anniversary

i sat down to face her from across the table.

hey.

she looked up blankly.

how are you doing? i ventured.

not bad. it's a saturday. saturdays are always good.

i smiled at her simple answer.

it's been a year, you know. her thoughts jolted me back to reality. it's been a year to the day. even to the hour.

wow. i almost didn't notice.

yeah, me too. it seemed like just any other day when i woke up. isn't that funny?

what is?

that the days you're supposed to remember, you tend to forget.

hmmm, i suppose. did you make it a point to remember?

well, i thought wouldn't have to. i thought it would be something i wouldn't forget. but i guess i just got caught up in other things that it didn't really hit me 'til an hour ago.

so what are you thinking?

about what happened.

and?

and how i got here.

you feel it was a mistake?

i don't know... it definitely wasn't the smartest thing to do. but we wouldn't be sitting here talking this way if it didn't happen.

that's true.

silence.

do you remember what happened exactly? i asked.

pretty much. i remember taking sixteen blue pills, three or four at a time. i remember crying as i did it. and i remember feeling really sleepy and trying to stay awake...

i looked at her. she was staring out the window, glassy-eyed.

i remember hearing the nurse taking my blood pressure. i think he said it was 10/60... i'm not sure, i couldn't really hear him anymore. i was blacking out. they kept asking me what i took. then they forced a tube down my throat. i felt like throwing up... i remember the cold. and the darkness. it was like swimming in a pool of emptiness, like floating in space...

what did you feel at that time?

i was angry. at everyone, at everything. i hated myself. i hated my life. i felt so... worthless. empty. unloved.

she couldn't look at me. i could tell that she was trying hard not to cry. she blinked a few times, and a tear started rolling down her right cheek. i reached out and touched her fingertips. she looked down, shoulders drooped. sadness clung to her like a rain-sodden jacket. she sighed deeply.

do you think i'll ever get out of here? she looked up, straight into my eyes.

i'm sure you will. i made myself believe it, too.

she smiled. i pulled my hand away and got up to leave.

thanks for coming, she said.

no problem.

i smiled and waved. then turned my back on the mirror.