fallin'
this post has been sitting on my drafts section for quite a while. a hundred bucks goes to the person who guesses the date i originally wrote this. it's been an agonizing X number of weeks, and it doesn't look like it's going to end soon.
yeah, it's the anti-thesis of being happily single. shoot me while you can.
just for the record, i am still single. and i do not hate it. BUT... i am getting confused by circumstances surrounding my life. just when i was content being alone, something, SOMEONE, comes along and makes me do a double take. i want to ask god what this means, but i'm also scared of hearing his answer. strange as it may sound, i do not want to fall in love again. not yet. not now!!! sometimes i want to ask god, "what gives?!?! you know i can't do this now. you know i don't need this!!!" but, of course, there's that small part of me that says, "can it be? is this what you want for me right now?" truth is, i am quite happy with the way things are going. and i'll definitely jump in headfirst if god gives me the go signal.
sometimes i get to thinking that god wants to make sure that i will stick to my present plan of staying single. other times i feel that he's finally working on my love life and this is his surprise for me. oh, what a surprise. it came when i least expect it. and from someone i would have noticed the least. every time i think about it i am blown away. it's just... wow. yes, i am giddy as a schoolgirl. who wouldn't be? it's like the stuff i used to read in those teenage romance novels. (but not as cheezy, mind you.) when i recall how things happened i can't help but smile and feel this funny glow. and each time i speak with god's little surprise, he seems to be more of the kind of man that i have been waiting for. he seems too good to be true.
maybe i'm falling... what does that mean, anyway? does it mean thinking of him almost every single day since the day you met? and catching yourself smiling whenever you do? does it entail waiting for his phone calls, for his messages, hoping to hear from him every so often? and maybe keeping his messages on your mobile just for sentimental reasons? even keeping a recorded message on you answering machine just so you can hear his voice? if that's the case, then yes, i am unmistakably, undeniably falling for him. however, for the time being, i am convincing myself that there is nothing more to this than friendship. i don't want to jump the gun this time and play the fool - again. i have learned enough from my past to keep a rein on my feelings until things are actually much clearer. and for someone as impulsive as i am, that takes a LOT of willpower. unfortunately, these days it seems like a losing battle.
i haven't heard from him for a while. and i am going nuts. i am moodier than i have ever been in the past six months - excluding periods of hormonal imbalance, that is. i am kicking myself for being so... stupid. these days i am wishing i can be like those charming, coy girls who seem to draw men to them like bees to a honeycomb. i used to kid around saying my charm works in reverse - it repels rather than attracts. now i am wishing it were not true.
what really gets me is that the "relationship" (for lack of a better word, though it is obviously not such) had a strong start. i can tell he was into me. (unless i am deluded, in which case this whole post is simply rantings of a madwoman.) and it was going great. he'd send me text messages. he asked for my number and he'd call. heck, he even went to my place one sunday afternoon and invited me out for coffee. but now it's like cold turkey. oh, the agony of waiting. yes, i know i posted that article that says waiting is the highest form of service. but i don't feel like serving anyone else right now. (in hindsight, that post is probably responsible for the unnerving silence i am experiencing at the moment. drat.)
now here's the clincher: i know i have absolutely no right, but i felt a tiny twinge of jealousy when i found out he was going to visit a friend this weekend. a female friend. who lives a thousand miles away. (read: has to take the expressway to get to her place.) and this i found out from the girl he's visiting!!! yaaaaaagggghhh!!! the things i put myself through. if i were any other girl i'd probably kill myself for being such an idiot. instead i blog. and take the BIG risk that parties concerned will read it. like digging my own grave. then again, he's ignoring me now. so maybe he won't see.
if he does, let's just hope he's dense like most guys. then again, if he were like most guys i wouldn't be so crazy about him.
yeah, it's the anti-thesis of being happily single. shoot me while you can.
just for the record, i am still single. and i do not hate it. BUT... i am getting confused by circumstances surrounding my life. just when i was content being alone, something, SOMEONE, comes along and makes me do a double take. i want to ask god what this means, but i'm also scared of hearing his answer. strange as it may sound, i do not want to fall in love again. not yet. not now!!! sometimes i want to ask god, "what gives?!?! you know i can't do this now. you know i don't need this!!!" but, of course, there's that small part of me that says, "can it be? is this what you want for me right now?" truth is, i am quite happy with the way things are going. and i'll definitely jump in headfirst if god gives me the go signal.
sometimes i get to thinking that god wants to make sure that i will stick to my present plan of staying single. other times i feel that he's finally working on my love life and this is his surprise for me. oh, what a surprise. it came when i least expect it. and from someone i would have noticed the least. every time i think about it i am blown away. it's just... wow. yes, i am giddy as a schoolgirl. who wouldn't be? it's like the stuff i used to read in those teenage romance novels. (but not as cheezy, mind you.) when i recall how things happened i can't help but smile and feel this funny glow. and each time i speak with god's little surprise, he seems to be more of the kind of man that i have been waiting for. he seems too good to be true.
maybe i'm falling... what does that mean, anyway? does it mean thinking of him almost every single day since the day you met? and catching yourself smiling whenever you do? does it entail waiting for his phone calls, for his messages, hoping to hear from him every so often? and maybe keeping his messages on your mobile just for sentimental reasons? even keeping a recorded message on you answering machine just so you can hear his voice? if that's the case, then yes, i am unmistakably, undeniably falling for him. however, for the time being, i am convincing myself that there is nothing more to this than friendship. i don't want to jump the gun this time and play the fool - again. i have learned enough from my past to keep a rein on my feelings until things are actually much clearer. and for someone as impulsive as i am, that takes a LOT of willpower. unfortunately, these days it seems like a losing battle.
i haven't heard from him for a while. and i am going nuts. i am moodier than i have ever been in the past six months - excluding periods of hormonal imbalance, that is. i am kicking myself for being so... stupid. these days i am wishing i can be like those charming, coy girls who seem to draw men to them like bees to a honeycomb. i used to kid around saying my charm works in reverse - it repels rather than attracts. now i am wishing it were not true.
what really gets me is that the "relationship" (for lack of a better word, though it is obviously not such) had a strong start. i can tell he was into me. (unless i am deluded, in which case this whole post is simply rantings of a madwoman.) and it was going great. he'd send me text messages. he asked for my number and he'd call. heck, he even went to my place one sunday afternoon and invited me out for coffee. but now it's like cold turkey. oh, the agony of waiting. yes, i know i posted that article that says waiting is the highest form of service. but i don't feel like serving anyone else right now. (in hindsight, that post is probably responsible for the unnerving silence i am experiencing at the moment. drat.)
now here's the clincher: i know i have absolutely no right, but i felt a tiny twinge of jealousy when i found out he was going to visit a friend this weekend. a female friend. who lives a thousand miles away. (read: has to take the expressway to get to her place.) and this i found out from the girl he's visiting!!! yaaaaaagggghhh!!! the things i put myself through. if i were any other girl i'd probably kill myself for being such an idiot. instead i blog. and take the BIG risk that parties concerned will read it. like digging my own grave. then again, he's ignoring me now. so maybe he won't see.
if he does, let's just hope he's dense like most guys. then again, if he were like most guys i wouldn't be so crazy about him.
posted by super inday at 10:21 am
5 Comments:
just a thought, now that you have spilled your guts online for a few hours, a day, or even a couple of days, maybe it would be safe to assume that whoever needed to see this post has already seen it. that being the case, it would probably be wise to delete it and believe that it has done its job. however, that is just shy old me:)
ah, fresh male perspective once again. and yes, both your comments have crossed my mind at one time or another. i already took out this post earlier this morning, but decided to put it back in just to see what other people have to say =p don't think he'll look at my blog 'til late afternoon, at the earliest. and i think i've given enough hints to let him know i AM interested. unless he IS dense. durr. well, one thing's for sure - he's cautious. maybe overly cautious. thanks for the input guys.
Okay, after the opinions from these guys, you may need a girl's point of view. Hehe.
But first and foremost, I'm not a guru of love. But there are times you advise others and turn out advising yourself too. So let me give a try.
I've been single for a long time (so I guess I'm more of a guru on being single, hehe) and yes, plunging into non-singlehood is quite a big step. I guess it's because I'm so used to being secure and having things in schedule and regular that when something comes to change it, I lose grip of what I should do.
but isn't that the joy of being single? being scared, being confused, depressed, etc when love actually knocks at your door. It's quite ironic -- and cliche -- but that's the way it is.
what i learned is to embrace love when it comes your way. i do agree with what raymond said. Give a hint. Guys could be really dense. I mean, if he does end up with over-the-expressway girl, at least you would have the feeling that you gave it your shot. So if it wouldn't work it would be his loss, not yours.
Good luck!
Oops, it was yo pala who mentioned about giving a hint :D
ay naku, tama! i-blog mo na lang yan, girl. ok na 'tong post na 'to as a "sign" for any "cautious" man. i'll share one love passage from my dear old friend karen kunawicz:
"I wonder if I can love people the same way I love
rain:
To be in love with someone madly yet selflessly. To let the other person be mad, crazy, beautiful, unpredictable and soothing without having to pin them down and make them have to stay. To just be happy each time he or she is there and to be happier still whenthey stay the week, and to not be sad when they go away because you know they're coming back. To love the person and expect nothing in return except to know the person is being himself or herself. And finally to know that there are also people whom that person touches in his or her own way, making others fall in love with them too. So you have to share freely and happily, at the same time knowing you are special and that no two people can love the person quite the same way."
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