dear r

damn, this is hard.

i've played this over and over in my head a million times. i knew what to say, i figured out how to say it. but i never got to the part about how to start.

i've known you almost two years. and you've come in and out of my life so many times, i've lost count. whenever the memory of you starts to fade into oblivion, you show up. a call, a message, an email. it doesn't matter how. you just find some way to let me know that you're alive.

from day 1 i knew you were special. i knew you'd always be a part of my life, or at least, i wanted you to be. maybe i already fell in love with you then. i don't know.

what i find totally amazing is how we got along so well, despite the fact that we hardly knew each other. and that we come from very different backgrounds. and that we were born almost a decade apart. then again, stranger things have happened.

i can't quite describe how i feel about you. it's a strange kind of comfortable affinity that is satisfied with just being. maybe i love you. but i've been in love a few times before, and this is totally different. this love - if you can call it that - is the kind that makes no demands. the kind that makes me wonder where you are at night, and how you're feeling. but hardly hopes that you think of me, too. the kind that simply wants you to be happy - with or without me - but makes me crushed when i know you're not. the kind that realizes any girl would be lucky to have you, but knows and accepts that i'm not the one you want, much less need.

i guess you can say it's the kind of love that knows how to let go. a sad kind of love that accepts losing as part of loving.

maybe i'm not in love with you. maybe i'm crazy.

i guess i'd have to be, to fall for you. crazy, i mean.