more worried about my mother getting around london for two weeks, than she is of me living in london for twelve months.)
met up with classmates and schoolmates, travelled over the thames river to hear british architect sir norman foster (of recent "gherkin" fame) speak, only to find out the program sheet had the wrong venue. just wasted time and transportation money to hang around with classmates. not too bad.

school registration is on monday, and i suppose i will be really busy after that. but rest assured, you will hear from me again. to gripe about my indescribably inept flatmates. all of them in general, and one of them in particular. the one who keeps asking about the internet access for the flat, but is actually supposed to be the one working on it. i shall say no more.

for now.

in transit

2005-09-07T16:00:00.000+01:00

i am at the airport lounge, waiting for my 13-hour flight to london heathrow. i have one hour to burn. how does it feel to be one plane ride away from a new life? i dunno. my shoulders still hurt from lugging a 10kg backpack all the way from manila. (hey, it was either that or paying $35 PER KILO of excess baggage. seven of which i was able to unload prior to my departure. my checked luggage weighs 30kg, on the dot. *applause appluase*)

my paranoid father called right after i landed and got a signal on my mobile. talked to him throughout my airport security check - can you believe that?!?! the only time he hung up was when i have to put the phone through the x-ray machine. and then, he had to follow it up with an sms message. i don't know if it's separation anxiety or something else.

now a stranger interrupts and asks that i help him send email. fongi to the rescue!!! saving the world before bedtime. right. will check in from the foggy city once i get internet access. until then... just read the archives.

sentimental

2005-09-04T15:50:00.000+01:00

in less than seventy hours, i will be on a plane that will first take me to hongkong, and from there, i will fly to london.

it's so weird to finally leave home.

last night, my church friends (and my sister!) arranged for a surprise going-away party. i guess i was so strung-out or otherwise distracted, that i didn't even see it coming. when normally i would have smelled something like that a mile away. to think, there were a couple of slip-ups already. haha. i guess i didn't quite expect people to make a big deal out of it. but it made me happy, and i really appreciated all the effort they put into it. the funny thing is, i just sat there pretty dazed the whole time. just listened to everyone else talk while grabbing a few bites. there was a live act at the restaurant, and the singer asked if there's any special occasion for the night... or course, the boys yelled that it's my going-away party. there was the standard-issue "any requests?" line, which was more or less brushed aside. but the band proceeded to play "leaving on a jet plane" - supposedly for me. which just cemented its status as my current theme song. the chorus of that song has been brought up three times in the past month - in telephone conversations, sms messages, and side remarks. and yes, i've played it in my head a couple of times.

being dazed, i didn't get all sentimental and weepy during the party. and i didn't shed a tear throughout the night, while spending one last sleepover with some friends. even when they gave me the scrapbook they made, or when we browsed through it. i didn't read the notes yet, though. i wanted to save those for later.

so we stayed up until 3:30am, talking about everything and nothing. i got around three hours of sleep, which made me wonder why on earth i agreed to stay up so late. i was sleepy all throughout sunday worship service. thank goodness the unearthly hours didn't affect my voice, as i had to sing in the choir today. everything was going ok, until towards the end of the service. the worship leader announced to the whole congregation that i was leaving the country. then i started getting teary-eyed. fortunately, i stopped myself in time. what a mess i would have looked if i did start crying. in front of everyone. ugh.

but of course, my friend noticed. before i left, she mentioned it. and the floodgates were opened... i couldn't stop myself from crying. i can say that the lack of sleep has caused serotonin imbalance in my brain, making me a tad more melancholy. (like you'd buy that.) it's probably all the hugs and the goodbyes. and the realization that it's my last day at my church of almost ten years.

earlier this evening i read the notes in my scrapbook. and the tears just made their way from my eyes to my cheeks. (i swear, i had nothing to do with it.)

i never thought i'd cry when i leave. but i guess people and things have come to mean a lot more to me... i think it would be sadder if i had left without shedding a tear. because it would mean that after 26 years, i don't have anything i care enough about in the place i call home.

new template!!!

2005-09-01T06:09:00.000+01:00

hihi, i am so happy about my new blog layout. and it only took all of 30minutes to set up. for those who do not know, the background image is that of the british museum in london... a portent of things to come, yes?

at least something was able to get me out of my funk this morning. see sideblog.

still need to tweak a few things on the sidebar, and the fonts. but i'm pretty happy with how it looks now. =) well, that's a first. a smiley on my post. (i don't usually put emoticons when i write. only on comments, if you've noticed.)

*interrupted by phone conversation with father*

&^%$#@! i'm leaving on wednesday!!! and i thought my flight was on thursday!!! &^%$#@! this is what happens when you have CONTROL FREAKS for parents. you don't even know your own schedule. *sigh* i'm SO glad that i'm working ahead of schedule. (as ahead of schedule as one can get a week before they fly.) at least my freelance project is already close to done. will meet the contractor later to iron-out kinks, then i'm outta there. oooh... time to collect. hahaha.

the flat situation has not yet been resolved, but the flatmate issue is pretty much under wraps. i have two or three flatmates. (depending on how big a flat we can get.) will be arranging appointments with letting agents today and tomorrow. i can almost smell the london fog. aaaaaaaaah...

okay, time to grab some grub and get a move on.

expended expendable

2005-08-28T16:00:00.000+01:00

*sigh*

i'm so doggone tired i don't even want to blog anymore. all the thoughts that i wanted to put down have come and gone. and i don't have to energy to recall them.

i just want the rest of the world to leave me alone for eleven days. maybe even ten.

for ten days, maybe remember that i am working on a deadline on virtually every single thing i have to do. and that, although it may seem like i have a lot of time on my hands, what with being unemployed and all, i actually don't. i have the same 24 hours everyone else has. and it seems like everyone is claiming a lot of my 24 hours for themselves. thirty minutes here, twenty minutes there... *sigh*

maybe for the rest of the time i'm around, people can actually show that they value me. and they respect my time. that i was not made to wait around and wait on everybody else. that, as much as it seems contrary, I HAVE A LIFE. and it's not THEIRS. it's MINE.

and maybe, just maybe, they'll realize that i'm already totally spent. that there's nothing left for me to give. then maybe they'll stop taking.

you think YOU have a bad job...

2005-08-25T17:07:00.000+01:00

Big jobs that pay badly
Some careers cost time and money to take up. But don't expect a big paycheck.
August 17, 2005: 10:39 AM EDT
By Jeanne Sahadi, CNN/Money senior writer

NEW YORK (CNN/Money) – Most of us work hard for a living. And if we're lucky, we're well compensated for the effort.

But there are some jobs you should take only if you really love the work because the investment you make to get the job and the hours you keep aren't necessarily commensurate with what you earn.

Not that all careers in this category are necessarily low-paying, at least not by national standards.

But they may require a great deal of time and money in graduate education, offer working conditions that only passion can excuse, and there may be such a long run for the roses that you forfeit prime working and child-bearing years just to achieve a salary that college peers were earning a decade earlier.

Here are just three of those jobs.

Architects

For every Philip Johnson or Frank Lloyd Wright in a generation of architects, there are countless more who work without fanfare on the everyday buildings where we work, live and shop.

Architects may spend up to seven years completing undergraduate and master's-degree studies, or up to three-and-a-half years in a master's program if they majored in another area during college. To be eligible to take the licensing exam, they also must log three years as interns working for licensed architects.

Architects with a master's might enter the work force with between $50,000 and $80,000 in student loan debt. But as first-year interns, they might earn only $34,000, the national median according to the 2005 compensation survey by the American Institute of Architects. Meanwhile, several steps up the ladder, senior architects earn a median of $68,900.

* the rest of this article can be read at cnn money. but i have to just put in this last line by the author...

So, to those who earn their MBAs in two years and snag six-figure jobs soon after graduation, your jobs may be hard, but maybe not quite as hard as you think.

amen to that.

interneeeeeeeeeeeeht

2005-08-25T06:31:00.000+01:00

finally, after two full days of internet deprivation, i have local, personal, DIRECT access to the world wide web once again.

i feel alive. hahaha.

opened my mailbox, and i have thirty-two new messages. ten of which are personal emails. two of which are regarding flats to rent, one of which is regarding a flatmate. which brings to mind one of the more stressful aspects of moving. but i will not dwell on that right now.

really, the overflow of information is making my head spin. unlimited access to the information highway!!! hooohah. can you spell n-e-t-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t?

of course, i have to check my poor neglected blog. (two days is long in blogging time, you know.) a few new comments, and a tag. not bad.

so little time, so much to surf. *sigh*

excuse me while i peel myself off this pc.

my head

2005-08-21T15:23:00.000+01:00

it hurts.

spent most of the afternoon with my clients, choosing bathroom fixtures, tiles, and what not for their condominium unit. of course, virtually nothing has been resolved. except that i have to come up with a bill of materials within the week. waaah. kill me. kill me now.

only resurrect me a day before i leave for london.

i think i am having a mild heart attack. my head hurts from the increased blood pressure. which keeps me from thinking straight. which slows down my production. which makes me panic even more. repeat.

i need to take a breather. but taking a break would just make me worry about what i SHOULD be doing. goodness, i am so NOT used to working under pressure anymore. i used to always thrive on buzzer-beaters. then again, those things weren't really my own projects. less accountability. so THIS is what it feels like to be your own boss. and your own employee. man, i need a raise.

blogging is supposed to help me cope with the stress. come on now, COPE!!! BREATHE!!! *sigh*

i feel lightheaded. i swear, if i were the type, i would have fainted dead away two hours ago. instead i end up with a dull throbbing in my head. hurrah for me.

time to focus. shyeah, right.

and did i mention that i'm still getting stressed out about the flat / flat-sharing issue? of course, the father had to bring it up while i'm busy WORRYING about my project. one at a time, please.

i need a body double. and a stunt double. and a work double. heck, let's just clone ten of me for good measure. okay, wait. that's not such a good idea.

gaaah. i'm losing it.

i am SO losing it.

flat hunt

2005-08-20T15:02:00.000+01:00

so here i am, looking for a flat in london. and/or flatmates. i don't know if my parents understand how DIFFICULT it is to arrange for long-term accomodation online, from twenty thousand miles away. i have seen a number of viable options, but no, my flatmate has to be chinese, if not east / south-east asian. take note - not just asian. south-east asian preferred, east asian acceptable. south asian unacceptable. HELLO?!?! who is going to be living abroad again? you? me? ME?! REALLY NOW??? well, how come i'm not the one making the decisions around here???

*sigh*

as if having four less days to get ready isn't stressful enough. (my suitcase is 95% full, by the way. which COULD mean i'm 95% done packing. operative word being COULD.)

so what's wrong about living with a caucasian? as long as they're practicing christians, i don't think i'll have a problem with them. really, some people have screwed-up priorities. is it more important for me to FIND A PLACE TO STAY FOR 12 MONTHS, or is it more important that my flatmate speaks chinese??? well?!?!

yes, i'm stressed. somebody PLEASE tell my parents to give up on the stringent borderline-ridiculous requirements, and see the big picture. that i NEED AN AFFORDABLE PLACE TO STAY FOR ONE YEAR. it's already a given that i'll have to share - flats in london are WAY too expensive to live alone. so now that i've agreed to not live on my own... can you let up on the chinese requirement???

my space

2005-08-19T05:30:00.000+01:00

i received a newsletter from my space. i was just going to unsubscribe myself to their mailing list, but i thought, since i don't usually check that website, might as well cancel that useless account. heck, i only have three friends on that thing. 1% of the contacts on my friendster account. so off to my space i went. and guess what met me there.

a new message.

from a male stranger.

who wants to be "friends" - or something more.

stop me from laughing my ass off, please.

ever since i started that account, i've had more than three "hello there" messages. what is it about that site?!?! LOSER CENTRAL.

the messages (yes, there were two) were about a month old. i couldn't help myself. i checked out his page. he is a 39-year-old entrepreneur from california. all-out sales pitch in the profile - sensitive male looking for interesting female companion! and... dig this. he has ZERO friends on his contact list. pick me up off the floor after i run out of breath laughing, please.

at least he's not from london. hahaha.

yes, i cancelled my account soon after. about ten minutes ago.

like i said - i am a loser magnet. and london will be the acid test.

hold on to your hats, people, this girl's got some stalkers to dodge, and possibly some hearts to break.

early departure

2005-08-18T15:25:00.000+01:00

yes. my exit has been bumped up by four days. i now have 21 days left on this island.

when the announcement was made (obviously, it wasn't my idea) i felt... sad. among other things. because leaving four days earlier meant missing one extra weekend with my friends. stressed, because i have four days less to clean my room, pack my suitcase, and finish my freelance project. sentimental, because the fact that i am leaving is sinking in even faster.

and those feelings lasted all of... twelve hours? maybe fifteen. because the next day, i got myself my lonely planet europe backpacking guide. it's sitting on my night table, still unopened. but the fact that it's there, waiting for me to pore over the pages... it gives me a strange feeling of exhiliration. the thought that i might go backpacking in spain, portugal, and france just makes me excited at leaving earlier.

then there's the prospect of meeting mr right. as my friend / chatmate put it... "you're a guy magnet... i doubt there are many losers in london." oh, we'll just see about that, friend. we will see. at any rate, the thought of meeting new and interesting people always puts me in a better mood.

right now, the biggest problem is the flat and/or the flatmate. getting there earlier should help in that department. so no worries. (not much, anyway.) the lord will provide. he's gotten me this far, right?

28 days

2005-08-15T06:06:00.000+01:00

yep, 28 days to go. visa interview tomorrow. and i'm still not halfway through my list of things to do before i leave.

so, back to my life on hand.

saw "swan lake" last saturday. the ballet itself was wonderful, the circumstances surrounding it not exactly pleasant. let's just say the family was being a pain in the arse. we had one ticket left over, which we sold at the venue to a tall, admittedly good-looking, and undeniably gay man. drats. as for the show, it ran for two and a half hours, and the venue was packed. half of the audience were less than half my age. i cannot believe it, either. what were these parents THINKING?!?! and i doubt half of the adults present completely appreciated the ballet itself on more than one level. (snob speak, sorry.) and, ballet being a predominantly female activity, i can't help but notice one thing... the men in the show were pretty useless. hahaha. (what a statement. and from a ballet, of all things.) the lead ballerina was superb. absolutely. every other dancer onstage just paled in comparison. not to say they weren't good, but this girl was definitely a cut above the rest.

the rest of my weekend involved getting blisters on my feet for walking a significant distance in heels. and a recurring foot sprain due to athletic activity. somebody tell this idiot to lay off the injury-prone activities for the duration of her stay on this island.

then there is the harebrained idea concocted during the last remaining hours of the weekend. which involves a surfboard and a three-hour drive next saturday. and off we go. (pending parental consent.)

eloisa to abelard

2005-08-09T08:42:00.000+01:00

by alexander pope

excerpt from lines 177 to 248

Ah wretch! believ'd the spouse of God in vain,
Confess'd within the slave of love and man.
Assist me, Heav'n! but whence arose that pray'r?
Sprung it from piety, or from despair?
Ev'n here, where frozen chastity retires,
Love finds an altar for forbidden fires.
I ought to grieve, but cannot what I ought;
I mourn the lover, not lament the fault;
I view my crime, but kindle at the view,
Repent old pleasures, and solicit new;
Now turn'd to Heav'n, I weep my past offence,
Now think of thee, and curse my innocence.
Of all affliction taught a lover yet,
'Tis sure the hardest science to forget!
How shall I lose the sin, yet keep the sense,
And love th' offender, yet detest th' offence?
How the dear object from the crime remove,
Or how distinguish penitence from love?
Unequal task! a passion to resign,
For hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost as mine.
Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state,
How often must it love, how often hate!
How often hope, despair, resent, regret,
Conceal, disdain — do all things but forget.
But let Heav'n seize it, all at once 'tis fir'd;
Not touch'd, but rapt; not waken'd, but inspir'd!
Oh come! oh teach me nature to subdue,
Renounce my love, my life, myself — and you.
Fill my fond heart with God alone, for he
Alone can rival, can succeed to thee.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.

Far other dreams my erring soul employ,
Far other raptures, of unholy joy:
When at the close of each sad, sorrowing day,
Fancy restores what vengeance snatch'd away,
Then conscience sleeps, and leaving nature free,
All my loose soul unbounded springs to thee.
Oh curs'd, dear horrors of all-conscious night!
How glowing guilt exalts the keen delight!
Provoking Daemons all restraint remove,
And stir within me every source of love.
I hear thee, view thee, gaze o'er all thy charms,
And round thy phantom glue my clasping arms.
I wake — no more I hear, no more I view,
The phantom flies me, as unkind as you.
I call aloud; it hears not what I say;
I stretch my empty arms; it glides away.
To dream once more I close my willing eyes;
Ye soft illusions, dear deceits, arise!
Alas, no more — methinks we wand'ring go
Through dreary wastes, and weep each other's woe,
Where round some mould'ring tower pale ivy creeps,
And low-brow'd rocks hang nodding o'er the deeps.
Sudden you mount, you beckon from the skies;
Clouds interpose, waves roar, and winds arise.
I shriek, start up, the same sad prospect find,
And wake to all the griefs I left behind.

for the bored

2005-08-08T08:18:00.000+01:00

if you've got time to kill and extra neurons to spare, hop on over to my other blog... durrr. it's a team-up of the most maladjusted people i know. proceed at your own risk. and don't say i didn't warn you.

on other matters... i am now starting to pack my bags for the big trip. and cleaning out the aggregate junk in my room. looks like it's gonna take a while...

and on a totally unrelated note, i would just like to state that my personal best (and generally, standard consumption) at a buffet dinner is seven plates. four entrees and three desserts. have done that in two buffet dinners in a row. (excluding weddings - i still have SOME poise, you know.) let the record show that, at age 26, i can still have seven plates for dinner and not throw up or feel physically ill afterwards.

meanwhile, today's dinner is four hours away, and there is a roast pig with my name on it. (wait, that doesn't seem right...) oh, whatever.

bad day

2005-08-05T16:22:00.000+01:00

some days you just wish you weren't born.

i should have known today was going to be a bad day. should have known it since the time i got a throbbing headache early in the morning. one that didn't go away for the rest of the day. until i took a pain killer this evening.

everybody in the house hates me. almost. i don't know. i just feel so... unwanted. like a major let-down.

when in fact all i did was not get home in time for tonight's ballet.

which is not entirely my fault, because i told them a million and one times i'll be out this afternoon. i was at the office. and i left a good hour before i was due home. it was raining. i was stuck in traffic. i ran red lights and plunged headlong into floodwaters to get home in time. only to find my two sisters not quite ready to leave yet. not ready enough for me to change into a different top and still wait a good minute or two in the car. but still, it was my fault. or it seems like it.

it wasn't my fault mom wanted me to drive her someplace this morning. and i had to run late for my lunch date. which was also pushed back because my friend had a 1pm deadline. it's not my fault traffic was against me, and 90% of the streets in the city of my destination were either one-way, or didn't allow left turns or u-turns. it's not my fault i spent 30mins going around in circles just to get to the parking lot. and you can't blame me for wanting to rest a while once i got to the office. i was in the car more hours than i was anywhere.

it's not my fault my obile ran out of batteries. they were supposed to last until tomorrow. apparently, there is something wrong with my charger, and the power outlet in my room. up to now, my phone isn't charging properly.

but still, it get this feeling that it was my fault. not that they said anything to me, but they pretty much blamed me when they reported to mom.

forget that i cooked and cleaned for four days in a row, two to three meals a day. forget that i was almost always the one left home to open the door for everyone else while they were out. forget that i pretty much paid for tonight's disaster with the last remaining cash in my wallet. forget that i drove for four hours out of my ten-hour day. and that this was the first time i was out of the house for more than two hours to do my personal stuff. that's saying a lot, because it takes me at least 30mins to get anywhere, usually longer.

and even though i know it's not really my fault, i still feel bad. like it IS my fault.

god, i wish you would just take me away. some days, i really just can't go on like this.

good news?

2005-08-04T08:17:00.000+01:00

excerpts from a bbc news article...

London was the most cost-effective city to study and work in, as higher wages outweighed the living costs, with Liverpool and Birmingham next, it said.

The research shows the average London undergraduate spends £243 a week on living and housing costs, but earns £150 from part-time work, leaving a gap of £93.

Of the £9bn to be spent next year by students, RBS said about £3.5bn would go on rent.

Another £1bn is expected to go on supermarket food shopping, £722m on going out, £342m on books and course materials, and £198m on music and CDs.

The recent study by the Association of Investment Trust Companies found students expected to leave university with an average debt of £7,208, while parents estimated it would be £9,741.

However, both were well short of the actual average debt a student has on graduating, which is £13,501.

The RBS survey is based on interviews with 2,639 undergraduates.

Student earnings league
'Cost-effective' towns for students, in ranking order
1 London
2 Liverpool
3 Birmingham
4 Manchester
5 Sheffield
6 Cardiff
7 Coventry
8 Southampton
9 Dundee
10 Leicester

Source: Royal Bank of Scotland

looks like working in london is better than working anywhere else. as a student, anyway.

enneagrams

2005-08-03T04:14:00.000+01:00

found this interesting little test via poni's blog. and this is what came out...

first test, i am types 1, 4, and 7 (same score on all three types.) second test, i am type 7 (highest score) and type 4 (next-highest score). let's have a looky... (results arranged by rating. entries in boldface are those which i strongly agree with, entries in italics are the ones that make me go "que?")

The Adventurer / Generalist (the Seven)

Adventurers are energetic, lively, and optimistic. They want to contribute to the world.

How to Get Along with Me
* Give me companionship, affection, and freedom.
* Engage with me in stimulating conversation and laughter.
* Appreciate my grand visions and listen to my stories.
* Don't try to change my style. Accept me the way I am.
* Be responsible for youself. I dislike clingy or needy people.
* Don't tell me what to do. !!! (exclamation points my own.)

What I Like About Being a Seven
* being optimistic and not letting life's troubles get me down
* being spontaneous and free-spirited
* being outspoken and outrageous. It's part of the fun.
* being generous and trying to make the world a better place
* having the guts to take risks and to try exciting adventures
* having such varied interests and abilities

What's Hard About Being a Seven
* not having enough time to do all the things I want
* not completing things I start
* not being able to profit from the benefits that come from specializing; not making a commitment to a career
* having a tendency to be ungrounded; getting lost in plans or fantasies
* feeling confined when I'm in a one-to-one relationship

Sevens as Children Often
* are action oriented and adventuresome
* drum up excitement
* prefer being with other children to being alone
* finesse their way around adults
* dream of the freedom they'll have when they grow up

The Romantic / Artist (the Four)

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me
* Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
* Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
* Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
* Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
* Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a Four
* my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
* my ability to establish warm connections with people
* admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
* my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
* being unique and being seen as unique by others
* having aesthetic sensibilities
* being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a Four
* experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
* feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
* feeling guilty when I disappoint people
* feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
* expecting too much from myself and life
* fearing being abandoned
* obsessing over resentments
* longing for what I don't have

Fours as Children Often
* have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
* are very sensitive
* feel that they don't fit in
* believe they are missing something that other people have
* attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
* become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
* feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

The Perfectionist / Reformer (the One)

Perfectionists are realistic, conscientious, and principled. They strive to live up to their high ideals.

How to Get Along with Me
* Take your share of the responsibility so I don't end up with all the work.
* Acknowledge my achievements.
* I'm hard on myself. Reassure me that I'm fine the way I am.
* Tell me that you value my advice.
* Be fair and considerate, as I am.
* Apologize if you have been unthoughtful. It will help me to forgive.
* Gently encourage me to lighten up and to laugh at myself when I get uptight, but hear my worries first.

What I Like About Being a One
* being self-disciplined and able to accomplish a great deal
* working hard to make the world a better place
* having high standards and ethics; not compromising myself
* being reasonable, responsible, and dedicated in everything I do
* being able to put facts together, coming to good understandings, and figuring out wise solutions
* being the best I can be and bringing out the best in other people

What's Hard About Being a One
* being disappointed with myself or others when my expectations are not met
* feeling burdened by too much responsibility
* thinking that what I do is never good enough
* not being appreciated for what I do for people
* being upset because others aren't trying as hard as I am
* obsessing about what I did or what I should do
* being tense, anxious, and taking things too seriously

Ones as Children Often
* criticize themselves in anticipation of criticism from others
* refrain from doing things that they think might not come out perfect
* focus on living up to the expectations of their parents and teachers
* are very responsible; may assume the role of parent
* hold back negative emotions ("good children aren't angry")

liberty!!!

2005-08-02T03:07:00.000+01:00

i am finally out of the clutches of the vile creature that is - WAS - my boss. not that i ever acknowledged him as such. just one month into that firm and i was professing to a friend / chatmate that "he's not my boss. he just signs my paycheck." talk about an attitude problem. but it has served me well. if i take anything the so-called boss said seriously, i'd probably have a coronary or some other stress-induced health problem by now.

so what does one do for six weeks before flying off to foggy london? i am now, as my dear friend captain obvious puts it, the only up-educated magna cum laude graduate full-time domestic helper. applause, applause. thank you, thank you.

on my less content days, i would have been griping and bitching about having to be everyone else's back-up maid, cook, and driver. (some days computer technician, and even electrician.) but these days, i'm quite ok with the idea of helping out. in fact, i enjoyed preparing everyone else's food for the past three meals. (don't tell my mom, though. she might get ideas.) maybe it's the fact that i'm leaving in six weeks. or that i have to cook and clean for myself once i'm in the british isles, anyway. or maybe i'm just plain happier now that i don't have to work for an uncivilised (british spelling!!! hahaha) slave driver of a supposed boss. (of course, he had cement his reputation of being sub-human in the last few hours of my employment. but that's another story.) or it could be that i just realized how blessed i am compared to 80% of the local population.

it feels good to be alive.

last day

2005-07-31T03:03:00.000+01:00

it's the last day of july. and officially, my last day of work. except that today is a sunday, so my last working day was on friday.

just so you know, "last day" means "last twenty-four hours". that's right. yours truly was stuck at the office from 9am friday until 10am saturday. with only 30mins of sleep in between. whoopeee!

i don't exactly know what possessed me to stay the night. it wasn't really my project. i wasn't directly responsible for anything. i was just helping out. i could have left any time, but i didn't. call me weird, but i stayed until my sketching class at 10am. and i even planned to meet a client at 2pm. yeah, i'm crazy.

it was just a given, that i had to stay until everything was done. besides, the work was a nice change from my usual boring autocad encoding. it gave me some degree of artistic freedom, creative input... it was photoshop!!! how can you say NO to that???

there was also the fact that i could work with others as a team again. practically the whole time i was at that firm, i worked alone. just me, myself, & i. nobody to help with the workload, nobody to commiserate when the boss was being a pain in the arse.

plus, the project itself was pretty exciting. it was a competition entry for a cultural center. being that, it was less about technical stuff and more about pure design. it was a refreshing change from the usual "that's not structurally workable" mindframe.

then there's the thrill of working on a deadline. i just love buzzer-beaters. the adrenaline rush is something else. and the satisfaction of being able to come up with decent work multiplies when it was done under photo-finish conditions.

i guess all these things put together just made me decide to burn the midnight oil on my last day of work. and it sure doesn't hurt to put a competition entry on my resume and portfolio.

it was the first and last time i worked overnight in that firm, and for that excuse of a boss. and lord knows i wouldn't want to repeat it.

then again, i just might surprise myself.

think positive

2005-07-26T16:11:00.000+01:00

ooh! it's 11:11pm!!! make a wish!!!

my brother told me that. 11:11 is the only time all the numbers in a digital clock are the same. (except if you go by military time.) and that moment is "special" and you can make a wish.

and i wish for... world peace. *bow*

but if i were being selfish, i'd wish... i really don't know what to wish for. i'd probably wish i weren't so bloody pessimistic. (sorry, just finished watching love, actually, and the bloody english has gotten to me.) i'd wish i wouldn't take a lot of things too seriously. and i'd wish i know how to just let go.

i'd wish i'd know if (or when!) i'm going to get married, and to whom. and if i should wait around or just forget about the whole marriage idea. (notice how my blog now revolves around certain themes???) i'd wish somebody would tell me if i'm the problem, or the whole bloody male population is the problem. (DON'T ANSWER THAT!!!)

i'd wish i wouldn't be so pathetically needy that some days i just want someone to hug. and someone to hug me back. that any given day, i can be that woman who screams "bloody hell to all men" and mean it. that i can say, "i don't need a man to validate my existence," and not follow it up with stupid qualifiers.

but really, i'd wish for world peace.

and if it's not too much to ask, maybe some inner peace, too.

on holiday!!!

2005-07-25T07:19:00.000+01:00

nothing like a special non-working holiday to cut down your remaining work days to four. yes. FOUR. i will be free from the shackles of the meddlesome client and temperamental boss in four calendar (and working!) days. days like these, i can sincerely say that life is sweet.

i should be working on my personal project now, actually. need to get a jump start so i won't get overwhelmed with work next month. but i'm enjoying my free day, and my body is too sore to exert so much effort today. (overdid the workout at the gym, which is to say, i haven't been working out regularly but still decided not to downgrade my program.) besides, i have pent-up aggressions to let out today.

right. so about those negative feelings. i found out SOMEBODY is really a let-down. unconfirmed reports have led me to think that he has something going on with some other dame. this, after he just asked me out last week. it does not matter that i turned him down. (even before i found out about the so-called other, mind you.) it does not matter that, logically, he is not good enough for me. it does not matter that i am not supposed to be interested. my ego was bruised. oh yes. i was being played by a player. i hate him, but more than that, i hate myself. for being such a ditz.

this is definitely going to set me back a few years in the "learning to trust men" department. and i thought he was good stuff. i should have known better. captain obvious said it could be that he got tired of waiting - with me not giving enough positive signals and all. in my defense, i think i gave enough signals to encourage him to WORK HARDER. because, dammit, he really wasn't showing enough effort. any guy who doesn't seem to be that interested isn't really worth my time. because if he really wanted to get with me, he'd be more involved in my life. he'd call more often. he'd ask me out more regularly. he'd make sure that i'd be thinking of him 24/7 (or almost as frequent) by letting his presence be felt. and yes, i think he pretty much knew i was into him the first few months. because i, being the bimbo, often slip up and incriminate myself through either 1. my blog, or 2. sms. so there, it's not my fault.

moving on to other depressing thoughts... my cousin got married yesterday. and until last night, she was the oldest woman on our side of the family to be unmarried. and then i realized... i am now the SECOND OLDEST WOMAN on our side that is unmarried. HOLY SMOKES. i'm getting old. and not getting any closer to the wedding altar. oh, the pressure, the pressure. but as long as my brother is still single, i'm pretty safe. until i hit the big 3-0. which is *gasp* less than four years away. oh good grief. i still can't trust men, and now i'm working on a deadline. unofficial though it may be, it's still a deadline. what the heck. they say smart people are more likely to get married later in life than the not-so-smart people. i guess we know WHICH category i fall under. hahaha.

on the up side, i was able to bog-hop across my favorite spots. and i was much entertained, thank you people! it feels good to know i am not the only weirdo on this side of the planet.

okay, back to (unofficial) business.

life's a blog

2005-07-23T11:15:00.000+01:00

despite my current mood, i still find it in myself to blog. you know you're hooked when...

so many things to blog about, not enough time to blog. in short, i'm getting a life. hahaha.

whenever something significant happens in my life, i start thinking about how to blog it. and i find that uber weird. (and in some ways, sad.) because it means my life revolves around my blog and my readers. oh, good grief.

like that time my best friend from college emailed and said she just got engaged. her boyfriend of seven years (from back in our college days. good golly gee, i feel ANCIENT now.) proposed to her the night before. and how, when i read that mail, i thought, gee, now that's something to blog about. best friend from high school got married, now best friend from college got engaged. hm. looks like i'm finishing last in the marriage race. (not that it's really a contest, but inquisitive aunts keep throwing the "when are you getting married?" line in my general direction.)

or that time i found a potential roommate for my stint in london. well, she found me, after i placed an ad online. and that my parents are nothing short of thrilled because said roomie is - 1. female (duh); 2. born in taiwan, raised in hongkong, studied in california (uc-berkeley, to be exact); 3. going to the same school; 4. as old as their soon-to-be-living-overseas daughter. and how my sister was the perennial wet blanket and asked "do you know anything about her?" (answer to which is, duh, obviously NO.) "or do you know anyone who can do a background check?" (like she's going to turn out to be an axe-weilding mass murderer.) but, as with everything, things are still up in the air. still have kinks to iron out.

or perhaps that day when i found out the british embassy won't process my visa papers until the 12th of september. the day i FLY OUT. (do you see the problem here???) and that my interview is on the 26th, the day CLASSES START. (another problem, no?) and how i was just about ready to rip somebody's head off and was wishing curses down on bureaucrats and ethnocentric caucasians who believe all other races are inferior, and therefore, a liability on their "pristine" but boring shores. also how, appropriately, a friend sent me this message earlier in the morning: may the fleas of a million dogs infest the butt of the person who spoils your day, and may his arms grow too short to scratch his butt. oh, how i wish.

of course, these things keep me too busy to blog about them. then there's also work. and extra work. and now, there's housework. because the maids left today. which calls for a completely different post altogether.

hoo boy.

crapcrapcrap

2005-07-18T05:31:00.000+01:00

okay, i know i shouldn't be cursing, but CRAP.

it's one of those days when i'm overly negative and wrung-out. and the little things bother me ten times more than they should. yeah, it's the hormones. crap crap crap.

i thought i had rid myself of an irritating client and an overly boring (not to mention ridiculously tedious) project. lo and behold, it comes knocking on my door yet again. with barely ten working days to go. isn't that just GREAT???

so i'm just going to do what i'm supposed to do. sure, i can do that... if the software will work properly!!! how the heck am i supposed to do photo-editing work without keyboard commands??? i can't even ADD a selection to the set becuase it refuses to recognize any keyboard inputs!!! *&^%$#@!

yes, i may be getting worked up over nothing. like i said, the hormones. logically, i shouldn't be bothered. but i am. for the life of me, i just can't seem to let it go. and even though i told myself to get a grip, and i am trying REALLY hard, i am still upset for no apparent reason. it doesn't have to be work or the PC or irritating new employees in the office. i am just ANGSTY today. like i want to sock something. or someone. or just have a really good cry for 45 minutes.

of course, i can't do any of that, now, can i???

crap.

CRAP.

and did i already say CRAP!?!?

this is why i should NEVER take hormone pills. EVER.

crap.

i need my happy pills.

he says...

2005-07-16T12:31:00.000+01:00

the subject of a previous post took it upon himself to tell his side of the story. and, being the wordy nut that he is, i edited his "insights" into a smaller, more digestible post. so here's the dirt...

RECONNAISANCE, AND PRECONCEPTIONS.

consented to blind date again. being slightly inebriated and totally off guard that evening helped. these blind dates are going to be the end of me as i know me. that would be a pity.

gotta do my own research. my female cabinet members (a.k.a. sources) drew blanks on this girl. i wondered if she was a real person, and if this was a genuine setup. the only thing i'd been told was that she was chinese and in the vicinity of my age -- the two absolute minimums i required before consenting. i usually always require more objective information to go along for 3rd party check. i had no intention of repeating previous fiascos.

*editing occured here.*

without prompting, the matchmaker emailed me pictures of her. the pictures definitely screwed up my preferred mode of operation by pinning a face on someone i hadn’t gotten to know yet.

1) she surfs? hmm. relatively unusual. didn’t think surfing existed as a pastime here. i play airsoft wargames. 2 weird people on a date. cool.

2) she's 5' 7". that’s tall. no heels please, i’m merely 1.5 inches taller. heels would hurt if she decided to walk over me (not that i’m into that). plus, i like to think i'm enough of a heel already. har har.

i was told he'd sent her pics of me.

"which ones?" i asked. i've always made it a point to never have a decent presentable picture with the barkada for precisely this reason.
"oh..you know...the pics last week," he replied with a stupid smirk.
"@#$%^&*!!!"
"and i told her they weren't your worst shots yet..."
"hindi ka naman galit sa kanya, ha?"
"at paano mo alam hindi ako galit ako sa iyo?"
"galit ka sa aming dalawa! bullet day, i will giant you!"

armed with an email and pics to match, i proceeded with a quick friendster check. i knew this stupid friendster thing -- this INFERNAL JOLOGS DEVICE (of which i am a user anyway... tsk tsk) -- would come in handy sometime. i checked on the certified womanizers i knew and there she was.

1) she's from *insert name of private girl's school here*. (sorry guys, don't like putting too much info on my blog.) awwww, crap! precisely what i needed to avoid! extremely high maintenance creatures that have extra special rules for courtship and dating that apply only to their breed. *segment edited out because it has little bearing on blog owner. interested parties, leave me a message.*

2) she's from the state university. ah, now we're talking. should be mostly down-to-earth (as opposed to other colleges... like mine) and relatively street-smart. perhaps the university influence will help neutralize the fairytale influence of high school.

3) she finished architecture. precisely what i wanted to take up, except fate had other plans. she must be smart and studious then.

4) friendster profile. quite open and relatively honest, as far as friendster profiles go (if you can take anything on friendster at face value). has no qualms about posting pics of herself. outgoing? person with 400+ contacts? *edit edit* can probably kick my teeth in if i ain't careful.
note to self: BEHAVE!

5) so she likes to read and cook. good things in a girl, definitely.

6) she’s active religiously. church groupie or something. i hope she ain’t one of those bible-thumping zealot wackos. because if she is, this is doomed. she’s either gonna run away screaming or i’m gonna burst into flames. or both. wouldn’t that be a sight.

D-DAY

*blah blah blah. unimportant details, although admittedly a fun read.*

AFTERMATH

1) victim arrived at the appointed place 5 minutes after the appointed hour of execution. fashionably late. acceptable. waiting is a man's most miserable lot in life after all.

2) she's wearing jeans. CRIKEY! i'm overdressed. she bamboozled me into wearing something more formal than shirt and jeans. clever git. this is probably a good thing, since my friday-and-weekend attire consists of ripped jeans and faded t-shirt.
2a) she’s clean. duh.
2b) simple taste. no makeup, no senyorita long nails, no manicure, no excessive jewelry, no fancy shit. definite plus.
2c) pretty in her own way. not necessarily my type. but what do i know? last girls i liked and/or went after weren’t my type at first.
2d) looks much younger in person. whew.
2e) possesses mischievous catty smile. all she needed were whiskers. hmm.

3) she is talkative. can carry a conversation by herself. oh good. that means i just let her talk and let her play her cards and respond accordingly. play the ambush game. sounds like a plan.

4) sounds like a person who can take care of herself. good. don’t want someone i have to babysit. damsels-in-distress are so last millennium and forgettably so.
4a) she commutes. definitely no princess here. whew.

5) seems like a nutty girl. not bad.
5a) she has an axe to grind. i know an axe when i see one. and apparently, so does she. not good. potential personality clash here. i wonder how big that axe of hers is. (note to self: tread carefully while probing her tolerance)

*scrub. post-date info, irrelevant. again, buzz me if you really want to know.*

6) accidentally finished our pineapple dessert by myself. HOLY SCHMACKAREL! I’M NEVER GONNA HEAR THE END OF THIS!!! i owe her a pineapple fruit dessert.
6a) had to finish our mango fruit dessert too. hmm. subject is weight conscious. figure conscious. understandable. maybe too much so? but is that a bad thing?

7) 45 minutes of entanglement. ideal timespan. nice and quick. long enough to take each other’s measure, short enough to leave possible sequel. must not drag too long lest subject entertain thoughts of homicide. *writer was being overly dramatic. edit!* i gotta call it, for my sake, if not hers. subject seems willing to follow alpha dog temperament. good. nobody likes a dominatrix.

8) subject offered to pay for her share of the bill. a mere gesture, i’m sure, but appreciated nonetheless. I like to think i’m only half uncivilized of a barbarian. genghis khan and the mongol hordes weren’t all thugs after all.

9) probably the kind of girl who knows to tell a guy, “NO”. won’t just ignore a guy and hope he goes away. won’t speak in hints. that’s good. it’s the frikking new millennium and women oughtta be more assertive. nobody likes the guessing game.
9a) maybe the kind of girl who will play with a guy too. hmm. be vewwy vewwy caweful.
9b) she made it clear this was just one of many blind dates and no commitment at all. nice and clear. betrays some insecurities perhaps?

10) has enough personality and character. not the kind of girl to fade away if this does not work out romantically. plus one thousand pretty points for that. wraiths are no good after all. an interesting -– if colorful -- friendship could develop.

i now resume my regularly scheduled programming.

by garrkulet

now, that wasn't so bad, wasn't it? *cheshire cat grin*

believe it or not

2005-07-14T04:15:00.000+01:00

i want to go watch a filipino film.

stop the press!!! intellectual snob is actually contemplating patronage of local movies.

as they say in filipino english - in fairness, it's an experimental/art film of sorts. it doesn't take a genius to figure out which film i'm planning to watch. the question is, who's going to watch with me???

for those who have been living in a cave, peque gallaga's pinoy blonde just opened last night. initial assessment - i think it's a must-see for serious film buffs. so, calling all movie freaks out there!!! let me know if/when you're going to watch one of the few character actors in local show business.

in other movie news...

watched fantastic four last night. obviously, not my movie of choice. i was overruled by three siblings with bad taste in movies. (don't tell them i said that.) the script was bad, the casting (and acting, for the most part) was bad, the plot was predictable (it IS, after all, based on the comic book series.) and the effects were... effects. standard issue. nothing spectacular. i'm so glad i didn't pay for it. hahaha. for something that is supposed to be a geek movie (they're all scientists, for crying out loud!!!) i was most definitely not entertained. even by the scientific parts of it. in fact, i was more bored by the so-called "science" than by, say, the love angle. (which is actually pretty bad in itself.) it's not the kind of science that gets you. unlike csi, which just makes you sit back and go, "whoa!!!" (just a note, though, some of the concepts in csi are not scientifically true. take things with a grain of salt, please.)

there seems to be a lack of good movies these days. which is funny, 'cause it's summertime in hollywood. it's when the big budget flicks come out. oh well. just a lot of uninspired people these days, i guess.

on being a bridesmaid

2005-07-07T11:23:00.000+01:00

the week leading to and the week after the wedding were so hectic, i wasn't able to write about the experience. seven days ago my friend was still single. now she's married. it still hasn't sunk in completely.

here's what the past two weeks were like (with regards to the wedding).

day (-5) coordinated with my co-host over phone. (i was also drafted for reception MC, believe it or not.) got general outline for reception program.

day (-4) woke up at 5:30am to go to the gym. hey, i had to look good in that dress!!!

day (-3) dinner meeting with co-host. finished game mechanics and 40% of script. got home 10pm. went to bed 11pm.

day (-2) spoke with wedding planner, cleaned up program structure. went to bed 11pm.

day (-1) got game props ready, met with co-host to work more on script. went to hotel to meet up with rest of bridal entourage. worked on script some more. took pictures. worked on script again. had dinner. went to a karaoke place. (apparently, the groom is a big fan of karaoke. personally, i would have preferred ice cream and jazz at the hotel lobby. but i'm not the one getting married.) finished at 1am. went back to hotel to work on script - 65% done. slept 3am.

day 0 woke up 6am. worked on script again. breakfast (i love room service, can i just say???) and shower. finished script while rest of entourage was getting made up. got made up by 10am. took 30min nap. enter, wedding coordinator. changed into gown. enter photographer. mayhem in girls' hotel room. went to boys' room to chill. (stress levels not as high over there - nobody really cares about the groom, haha.) had take-out lunch with boys after a few photo ops. ran back to girls' room at command of photographer. hair got messed up on the way - urgh. got to "bridal suite" only to wait another 15mins for the photos. (i hate having to rush for nothing.) picture, picture, off to church. wedding ceremony, yadda yadda yadda... lit candle, and the rest of the time, just stayed in my seat. exited early to prepare confetti canons. only mine didn't go off. crud. walked around in reconstruction of amazon rainforest in mid-to-late afternoon heat. sticky sticky sticky. ick ick ick. photo sessions with newlyweds in gardens, pose, smile, walk walk walk. changed into slippers. reception hosting. scrapped 50% of script due to last-minute program reorganization. a first-time host's nightmare!!! (i am now thankful that my obsessive-compulsive partner made it a point to script everything, because i didn't have such a hard time ad-libbing with the change in program.) grabbed a few bites in between - just enough to keep me from fainting. miffed that i was not able to have dessert crepe!!! (food is still my greatest passion, thank you.) singles game, reception over. dead tired. but hung around 'til most of the crowd disappeared. then decided to join the boys (the groom's friends) for post-wedding ice cream. (hey, it was still early! and the ice cream parlor was just three blocks away from home. haha.) got home 11pm. showered, removed gunk from face and hair. slept past midnight.

day 1 went to work with only half my brain functioning. needless to say, did not get much done. haha. just started to realize that one of my closest friends is now married. whoa.

day 2 partial recovery from post-wedding trauma. happy afterglow started to settle in. my friend is married!!! was so happy.

day 3 realized that the couple would be leaving for their honeymoon the next day. again, happy moment. but a tinge of sadness crept in... they're going to be far away!!! and i don't know when i'll see them again... beginning to miss friend.

day 4 started getting all mushy and sentimental. wondered if (or when?) i'll get married. if i'll ever find the right guy and live happily ever after. *sigh*

that was the whole experience, in a nutshell. insert a few compliments on handling the program well. (thank you, thank you. now if that had gotten me a great date, it would have been worth the trouble - just kidding.) best man said i was a natural, and should consider it as an alternate career. i obliged by saying only if he'll be my agent. harhar. then there was this one guy who i don't know who complimented me twice after the reception. (yeah, i'm being typical girl and racking my brains out over two-line conversations - repeated two-line conversations, at that.)

from excited to stressed to ecstatic to sentimental - the entire production ran the whole gamut of emotions. it was just something i wouldn't have missed for the world. even if i were in london, i'd fly all the way back here just to be with my friend the weekend she got married. because, really, nothing can take the place of sharing in a good friend's joy.

now about that guy...

Rome's disappearing shops & cafes

2005-06-30T14:52:00.000+01:00

By Jeremy Bowen
BBC News, Rome

People in Britain often lament the changes in the nation's towns and cities, as more and more national and international chain stores, banks and coffee outlets force out local businesses and city centres all seem to look the same. But this is not just a British phenomenon. Jeremy Bowen says that Rome is also yielding to the relentless march of globalisation.

Romans still take their morning coffee and pastry at their local bars
It may be hard for many people who live in the teeming cities of our globalised world to understand, but my commute to work is one of the great pleasures of my day.

To get to the office, I walk for about half an hour through what must be the most beautiful city anywhere.

The centre of Rome is not remotely busy before 10 o'clock in the morning. The day feels fresh and new.

Even the Pantheon, the great domed building that started as a Roman temple 2,000 years ago and was preserved intact because it became one of the earliest Christian churches, is serene and cool when I walk past it.

The tourists must still be sleeping.

My most senior colleagues here say that the 1950s were better, before mass tourism, before there were many cars, when eating in a restaurant was cheaper than cooking at home.

But I suspect that, when I am old enough to be able to say it was better in my day, I might reminisce about Rome at the start of the 21st century.

Life may be less charming than it was in the 1950s but I suspect it is much more attractive than it will be 50 years from now.

Adverts on TV show happy Italian families eating something that mamma bought in the supermarket and warmed up in the microwave

The world is shrinking and it is squeezing everywhere and everybody.

Almost 25 years ago, I spent a year in Italy as a student. It was fascinating and fun, but no paradise.

It was still recovering from the turbulence of the 1970s, when there had been bombs, kidnapping and ideological conflict between the right and the left.

And it was very Italian.

Everyone had Italian cars - Fiats for the masses, Alfas for the sporty, Lancias for the rich.

On every corner of the city where I lived small shops sold salami, ham, cheese and wonderful fruit and vegetables.

Romans have a strong sense of their own identity and a huge pride in their city.

In bakeries, as well as bread there were strange flat sheets of dough, dusted with flour or knotted into little parcels. In Britain I had never seen fresh pasta.

Twenty-five years ago, not many foreigners lived in Italy and not many people spoke foreign languages nor appeared to have any desire so to do.

But now, in the globalised world, some middle-class Romans send their children to international schools so that they will grow up speaking English fluently.

The Italian father of one of my daughter's classmates speaks to his Italian children only in English.

In restaurants the waiters are usually Italian but, if you look into the kitchens, the people that are turning out local favourites like buccatini all'amatriciana or spaghetti carbonara are very often Asians.

And the way of life that seemed routine and ordinary 25 years ago is disappearing.

The businesses that paid for it - that produced things that people wanted to buy because they were well designed and well priced - are struggling to compete against cheap competition from China.

The wives and mothers, who would have spent the morning shopping and cooking, often go to work now.

Many of the small food shops they do not have time to visit any more have closed. Adverts on TV show happy Italian families eating something that mamma bought in the supermarket and warmed up in the microwave.

Sometimes on my way back from work, I stop at a poultry butcher who sells excellent free range chicken and eggs.

His brother sells the red meat at a shop just across the road. I have never seen any other customers in the shop when I have been buying my chicken.

Long before closing time, which is about 7.30 in the evening, the shop is immaculately clean and he is pacing up and down in the street outside, packed up and ready to go home.

All the shops like that seem to be run by men and women in their 60s, and most of them will turn into boutiques or jewellers' shops when their owners retire.

I do not want to overstate the sense of change.

Walking through Rome every day is a delight which I will never forget. There are still workshops in beautiful medieval streets fixing scooters or espresso machines, or making boxes or strange balls of wire.

The greengrocers - and there are still plenty of them - sell local fruit and vegetables that are in season, not tasteless cotton wool balls that have been flown in from the other side of the world.

Tourists can buy Big Macs to eat on the Spanish Steps but hundreds of thousands of Romans still take their morning coffee and cornetto - a kind of sweet croissant - standing at their local bars.

They have a strong sense of their own identity and a huge pride in their city.

But the commercial forces that are taking away too many of the differences that make the world interesting are at work here too. And it is a process that goes in only one direction.

food for thought

2005-06-28T10:25:00.000+01:00

why prostitutes make more money than architects
excerpt from "freakonomics" by steven levitt & stephen dubner

"...when there are a lot of people willing and able to do a job, that job generally doesn't pay well. this is one of four meaningful factors that determine a wage. the others are the specialized skills a job requires, the unpleasantness of a job, and the demand for services that the job fulfills.

"the delicate balance between these factors helps explain why, for instance, the typical prostitute earns more than the typical architect. it may not seem as though she should. the architect would appear to be more skilled (as the word is usually defined) and better educated (again, as usually defined). but little girls don't grow up dreaming of becoming prostitutes, so the supply of potential prostitutes is relatively small. their skills, while not necessarily "specialized," are practiced in a very specialized context. the job is unpleasant and forbidding in at least two significant ways: the likelihood of violence and the lost opportunity of having a stable family life. as for demand? let's just say that an architect is more likely to hire a prostitute than vice versa."

temporary insomniac

2005-06-24T19:04:00.000+01:00

had coffee at 10pm. now i couldn't go to sleep. darn it. was supposed to do some reading, but i couldn't focus. i've updated my planner, trimmed my nails, sorted some notebooks, and now that i have run out of distractions, i turn to my blog. how predictable. but how effective!!! i'm now sleepy. hahaha.

just to recap, i went to the spa with 2 of my high school classmates tonight. the bride (her wedding is next week!) and the bridesmaid i replaced. (she's preggy, and tradition / superstition forbids her to walk down the aisle, etc etc.) ANYway... i got a 30-minute back massage. and for the life of me, my upper back hurts like crazy. i can tell the masseuse had a difficult time with me... i can actually feel all the knots and stiff muscles on my upper back and neck. of course, she'd target the extra tense areas. which are actually the extra painful areas. it actually feels like i had a workout - i am experiencing the kind of muscle pain that results from stretching and tearing your muscles from weight training. the kind that actually feels painfully better when you stretch. but it also feels like my back is bruised. 'cause when i try to massage some of the strain away - OUCH!!! i wonder if it has anything to do with the quick hot shower i took a few minutes after my therapy. (i know, you're not supposed to shower, but i just HATE being all greasy & sticky after a massage! plus, i break out easily.)

the massage was something i was actually looking forward to, since i was uber stressed (and worn-out) these past two weeks. hormonal balance included. unfortunately, i seem to be stressed beyond redemption. because at the end of the massage session, there were still stiff muscles and knots on my upper back. no amount of kneading and rubbing and stretching was able to take away the stiffness. i probably need relaxation therapy more often.

one week until the wedding and i still do not have a solid program. some host i'll turn out to be!!! hopefully, the girls will be able to help me out when we have dinner tomorrow eve.

i do hope my back pain disappears by tomorrow. (well, technically, later today. oh, whatever.)

dear r

2005-06-21T09:46:00.000+01:00

damn, this is hard.

i've played this over and over in my head a million times. i knew what to say, i figured out how to say it. but i never got to the part about how to start.

i've known you almost two years. and you've come in and out of my life so many times, i've lost count. whenever the memory of you starts to fade into oblivion, you show up. a call, a message, an email. it doesn't matter how. you just find some way to let me know that you're alive.

from day 1 i knew you were special. i knew you'd always be a part of my life, or at least, i wanted you to be. maybe i already fell in love with you then. i don't know.

what i find totally amazing is how we got along so well, despite the fact that we hardly knew each other. and that we come from very different backgrounds. and that we were born almost a decade apart. then again, stranger things have happened.

i can't quite describe how i feel about you. it's a strange kind of comfortable affinity that is satisfied with just being. maybe i love you. but i've been in love a few times before, and this is totally different. this love - if you can call it that - is the kind that makes no demands. the kind that makes me wonder where you are at night, and how you're feeling. but hardly hopes that you think of me, too. the kind that simply wants you to be happy - with or without me - but makes me crushed when i know you're not. the kind that realizes any girl would be lucky to have you, but knows and accepts that i'm not the one you want, much less need.

i guess you can say it's the kind of love that knows how to let go. a sad kind of love that accepts losing as part of loving.

maybe i'm not in love with you. maybe i'm crazy.

i guess i'd have to be, to fall for you. crazy, i mean.

on getting drunk

2005-06-19T13:51:00.000+01:00

i have never gotten drunk in my entire twenty-six years of existence. the farthest i'd get is a splitting headache and a red face. no alcohol-induced giggling fits or unintelligible monologues. getting drunk doesn't really appeal to me. (aside from the fact that it's unbiblical.)

so, if you saw me last night, nursing a scotch glass containing a mudslide, (that's baileys + kahlua + vodka to you!) you'd think something is really wrong. and in a way, it was.

for some absurd reason i was depressed as hell in the past two days. i blame the hormones. but i could really just be manic-depressive, and the hormones simply aggravated my saturnine disposition. whatever. the bottom line is, i got so depressed, i wanted to get drunk. that is a shocking first for me. and if that weren't enough, the desire for a hard drink came in the middle of a sunny day. yeah, just pull out all the stops, why don't you.

unfortunately, i had to wait until the evening to get my liquor. but i got it within ten minutes of sitting down at the restaurant. (my best bud was treating us on his birthday. almost wasn't able to go, which is part of the reason of depressive fit.) when the drink came, i sipped half of it. then got a splitting headache. can you spell L-O-S-E-R???

i waited until the headache subsided before downing the rest of my drink. no unfavorable reactions after that. but no emotional high either.

so, on the day i first felt the urge to get drunk, i had to wait eight hours to get a drink. and when i got my drink, i didn't get drunk.

whatalife.

idiot!!!

2005-06-16T03:18:00.000+01:00

so i had to miss watching batman begins last night. i can live with that. so i might not be able to get my money back. i can live with that, too. but what i cannot live with, is that some IDIOT officemate didn't have enough foresight to sell the two extra tickets they had as ADJACENT SEATS. he sold them SEPARATELY.

it wasn't my fault i came down with the stomach flu yesterday. it wasn't my fault i still wasn't feeling well enough to drive fifteen kilometers for an hour to get to the theater. SO WHY THE HECK DO I HAVE TO PAY FOR IT?!?!?! i thought it would be hard for them to sell just one ticket, so i was willing to let it go, actually. but when i found out someone else begged off, i thought, well, at least it will be easier to sell the tickets. i mean, what kind of loser watches movies alone???

ha. apparently, my officemate does. because he thought it would be better to sell two NON-ADJACENT seats than two adjacent ones. and did i mention that we got two whole rows of seats, anyway??? so nobody would end up being alone on a row, because even if you sold two seats, you'd still have three seats in that row. so what's with the "it's better to have everyone together" bit??? i mean, you are inside a DARK theater, watching one of the most suspense-laden, action-packed films of the month. your eyes will be practically glued to the screen, YOU WOULDN'T EVEN NOTICE WHO'S SITTING BESIDE YOU!!! there's duh, there's Duh, and then there's DUH. my colleague most definitely fits in the last category.

i'm getting so upset my stomach is acting up again. sigh. I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!!

expired!!!

2005-06-13T11:14:00.000+01:00

sideblog's domain hosting subscription expired! no wonder my sideblog hasn't been showing up the past few days... i guess not many people bother to pay for the premium service. oh well.

on to happier news. today is a free day for me. one of those days when i can pretty much do whatever it is i really want. yay. watched the shawshank redemption on dvd in the morning. played badminton in the afternoon. now about to have a post-birthday celebration with some friends in a restaurant nearby.

i wish i didn't have to go to work tomorrow. *sigh*

signs of aging

2005-06-10T06:46:00.000+01:00

as my birthday draws inevitably near (yes, i have a birthday. i am not a spawn from the depths of hell.) i realize a lot of things are different about me. physically, i am not as healthy (or virus-immune) as i used to be. my digestive system is becoming more sensitive to the things i eat. i get tired easily, and when i don't get regular exercise, my body can tell. finally, when that time of the month rolls around, i become moody and irritable - and i notice it.

but it goes beyond that. i realize that a lot of my values and opinions have changed - evolved? - just this past year. some days i catch myself thinking like *gasp* my mother. it usually comes out when dealing with the househelp and with my younger sisters. not that i've become a nag. (good grief, i hope not.) but i've become less lenient on some things my mom is particular about. like the maids taking liberties with our appliances at home. previously, i wouldn't mind if the househelp would watch TV in our room. or use the PC. i didn't mind what they do in their free time, as long as they get the job done, and they don't steal anything. not anymore. i have become more concerned about how they hang out with the construction workers next door. how they use our things without permission. (it might have something to do with a certain maid driving my so-called car and backing it into the gate.) i guess, in some ways, i have become more... traditional. conservative. mommy-ish. to the point of getting on my sister's case about work and other things she's supposed to do.

it must be the age.

one-dimensional

2005-06-04T09:28:00.000+01:00

warning - author is undergoing identity crisis.

the past few weeks i've been meeting all sorts of interesting people. people who cannot normally be found in my social circle. (or circles, since i move in different groups.) and i have come to one conclusion. i have no depth.

when i see myself vis-a-vis these people, i come out as BLAH.

okay, arguably, i'm not as boring as some (maybe most?) people i know. but these days, i seem to be running into individuals who are farther (as in way up there) in the unique personality scale. i feel so frumpy around them. like i have nothing to offer in their interesting conversations, no insightful comments or funny remarks that shows how brilliant or witty or cultured i am.

a one-dimensional personality, that's what i have. even compared to my younger sister, i'm pretty duh. and it depresses me. is this all i have to offer the world??? my blah-ness???

my sister said it's partly 'cause of our environment; we're surrounded by small-minded people. (and i thought i was an intellectual snob.) lack of intellectual stimuli = dull brains and bland personalities. i have to agree. not many open-minded, forward-thinking people in philippine society. which is another reason for me to leave. hahaha.

i don't want to be blah for the rest of my life. there are so many things i want to do and places i want to see and people i want to meet. unfortunately, present conditions (i.e. parental restrictions and an extended-hour day job) do not allow for such personality-developing activities. i guess it's also part of the culture; the chinese are traditionally isolationists, preferring to limit interaction with their own kind. which again, puts us in a very small box and makes for very one-dimensional people. not to mention irrationally arrogant. (i can go into detail with my family, but i think i'll pass.) and work - don't even get me started. it takes up too much of my time that it pushes out the more important things in life. what a sad, sad existence. sigh.

i really feel like the dullest person on earth. and it doesn't feel very nice.

intimidated

2005-05-31T13:14:00.000+01:00

just received my course curriculum through email. i am paralyzed. i cannot believe i agreed to do this. i don't know how the heck i am supposed to cope. god, help me!!!

final dissertation in three months... topic and outline (with matching defense) after first six months. holy cow. cow cow cow cow cow.

goodness gracious. the m.arch program schedule is not as tight, but the output is more design-based. (much like thesis in undergrad.) not that it matters, 'cause i'm in the m.sc program. man, i am going to go nuts. i swear. i don't know how i'm going to pull it off. gain another ten pounds, i suppose. (and i don't mean sterling!!!)

i haven't even finished reading the course content and i'm already panicking. panic panic panic. have to do advanced reading NOW!!! oh, good grief. i can't believe i have to pay to go through this kind of mental torture.

photo archive #008

2005-05-31T11:43:00.000+01:00

animal photos

2005-05-29T05:43:00.000+01:00

images taken from bbc news in pictures

sad

2005-05-27T01:45:00.000+01:00

so i didn't get into the 16-month m.arch program. sigh. but then, i guess it shouldn't be a big deal, 'cause i originally was going to do the 12-month program anyway.

yeah, but it still stings when you know you're not good enough to get into a program you really wanted. than again, i really may not be good enough for the m.arch program, and it's better for me to stick to something i'm good at. technical stuff. boring, number crunching stuff.

sigh. i still feel bad. it's like saying i'm not a good enough designer to be considered for the m.arch program. which, in truth, i really am. i'll admit that much. but i was hoping this could help change that. 'cause the whole time i was in undergrad up 'til my work now, i didn't feel creatively challenged. or inspired. i felt like my creativity was limited, and kept boxed in. i wanted someone to help me get out of the box. i thought this could be it. i guess not.

it's like the rest of the world is telling me to just quit trying and stick to what i know. numbers and words and everything conventional. that should make my parents happy. i suppose.

but it leads me to one question - what about me, am i happy?

no. definitely not.

after hours

2005-05-25T10:37:00.000+01:00

got ambushed twice after work yesterday.

my friend called while i was walking to my car from work. he's just about to finish up and asked if i'm free for coffee. he wants to interrogate me about the blind date he set up. fair enough, since i got a free mint chocolate chip javakula. and a very pleasant chat that lasted more than an hour. i could totally fall in love with him. but that's altogether another issue.

the second time, i got a free nutelle crepe. my high school friend (and usual partner-in-crime) just officially became a bum after four years of working for the same multi-national company. she wanted to celebrate, except that she couldn't find anyone to celebrate with. enter loser without social life - me. we met up past 10 at the best crepe place around - cafe breton. and ended up chatting for over an hour over fatty dessert.

food is always better when it's free. yum!!!

idol!!!

2005-05-23T08:59:00.000+01:00

Champion Kelly Slater makes surfing history, scoring a perfect 20 out of 20 to clinch the Billabong Pro Tahiti title before the 30-minute final was completed.

taken from bbc news

i hate the world today

2005-05-21T05:59:00.000+01:00

i hate every living being on the planet. especially the people i know.

life's a bitch. and then you die.

i should be so lucky.

killing time

2005-05-19T12:38:00.000+01:00

if you've got nothing better to do (which i think is the case, because you have reverted to entertaining yourself through my blog), here are a few interesting links i've come across in the past few months.

Eject! Eject! Eject!

why i hate men

2005-05-17T13:33:00.000+01:00

my opinion of men is now carved on stone.

i was the only female in a group of six males who went out for a coffee break this afternoon. on the way back, i saw a girl in a pink spaghetti-strap tank top (with matching lacy neckline!!!) fixated on her mobile phone. clear skin, full pouty lips that you can't help but notice because of the lip gloss. maybe 19 years old. i thought, "the guys will notice her, for sure." i was mildly surprised when none of them turned back for another look.

i gave them too much credit much too soon.

as we were crossing the street, not five meters away, the testosterone started talking.

"ey, did you see that?"
"still young, that one."

oh yes, why don't you continue talking that way in the presence of a LADY???

maybe i'm too much of a no-frills girl that they already think of me as a guy. or maybe they think i'm that dense (like they are!!) that i wouldn't get what they're saying. or maybe they just don't really care what i think, anyway.

contrary to what you may think, that episode didn't lower my opinion of men. it only reinforced my notions of male - for lack of a better word - piggery.

i know how most men's minds work. i know how to catch their eye, i know how to make them drool. but for the most part, i don't. though i very well can! it doesn't take a lot to wear 50% less fabric than i usually do. and i can certainly put on make-up almost as well as a beautician. but still, i curb the desire to. because i don't want to be perceived as just eye candy. because i know a guy who is just interested in how i look won't really be interested in the long haul.

it upsets me that men are so shallow, that most just see women as something to ogle. (choice of words very much intentional. someTHING. ogle.) okay, so not all men are like that. but heck, would guys smile at me if i weren't 5'7" tall, the right weight, and without any glaring physical deformities??? i already have this general aura that says "men, bugger off" - but it's not quite as effective without a quasimodo face. yes, it's human nature to be attracted to things beautiful. but how some men see women takes that innocent statement to a whole new level.

maybe men aren't really that superficial. but i have seen the drool reflex in practically every single man i've known. with the exception of my ex-boyfriend, who professed that he will not look at another woman after me. (in fairness, he pretty much held to that pledge. at least, while i was around.) if there is a male member of the human race who cares more about a woman's character than her appearance - feel free to introduce yourself. until then, i'll continue hating every testosterone-bearing (supposedly) sentient biped on the face of the planet.

disclaimer: this generalization does not apply to my guy friends. those people, i love. they wouldn't be my friends if they were so facile.

blind date #1

2005-05-13T13:41:00.000+01:00

finally. it happened. first blind date of the year.

conversation tolerable. haha. free food always good. double haha.

this far into the dating scene, i can say with some degree of certainty that i overwhelm the guys who take me out. i don't hog the conversation, mind you, but i think the degree of unease they feel during the course of the date makes them run out of witty things to say.

over lunch, i lifted my head to look at my date seated across me. i looked straight into his eyes. (beautiful eyes, i might say.) when he met my gaze, he laughed and turned away. maybe i caught him staring. i don't know. am i disarmingly beautiful that men just lose control of their mental faculties when i look at them? i think not. (good hair day, by the way. hurrah!!!)

i think my friend painted too good a picture of my date that i was mildly disappointed when i met him. (his exact words were, i don't think you will be disappointed.) ha, shows you how much HE knows about female standards of social acceptability.

not standing up to offer girl a chair - not acceptable.
talking when your mouth is full - not acceptable.
having the girl carry 70% of the conversation - understandable, given the circumstances, but not exactly a good thing.
paying for the meal - okay.
walking girl to car - plus!

i guess i expect too much from men in general, and my dates in particular. i'm still waiting for the right guy who will sweep me off my feet. if he exists. if he doesn't... well, being single ain't too bad. you get free meals once in a while.

panic attack

2005-05-11T04:23:00.000+01:00

i'm trying to curb my cursing, but last night i was scared shitless.

i took the metro rail home 'cause my sister needed the car. right before i got on the train my vision blurred. it wasn't the first time. a corner in my field of vision distorted the images i see. i tried to blink it away but it persisted. all the way until one or two stations before my stop.

i got off the train at my station, and when i passed through the turnestiles, i forgot which way i was supposed to go. i looked around to get my bearings, but i could hardly recognize anything. i couldn't even figure out which side of the street i am on, and which side i should BE on. i had to exert extra effort to think of where i am going. i made a wrong turn twice. and all i had to do was walk a maximum of 50m.

when i got to my pick-up point, i couldn't recognize our car. i couldn't recognize our driver. i had to stare a full minute then look at the license plate to even be sure i wasn't making a mistake. i asked the driver to bring me to the bookstore before we headed home. my wits were about me (more or less) but i had a hard time focusing on things. i knew where i had to go, and what i had to do, but i felt like i was an aimless nomad in a sea of books. i knew it was time to go home.

i wanted to talk to my mom, but she had to run to the atm to get money. so i lay in her bed, panicking and praying. i tried to sms a friend about what i was feeling, only to realize that my left hand had gone numb. it scared me even more. i started to cry. i asked god what was happening to me. when mom got home, i told her what i went through with tears running down my face.

i'm still not feeling very well today. head throbs, couldn't think straight, and just a while ago i felt a sharp pain on my right arm which started to numb my hand.

something feels terribly, terribly wrong.

out for a walk

2005-05-08T02:05:00.000+01:00

i recently heard about carlos celdran's walking tours and have been itching to go since. i swung by his site and now he's got schedules and tour itineraries. anyone up for a tour of historic intramuros? please please please please please??? and maybe the CCP or evangelista street tour, too.

in case you're too lazy to check out his blog, here's the coverage of the tours i'm eyeing. (on dates i'm available.)

IF THESE WALLS COULD TALK!
Walking Tour of Historic Intramuros
Almost four years running now, its the most popular tour in the selection and a definite must for beginners in Philippine History. Take a leisurely afternoon walk along the 400 year old walls of Intramuros and take in a humorous analysis of Philippine art, culture, and society from Pre-Hispanic Manila until the present. Ironically irreverent yet informative.

Itinerary:
Manila Cathedral
Postigo Gate
Church of St. Ignatius Ruins
One Victoria Circle
San Agustin Church
Casa Manila Museum
Fee: Php400.00 adults PLUS
Php 40.00 - Casa Manila fee
Php 65.00 - San Agustin museum fee
Php50.00 - Horse Carriage Ride
Date: May 29 - Sunday - 3:00PM - Meet at the Manila Cathedral

MARTIAL ARTS!
Walking Tour of the Historic Cultural Center of the Philippines Complex
It's a tour all about the Philippines in the 1970’s and the tumultous era of Martial Law, bell-bottom jeans, and Miss Universe. Its a little bit disco, a little bit New Society, and completely Imeldific. So come take a trippy trip through National Artist for Architecture Leandro Locsins finest buildings as we analyze one of the most controversial periods in Philippine history.

Itinerary:
The Cultural Center of the Philppines
The Philippine International Convention Center
The Coconut Palace
Fee: Php400.00 adults PLUS
Php30.00 - Philippine International Convention Center fee
Php100.00 - Coconut Palace fee
Date: May 14 - Saturday - 1:00PM - Meet at Figaro Coffee Shop

EVANGELISTA QUE LINDA!
Afternoon tea and window shopping through the flea markets of Evangelista Street in Bangkal, Makati
Check out the flea market paradise of Bangkal: Makati's mecca for shoppers looking for that fabulous find. Bring a bunch of friends and let's go scour for old records, retro furniture, vintage fashions, and whatever funky things might be lurking within it's rows and rows of second-hand shops. Lots of wooden mid-20th century architecture and a cute little market adds to the charm of the neighborhood. And when we're done, lets all converge for tea and a light snack at Fat Michael's, a cute little homegrown neighborhood bistro. We'll also be going Dutch. Pay your own way ala carte (average Php200.00). Maps will be given and tips on haggling will also be taught.

Itinerary:
Fat Michaels Restaurant
Evangelista St.
Apolinario St.
Hison St.
Fee: Donation of any amount
Date: May 28 - Saturday - 3:30 PM - Meet at Fat Michael's.
Fat Michael's is located at 1354 Gen Lacuna St. Bangkal Makati. (turn right at Makati Apartelle from southbound lane of South Super Hiway before Magallanes).
For those of you who are directionally challenged, we can meet at the Starbucks at the Petron on Pasay Road Dasmarinas Village entrance at 3:00 and we can convoy.

interested parties, please leave a comment or ym me. i'll make arrangements with carlos (feeling close) and update you. come on, it's high time we absorb some culture.

p.s. happy mother's day to all the moms out there!!!

goodbye girl

2005-05-06T10:39:00.000+01:00

sung by bread

All your life you’ve waited for love to come and stay
And now that I have found you, you must not slip away
I know it’s hard believin’ the words you’ve heard before
But darlin’ you must trust them just once more...
’cause baby

Goodbye doesn’t mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn’t mean
We’ll never be together again
If you wake up and I’m not there, I won’t be long away
’cause the things you do my goodbye girl
Will bring me back to you.

I know you’ve been taken, afraid to hurt again
You fight the love you feel for me instead of givin’ in
But I can wait forever, a-helpin’ you to see
That I was meant for you and you for me...
so remember

Goodbye doesn’t mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn’t mean
We’ll never be together again
Though we may be so far apart you still will have my heart
So forget your past my goodbye girl
’cause now you’re home at last.

good hair day

2005-05-04T13:17:00.000+01:00

so good that my sister noticed and asked, "did you get a haircut?" (read: did you have your hair professionally blow-dried and styled today?)

not that i have exceptionally unruly, uncooperative hair. in fact, i have that rare variety of "wash-and-wear" hair, no matter what length. on exceptionally bad days, i just tie it up. recently, though, i've been growing my hair, and i have just officially passed the "flip" (in filipino, tikwas) stage. yes, there are off days. but generally speaking, it's been one smooth ride for the past week and a half. that's without any blow-drying or styling. hurrah!!!

let's hope the good hair lasts until my blind date next week. hahaha.

gripe gripe gripe

2005-05-03T07:03:00.000+01:00

indoor air temperature = 30° C.

i've been perspiring since i got to work this morning. and it does NOT help that the electric fan i brought last week was borrowed by the NEW APPRENTICES last friday, and has yet to be returned since. yah yah yah, i'm being a selfish bitch. after all, the area where they're working doesn't even get AC. but still. it's MY fan. i brought it here for ME to use, and now i'm sweating. help me out here.

whine whine whine. the heat is making me restless. i cannot think, let alone work, under these conditions. my job is not creatively fulfilling as it is, and now i have to deal with the inefficient AC system. the temperature is making me irritable, too. i am beginning to show low tolerance for certain creatures in the office. the ones who take for granted that they have a functioning fan in their workspace which was NOT provided by the employer, but a co-employee, USING HER OWN RESOURCES!!! and maybe those who ask me questions that are supposed to be answered by the system administrator. do i look like i took computer science?!?! but of course, i still answer the questions. and i let ingrates hoard the fan. MY FAN.

i can't work. i REFUSE to work. ugh.

i want my fan back!!!

online survey

2005-05-01T10:35:00.000+01:00

maybe you guys are getting tired of me asking questions the require a lot of typing. the last qom only had 6 answers. either all of you have more interesting lives, or you're just too lazy to click a few links and punch in a few extra keystrokes. oh well. time to let your mouse do the talking.

yep. it's a mini-poll instead. go ahead, go crazy. i'm keeping it on my sidebar for the whole month. (or longer, if i feel like it.) unfortunately, blogger posts don't support javascript, so you'll have to do a bit of work and scroll down to the mini-poll area. c'mon. you can do it.

(oh yeah, just to make sure we're on the same page...
potato chips = lays or ruffles. v-cut.
corn chips = doritos or tostitos. chippy, taquitos, nachos.
multi-grain chips = sun chips. nova or oheya.
fruit chips = duh. banana chips or whatever freeze-dried fruit there is.
just in case you're having trouble identifying the choices.)

another one bites the dust

2005-04-29T14:59:00.000+01:00

not exactly the sentimental, poetic type of title you'd expect from a post that talks about death. yet again.

i think i'm becoming desensitized to the mortality of people around me. maybe it's the frequency i receive such news. maybe it's because the death prior to this was the ultimate shocker, and death by any other fate would not faze me anymore. maybe it's because i didn't care much for the person who died recently. (yes, it's someone i know personally, so it should make SOME kind of impact.)

the former dean of my college passed away last tuesday. i received the news with a deadpan face. i did not go through the shock - anger - denial - depression - acceptance pattern. i jumped all the way to acceptance without so much as a bat of an eye. ok, so he's dead. life goes on.

when a friend and colleague asked if i would go to the wake, i said, "i can't pretend to care."

i can be so heartless, i know.

there was a memorial service for him at our college this evening. i didn't plan on going. a classmate asked me yesterday if i were, and i said, "i have to find peace in my heart first. he was not my favorite person." brutal, but hey, at least i'm honest.

i found peace in less than twenty-four hours. prayer does wonders, i tell you.

during the service, i have come to realize one thing. under different circumstances, the dean and i might have gotten along pretty well. if he had not pegged me as a spoiled fil-chi girl who can't take public transport. if i hadn't stereotyped him as a closet-case homosexual who is so full of himself. maybe we would have been able to engage each other in a healthy intellectual discussion about life and architecture. just maybe.

still, i feel no regret. i feel no loss.

life goes on.

on being beautiful

2005-04-24T09:46:00.000+01:00

who, me? beautiful???

ten years (and fifteen pounds ago) i would have said "who are you kidding???"

when i was younger, i never believed i was anything near pretty, let alone beautiful. i was surrounded by girls much prettier and more popular than i am. i was the geek who spent her spare time in the school library, away from everyone else. besides, hardly anyone would compliment me on my looks. they all kept saying how smart i am. and how can i forget my sister's answer when i asked her if i'm pretty? she said, "yeah, you're pretty. pretty ugly." self-esteem down to zero.

i thought i was ugly, but i hardly spent time fixing myself up, either. my mom and my sister would criticize me when i snoop around and play with my mom's makeup. i was instantly labelled as vain. to underscore that reputation, my dad got me a stuffed version of vanity smurf. (nothing like some positive reinforcement.) since then, i stayed away from cosmetics and mirrors.

flash forward to present.

i went shopping yesterday, and as is my usual habit, i smiled, greeted the parking attendant, and said thanks. as i drove away, he replied, "you're welcome. and you're also beautiful."

ha?!?!?

okay, so i'm flattered. it's not everyday that i get compliments from strangers. though i have to say, i'm getting a bit more attention from the opposite sex these days. and it does wonders to my self-esteem. for the first time in my life, i'm beginning to think i am actually not that bad-looking. (okay, sometimes i think i'm pretty hot, but saying so would be pushing it.)

i still don't spend much time fixing up. i am one of the few women who can live without a hairdryer or a mirror. my sisters (and my brother!) use my bedroom's full-length mirror more than i do. (for the record, my older sister had it put there. i didn't have anything to do with it.) but i AM getting more conscious of how i look. maybe it's an offshoot of the testosterone-induced attention. (it still baffles me how i seem to be gaining fanboys and stalkers by the minute. baffles, but it doesn't mean i don't like it!)

truth be told, i enjoy being beautiful. who wouldn't? you get compliments, extra attention, and the occasional admirer. finally, i am getting the kind of attention that i so desperately wanted when i was growing up. finally, i can look in the mirror and think, i am beautiful.

and i'd actually believe it's true.

on vacation

2005-04-17T22:07:00.000+01:00

yes. i will be going on vacation. sort of.

i won't be going to work. i won't be at home. i won't be coming in contact with a computer, much less internet access, within the next five days.

i'll be in the mountains of rizal, where the bath water is freezing and the signal of my mobile service provider is weak.

goodbye, civilization. i'll be back soon.

letting go

2005-04-13T17:09:00.000+01:00

had a horrendous day. not that i lost an arm or became instantly broke. but it was one of those days that started okay, then it became a downward spiral all the way until midnight. things that would normally not have bugged you, bugged you. all because you were already in a lousy frame of mind within two hours into your day.

today's "highlight" came late in the evening. dad was in one of his moods. (which happens 90% of the time.) i was not in any condition to tolerate him today. tempers flared, and i decided to go to the gym to chill. i left without a word, because i was in no mood to face the grinch. of course, the parents took it negatively. of course, the mother had to confront me. of course, the father had to put in a few more deregatory remarks when i got home. welcome to my world.

i realize i've been holding on to a lot of hurts my family has caused me. i never did feel that i belong to this household, and perhaps it trickles into my attitude. then they give me flack for it, and then i feel unwanted again. it's a vicious cycle. i want it to stop. i want to finally let go of all my family-related hang-ups.

since writing is my venue for stress release, i thought putting these thoughts into words would help me get over my hurts. maybe.

a few of the more hurtful things my parents have told me in my lifetime.

we've spent so much money raising you to this age, and you do this?

- it's always about the money, isn't it dad?

what would people think when they see you this way? how would it reflect on us as your parents, on us as a family?

- okay, so now it's about you and your reputation.

you're so selfish; you're always just thinking about yourself.

- maybe because you don't think about me at all. except, of course, when you're getting mad at me.

if you keep this up, you're going to amount to nothing.

- oh, thanks for the vote of confidence. really.

sigh. with my parents, i never win.

if only i could not care.

impressions

2005-04-12T08:25:00.000+01:00

this has got to be the weirdest comment i have received in my lifetime. okay, maybe not. but it's pretty close.

"i hope you don't get offended, but you seem to be the type who would kiss a guy on a first date."

WHAT?!?!?!

i cannot BELIEVE people (read: men) actually even THINK of things like that. but apparently, they do. they probably size up women according to their bustlines. (incidentally, that same guy once said to me, "for someone of your height, i'd expect bigger boobs." okay, maybe it's just HIM that's weird.)

do i give the impression that i'm easy??? or aggressive???

. . .

WELL???

okay, different scenario.

went on a beach trip a few weeks back. met this girl who hung out with us. consequent conversation with friend regarding new girl:

she likes sticking to guys.
yeah, well, guys like sticking to her, too.
hello, with what she's wearing, of course guys would go near her. (fyi, she was wearing a string bikini.)
hey, what i'm wearing is pretty close! (haltertop bikini with board shorts)
yeah, but you have a more... wholesome aura.

hm. either i really do look more wholesome (what with a hundred square inches more of fabric coverage) or i look less... friendly. or maybe i'm just fatter and uglier. (of course, i would never accept THAT rationale. because, among other things, i've got a better tan. ha!!!)

honestly, i'd rather be seen as a prude than a flirt. i don't need to take off my clothes to have men give me a second look. i get enough unwanted attention fully-clothed, thank you. besides, men who are interested in me 'cause i look great in a 2-piece are not worth my time. so there.

blog tag

2005-04-09T06:50:00.000+01:00

hm. apparently i am the only one not keeping an eye on the book survey tag. just realized i was tagged almost two weeks ago. i followed the survey among my blog friends, and i think two weeks is the longest time that someone didn't answer the survey. ooh, pressure, pressure. should i, or shouldn't i??? i've already thought up of answers in my head, all i need to do is type them up. hmm. yeah yeah, i'm feeling important right now. humor me.

reasons to answer survey.

it's about books. duh.
i can pass it on to someone and get some neat ideas on what to read.
i can see if these things ever really die. and how they evolve.
i can change some questions, or add some. just for kicks.

reasons to NOT answer survey.

it's formulaic. not at all like the creative input i'd usually post on my blog.
i've seen it way before i got tagged, and my answers won't be spontaneous anymore.
circumstances have already changed since i got tagged. i.e. book last bought, book currently reading, etc.
i don't do chain letters. and it's basically the same thing.

hm. oh well. i guess i'm letting it die a natural death. i'm a snob, after all. an intellectual snob, at that.

oh, and being the nerd that i am, i just HAD to find out what farenheit 451 was about. surprise surprise, one of the key characters is my namesake. different spelling, but close enough. curiosity and vanity are now prompting me to get a copy of this bradbury novel and read it. any reviews out there?

in memoriam

2005-04-04T05:27:00.000+01:00

I knew her since high school. Maybe even before that. I don't quite remember. I do remember, though, her bubbly personality. She was the type who would find the good in everyone, in everything. She loves the world, and the world loves her.

Whenever people see her, the first thing they would notice is her harelip. But they soon forget that little detail once she's charmed herself into their hearts. She didn't dwell on her looks. And that's what made her beautiful.

She was smart. Funny. Talented. Simple. Reliable. Selfless. Considerate. Understanding. Patient. She was a lot of things to a lot of people.

She knew pain and hurt and sorrow. But she took all these with a smile. Always a smile.

I lost track of her after high school. She was supposed to meet up with me and other friends early this year, but she couldn't make it. She had to tutor her 14-year-old sister that night.

We weren't really good friends, but it didn't matter. She's one of those people who can get along with anyone. Because she spends more time loving people than judging them.

She died in a car accident early this morning.

She just turned 26 exactly two months ago.

summer cleaning

2005-04-03T09:36:00.000+01:00

for the life of me, i can't seem to find my things. i KNOW i put them in a "safe" place... but they're not in any of the usual safe places i use. i am beginning to think there are malevolent spirits residing in my closets and drawers. supernatural beings who take my things just to spite me. i am not kidding.

strangely enough, only things from a particular phase of my life are missing. the time after board exam and before employment, to be exact. i KNOW i cleaned up my things after the exam, to rid myself of all the useless acquired junk throughout the review months. and i KNOW i set aside all those important things, like extra copies (ORIGINALS, mind you) of my transcript, birth certificate, and what not. actually, what really got me cleaning was my straight edge. same reason i started cleaning a quarter of a year ago. i have two spare parallel rules, both disassembled and standing in the corner of my room in a bucket. with all my other arki-related stuff, like t-squares, tracing tubes, and old plates. the ONLY things that are not with them are the cords and screws needed to attach said straight rules to a drafting board or table. which, unfortunately, have gone AWOL. i tried to llok for them back in october, when my officemate bought my drafting board and straight edge for the january board exam. the thing lost a nut, (okay, that sounded bad...) and i needed to replace it. i KNOW i had two spare sets of nuts and bolts, for the two other parallel rules i have. i looked for them in the places i THOUGHT i kept them. not there. i looked for them in places i wouldn't have thought i kept them. not there either. in the end, i just gave up and told the guy, "i'm sorry."

this time around, i started cleaning up 'cause i plan to donate my old arki stuff to a church friend. their house burned down last week, and she needs arki stuff for her thesis year. so i was back to rifling thorugh my things, trying to find those darn cords nuts and bolts, which i KNOW i put in a red national bookstore plastic bag, and tucked away in my arki junk drawer. after two hours of searching, and consequently CLEANING my room... no red plastic bag. no cords. no nuts. no screws. no bolts. i DID find, however, the following:

old ID cards from grade school. i think grade two all the way until grade five. might even have kindergarten and prep ID's.
cardboard cut-outs i used as toys.
old jackstones and mi-pao sets. (do you remember those???)
christmas greetings in my ugly fourth-grade script.
photos and contact prints from college photography class.
old, inkless pens!!!
childhood arts and crafts projects. a lot of which are plastic straw mice.

needless to say, i got rid of a lot of things today. but, i still haven't found what i'm looking for. (cue U2 music.)

on a side note, if any of you guys have any old arki stuff that you're willing to give away, please let me know!!! no need for straight edges. (though cords and bolts would be greatly appreciated.)

question of the month #007

2005-04-01T09:47:00.000+01:00

summer is here!!! the time for beach trips, group outings, kicking back and relaxing in the sweltering heat. i know i shouldn't be promoting this type of hedonistic lifestyle... but what the heck. this month's question:

hands down... a surfing trip to la union. or samar... or siargao!!! *sigh* i am officially hooked. can't wait to hit the waves again this june.

an alternative would be backpacking to some remote island in the philippines, like batanes. where the beaches are unspoiled, the people are simple, quiet folks, and "roughing it" would be a gross understatement. just me and god's handiwork. aaaaah...

leave your comments! and have a fun-filled summer!!!

brain cramp

2005-03-31T14:26:00.000+01:00

i'm supposed to be helping my friend with her pet project. some social-action volunteer work for a non-government organization. editing write-ups of community-based projects. editing BAD write-ups of community-based projects. ugh.

the thing is, i had no recollection whatsoever of committing to this task. i distinctly remember telling her that i was busy the whole of february with our church drama. and i told her i'll tell my friend who *might* be interested. (i never got to tell my friend, though, because i was too busy.) now, i don't know if i was told that the work was not immediate, and with that i agreed to help... as far as i recall, all i said was "i'll see." also, she set a preliminary meeting, which i flat out said i was not going to attend. (hey, i already had other plans.) so i really had NO IDEA what was going on with her volunteer work. lo and behold... one month later... i was sent an email explaining the project, and attachments with the write-ups i was supposed to edit. due in one month. which is next week.

so now i'm cramming. because i really, REALLY did not have time for this. and i really, REALLY had no intention of helping out with correcting horrendous english. and *WARNING: this is now a really MEAN comment* if she wants to go do something for the betterment of humanity and to make herself feel good about her contribution to society, then she can do it without me. AND *WARNING: bitch alert!!!* if she REALLY wanted to help improve the local economy and/or society, then editing stupid write-ups about oh-so-goody-goody achievements of certain non-government organizations and politicians for some SOUVENIR PROGRAMME or commemorative book is NOT the way to go. really.

okay, bitching over. back to work.

photo archive #007

2005-03-31T03:28:00.000+01:00

mother knows best

2005-03-28T16:45:00.000+01:00

most days i wouldn't think so. but as i age (uh-oh...) i come to realize the value of my mom's kitchen-table wisdom.

take today. i came home feeling sick in my stomach. i skipped dinner and just went to bed. nobody was home, so nobody made me eat dinner. i woke up three hours later still feeling sick. i ate an orange and drank milk. still sick. then mom came home. i told her i wasn't feeling too good. (she's a doctor, by the way.) she gave me some digestive enzymes. (we don't have antacids anymore, i checked.) then she made me eat some toast, even though i felt bloated and really didn't want to eat anything. after two bites, i already felt better. i had to force down the rest of the slice, and another one after, but i did it 'cause mom said so. and i'm feeling better with every minute that passes.

what would i do without her.

i love you, mom.

personal demons

2005-03-27T13:19:00.000+01:00

i first heard guster's demons back when i was in college. i fell in love with it right away. the words and the melody are simple, but i never get tired of it. maybe because it didn't get played much, and it still doesn't... probably because the words still ring very true in my life today as they did over five years ago.

Artist: Guster
From the Album: Goldfly
Song Title: Demons

My words confuse you
My eyes don't move a blink
Cause it's easier sometimes
Not to be sincere
Somehow I make you believe
Believe

When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you've been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt

Honest is easy
Fiction is where genius lies
Cause it's easier sometimes
Not to be involved
Somehow I make you believe
Believe

When I speak I cross my fingers
Will you know you’ve been deceived?
I find a need to be the demon
A demon cannot be hurt

whenever i hear this song... i think of my parents. it's a love-hate relationship between us. some days i love, they hate... other days they love, i hate. most days, i imagine they think of me as the devil's spawn. the day i heard this, i made a decision... to be a demon. and not be hurt. by the ones who were supposed to love me the most.

it's sad that after five years, i still feel the same way about my parents. i am still an angry kid who just got out of her teens, fighting for every shred of independence and getting pushed against the wall almost every time. some days i'm too tired to fight back. those days i realize... i still get hurt. and though i want to, i can't quite play the demon.

back from vacation

2005-03-26T14:24:00.000Z

of course, the first thing i do is blog. (after i unload my dirty laundry and change out of my beach clothes, that is.)

the vacation would have been great except for the last day. and maybe the first day. okay, fine, the vacation was pretty much yesterday. everything else was not quite memorable (or enjoyable).

thursday - eight hour travel to la union. i drove for three hours through provincial marketplace traffic. ugh. got to la union past lunchtime. waves were rough, couldn't surf. though some idiot of an instructor said we could. shyeah right. should have known better and just stayed on the beach. would have saved ourselves P700. grr.

friday - early start. made breakfast for everyone. hit the beginner's surfing beach by 8:30am. let friends have lessons first. surfed from 10 til 11. not very happy. got out of the water coz friend got smacked in the chin by her surfboard. (yes, there was bleeding.) hit the waters again around 11:30am. forgot to reapply sunblock. back of legs slightly burned. got out of water again around 12:30pm. (hungry, hehe.) was chilling by the shade when new friend walked up with a fat lip. whacked on face with surfboard. needed to get stitched up. friends went to hospital, i stayed on beach. went surfing when they got back. learned to paddle out and catch waves. BIG ones. (okay, fine, not THAT big, but at least they're not beginner waves anymore!!!) happy. gave up board for friend who hasn't gotten hang of surfing, waded in water for an hour. face got burned. ouch. head back to temporary home. friend wandered off to beach, came back saying i shouldn't go out into the water. three people partially drowned, and nobody knows cpr. ran as fast as my legs could take me. praying and silently recounting basic cpr rules. assessment: three men, between forty and sixty, staggered breathing, strong pulse. thanked god i didn't have to apply cpr knowledge for the first time. the men were put on boards and brought to a nearby hospital. our group huddled together prayed for them. for some reason, i got teary-eyed. news was 24 people drowned in that area, 1 girl died. (don't tell mom.)

saturday - group decided to skip surfing because of yesterday's events. the kids (read: the two youngest people on this trip) wanted to go play in the water, so i went with them. (hey, SOMEONE had to be the mom.) didn't want to stay too long because - 1. did not want to get burned; 2. it was freakishly hot; 3. had to pack up and get ready to leave. of course, the kids did not think it was a hassle for me to sit in the blistering heat and watch their valuables while they go frolic in the sea. (the waves were pretty strong, by the way. of course, that didn't worry them. kids these days.) sat around for an hour. stood up, hoping they'd see me and realize that i want them back on dry land. doesn't happen. i walk over. one of them gets out. says she'll stay on the beach, but she'll go buy water first. okay. waited ten minutes. already had sand in eye, in between contact lens and cornea. waited a little longer. still no bikini-clad, tan-line-concerned girl toting cold water bottle. water station was five minutes away. got fed up. left beach and brought said girl's bag with mobile phones to apartment where we stayed. went to room. finally got contact lens and sand out after a full twenty minutes of torture. older girls knew i was pissed. went back swinging bag beside me, saw girl at beach enjoying cold beverage. grr. left belongings with her. went to shower and pack up. realized back of legs got burned during the stupid ninety-minute babysitting routine. double grr. asked someone else to go get brats from beach. washed up, packed up, settled accounts. lunch, the high point of the day. ride back took six and a half hours.

got home, and mom had another surprise waiting for me. like i didn't have a bad enough day. sigh. some days, it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

and the back of my legs still sting like crazy.

i need a vacation.

news flash!!!

2005-03-23T12:28:00.000Z

i just received an email from my graduate school coordinator in london. they've restructured the program i will be taking, and they now split it into TWO separate programs. one is the MArch program, which will take 16mos to complete. (an additional 4mos from the original.) the other is the MSc program, which still takes 12mos to finish. what's the difference? hold on, i'm getting there.

the MArch program...

"is mainly addressed to graduates in architecture. it will provide conceptual and analytic design tools and skills enabling designers to respond creatively to current and future environmental challenges in architecture and urbanism. Its longer duration aims to support detailed project development, focusing on real-life projects and encouraging the design, construction and testing of experimental structures..."

the MSc program...

"is addressed to both architects and engineering graduates. it will emphasise the analytic components of the taught course, making extensive use of our advanced computational modeling and simulation tools and aiming to develop a creative collaboration between the disciplines. it follows on the experience of many recent MA graduates who have found very good work opportunities with some of the world’s leading environmental engineering firms..."

i am leaning towards the MArch program, 'cause the MSc course seems to be a tad too technical. (read: boring) i might have to resubmit a portfolio for the MArch program, though. will have to ask the course director. but at any rate, the arch program seems more interesting because it will also cover issues in urbanism. gives it a more macro approach. plus, the experiments sound REALLY COOL. (geek alert, geek alert!!!)

i'm so happy. i've always believed that deferring my studies was a good decision. and this just reaffirms everything. i strengthens my faith in God, in His marvellous plan for my life. it helps me realize again, that if i listen to Him and do His will, things are only going to get better.

some days

2005-03-21T04:59:00.000Z

Some days I just wish I can go back to the time when the most difficult decision I had to make was which color crayon to use.

When all I needed to feel better was some jelly beans or a snow cone.

When the worst mistake I made can be fixed with a fat rubber eraser.

Some days I want to go back to the time when I could just bury myself in books, and nobody would bother me for hours.

When it didn't matter what other kids thought of me, because I know I'm different, and I liked it that way.

When I didn't have to pretend I wasn't hurt or sad or angry, because everyone knows it doesn't take a lot to make a kid cry.

Some days I wish I can go back to when the world I knew revolved around playgrounds and dollhouses.

When I spent most of my hours in the same place everyday, but I didn't mind because I still get to do different things.

When I looked forward to stormy weather because it's the best time to have a mug of warm hot chocolate. With the tiny marshmallows.

When vacations came on a regular basis, and the weekends were never too short.

Some days I wish time would stop, and I could enjoy life the way I did when I was a child.

Some days. Like today.

d-oh!

2005-03-20T09:50:00.000Z

i am a first class dunce. up to this very minute, i cannot BELIEVE i can be so STUPID. note to self - do not try to carry on regular dinner-table conversation while sending sms. it WILL get sent to the wrong person.

i should have trusted my initial instincts and just kept quiet about everything. but noooooooo, the girl in me has to come out, and i just HAVE to tell someone. (yes, it's about me and a person of the opposite gender spending a whole day together. i hope you're all satisfied.) and so, splitting my attention between my mobile and the people at the dinner table, i inadvertently sent the message not to my friend, BUT TO THE GUY I WAS TALKING ABOUT!!!

kill me. kill me now.

of course, blogging about it will not improve the situation. 'cause person in question READS MY BLOG. (hey mister, you know who you are, and i know you're smiling. stop right there!!! you are NOT ALLOWED to read anything that comes after this sentence.)

I TOLD YOU TO STOP READING!!! and don't make me put your whole name down in print!!!

sheesh. men.

i only realized my bubu when my friend has not replied in ten minutes. he usually sends back his male perspective on my situation within five . so i texted (yeah, i hate using that verb, but i have to) my friend again to check if i DID send him the incriminating message... and he said he didn't get anything. seriously. so i put two and two together, and just asked the earth swallow me up at that very moment.

it doesn't stop there. being a human with two x chromosomes, i had to verify my worst fears. i asked HIM. and i was incriminated yet again. just shoot me.

he was all nice and cool about it (not like HE has a reason to panic, duh.) and even offered to not mention it again within our lifetimes. which is an okay idea, except that *I* will not be able to just let it go. (do you even NEED further evidence of that?!?!?!) suffice to say, my mobile phone did not rest until i fell asleep much later that night.

i STILL can't believe i did something so IDIOTIC. i absolutely HATE myself. (images of eva mendez screaming into her pillow and pounding her fist comes to mind.)

the implications of my act of temporary insanity are multi-fold. first, it means that i THINK ABOUT HIM. that is incriminating enough. second, it means i think about him enough to TALK ABOUT HIM WITH MY FRIEND. (or friends, if he prefers to think that way.) third, it means i have put SOME degree of MEANING or importance into spending EIGHT STRAIGHT HOURS with him. (okay, i guess that IS a lot of time...) i can no longer pretend IT'S NO BIG THING. (though seriously, i think he knows that, too. he was all "spiffed up" yesterday hahaha!!!) finally, all three previous points ultimately mean ONE THING - he KNOWS (or at least has an IDEA) that i am considering our situation as something that could grow into a serious relationship. and that i am in favor of such. and it's NEVER a good idea to have that all out so EARLY into a relationship. (or something like it.)

cow. cow cow cow cow COW!!!

only god can fix this horrible mess now. i don't think i can ever live this down.

realizations

2005-03-15T01:24:00.000Z

while the office system administrator is working to restore the network drives, i'm taking the liberty to blog all my random thoughts which i haven't had time to write.

realization 1 - i love working with kids. (and by kids, i mean anyone below age 20.) sure, they can drive me up the wall at times. they're hyperactive and uncontrollable some days. but having them run up to you and say "atsi" in such a sweet voice - like you're the only one who can put their world back together - that more than makes up for all the hair-splitting. when they ask for you, and no one else... when, after a working on something together for even just a month, they suddenly let you into their little world through the simplest gesture like waving goodbye animatedly... something magical just happens. you get this warm fuzzy feeling, and you know you've made a difference in someone's life, no matter how small or insignificant it is in the grand scheme of things. (yeah, maternal instincts growing strong.)

realization 2 - i compartmentalize my friends like i do my things. friends from high school don't mix with friends from college. friends from college or high school don't mix with friends from work. friends from school or work don't mix with friends from church. there are maybe one or two aberrations from each category, but that's pretty much it. i don't know if i make a conscious effort to segregate these people, or it just happens that way. maybe it's a little of both.

realization 3 - i know a lot of people, but i don't have lot of friends. (this i've known since college.) probably because i don't confide in a lot of people. and even when i do, i still "compartmentalize" - i.e. i don't tell them everything about every aspect of my life. work friends don't know about my love life. church friends don't really know about work. and school friends don't know anything except the general direction of my career.

realization 4 - i pack and go. (discovered this during my first job.) which partly explains 3. whenever i close a chapter of my life, i leave behind almost everything that came with it. i lose track of high school classmates. i hardly see my college friends. and don't get me started on ex-boyfriends. whenever i end a phase, i move on. no excess baggage. sort of.

realization 5 - i'm not that memorable. (again, old news.) when people draft up invitations, i'm most likely forgotten. when there's a reunion or get-together of sorts, i'm often the last to know. and most of the time, i feel awkward going to those powows because i hardly know anyone anymore. but i still show up. simply 'cause i know i shouldn't burn all my bridges this early in life. but the rift is so obvious that you can almost taste it.

realization 6 - i'm going back to my childhood habit of biting off more than i can chew. i take on more responsibility than i can handle. i'm not exactly drowning in work right now, but there are days when i just wish i could forget everything and take a breather. and those days are starting to come more frequently. somebody stop me before i self-destruct.

realization 7 - i'm pursuing more creative endeavors these days. maybe i've finally reached my upper limit of banality. my life prior to this has been work, home, work, home, work, gym, home, church, home... and oh, yeah, work. so far, i'm loving the change. just recently took another personality test, and it says my career should be in the field of fine arts. with all the supressed angst just itching to come out, i am not surprised.