pack up and leave
i have not told anyone this. not a soul. but i have decided to let anyone who has access to this blog find out.
when i leave home in january next year, it will be for good.
sure, i'll come back. to visit. but manila won't be my home anymore.
this much i know. i've seen it happen to my older sister. maybe it will happen to my older brother. but i know it will happen to me. so just embrace the reality. besides, i want it to. happen.
i've seen what life outside these walls can offer. and i will take it. i want to have life, and have it to the full. staying here is not exactly the way to live a full life.
how do i know this?
when i left my flat in london ten days ago, i felt SAD. a wave of sorrow crashed over me like some irrepressible force of nature. something i never felt when i left the place i have spent 26years of my life in. i have only lived 90+ days in london. and yet it felt more like home in many ways than this place ever did.
for all my life i've felt that i don't belong here. sometimes the feeling disappears. like the past year. i was inexplicably happy with my life. sure, there are downsides, but i coped. i was satisfied. can't exactly say there's nowhere else i'd rather be, but the thought of leaving immediately hardly surfaced. probably because i knew i was leaving sooner or later. more like sooner.
but in london... there's nowhere else i'd rather be. it's not the perfect city. it's not the perfect weather. it's not the perfect life. but i'm happy. happier than i've ever been in a long time. happier than i could ever remember. life made sense over there. life was simple. the most i had to worry about was how to split my laundry into darks and whites. okay, that's an over/understatement. but you get the idea.
perhaps all my life, i just wanted to get away from the me that i am over here. the unhappy, negative, supressed and frustrated me. the trapped me. the me that has to live according to everyone else's expectations and demands. the me that is subjected to rules i do not quite believe in, yet follow. the me who sometimes wanders aimlessly through life, doing the "right" thing, but not necessarily the good thing.
in london, nobody expects anything of me. nobody knows who i am or how i am. they are just in the process of finding out. and frankly, so am i.
in london, i'm not just me. in london, i am the best me i know i can be.
and that makes all the difference.
when i leave home in january next year, it will be for good.
sure, i'll come back. to visit. but manila won't be my home anymore.
this much i know. i've seen it happen to my older sister. maybe it will happen to my older brother. but i know it will happen to me. so just embrace the reality. besides, i want it to. happen.
i've seen what life outside these walls can offer. and i will take it. i want to have life, and have it to the full. staying here is not exactly the way to live a full life.
how do i know this?
when i left my flat in london ten days ago, i felt SAD. a wave of sorrow crashed over me like some irrepressible force of nature. something i never felt when i left the place i have spent 26years of my life in. i have only lived 90+ days in london. and yet it felt more like home in many ways than this place ever did.
for all my life i've felt that i don't belong here. sometimes the feeling disappears. like the past year. i was inexplicably happy with my life. sure, there are downsides, but i coped. i was satisfied. can't exactly say there's nowhere else i'd rather be, but the thought of leaving immediately hardly surfaced. probably because i knew i was leaving sooner or later. more like sooner.
but in london... there's nowhere else i'd rather be. it's not the perfect city. it's not the perfect weather. it's not the perfect life. but i'm happy. happier than i've ever been in a long time. happier than i could ever remember. life made sense over there. life was simple. the most i had to worry about was how to split my laundry into darks and whites. okay, that's an over/understatement. but you get the idea.
perhaps all my life, i just wanted to get away from the me that i am over here. the unhappy, negative, supressed and frustrated me. the trapped me. the me that has to live according to everyone else's expectations and demands. the me that is subjected to rules i do not quite believe in, yet follow. the me who sometimes wanders aimlessly through life, doing the "right" thing, but not necessarily the good thing.
in london, nobody expects anything of me. nobody knows who i am or how i am. they are just in the process of finding out. and frankly, so am i.
in london, i'm not just me. in london, i am the best me i know i can be.
and that makes all the difference.
posted by super inday at 7:53 pm
5 Comments:
good for u! we don't know each other personally but i came across your blog a couple of months back. found it interesting how many of us are in the same boat. enjoy your life and relish in the good opportunities sent to you. : )
everyone has a past that they want to leave behind, im glad you have the opportunity, for the lack of a better term, "change all that" hehehe.. shoot, change is good, whatever it takes =p
and remember, the only reason you should even think of coming back here after a master's degree in london full time is if you have access to political pork barrell funds, hehe.. paging senator "..." =P
Whoa, I know how you feel. The thing is, aren't you familiar with the guilt people here will most likely put on you? Just a thought -- I'm kinda complaining about that too.
Well, goodluck. It's your choice and your life anyways :-) And happy holidays!
- The Cocktail
fongerts, i salute you! you know what you want and you go for it! as your gripe buddy, i know what you're talking about... we're practically on the same boat, you and i! im glad that you finally found what youre looking for.
hopefully sometime soon i will have my "london" also... 'til then congrats and i fully support your choice to leave this often god forsaken country! good luck and godspeed!
-you-know-who from lcdi
I know exactly what you mean and how you feel. 11 years ago I went through the same thing. I learnt a long time ago that home is where your heart is, and not what other people say it should be. Go for it! Live your life! Goodluck, I wish you all the best! :)
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