drained, detached, dysfunctional
oh. and i forgot - dead.
*sigh*
i've been getting really tired these days. so tired that i sleep through lunch. every day, for the past week. maybe it's because i haven't been going to the gym. which is because i've been pretty busy. which is probably the reason why i'm tired. repeat.
missing lunch means missing mundane office conversations. and in truth, i don't really miss it. i don't miss them talking about people i don't know or care to know. i don't miss the hollow chit-chat and laughs that come with it. i don't miss squeezing in with ten other people at the lunch table that normally would fit only six. nope, i don't miss it at all.
i am not my normal self these days. normal being unbothered, un-stressed, generally happy with where i am and where i'm going. normal being capable of stomaching shallow inanities of people with much smaller dreams than i, smiling and appreciating whatever level of friendship they can offer me, satisfied with where most of the hours of my day is spent. unfortunately, normal does not happen often.
all of a sudden i feel like my time is no longer my own. yet again.
i have to do this, i have to do that, i have to be someplace or another. not by choice. sure, at first it was a choice. i chose to undertake this project, and that one, and so on. i did what i'm supposed to do out of the love for whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing. but now... the successive doings became more of a chore. it's no longer a choice. do i want to be there? not really. but i have to be. part of the package.
maybe i didn't really think things out when i made my decisions. common pitfall of an impulsive doer. but now that i'm here... no turning back. can't very well just up and leave when i don't feel like doing. my parents have taught me as much. damn them for making me so responsible.
all i want right now is just the chance to actually DO WHAT I WANT. i need to feel that i'm in control of my time. MY TIME. the twenty-four hours that i have in a day. MINE MINE MINE. unfortunately, i have to work nine hours in a day. plus the travel time of one hour going and coming. plus one hour lunch break which is spent at work, anyway. so that just basically takes up HALF of my day. HALF. i only have TWELVE HOURS left to myself. and, being the sleepyhead that i am, eight of my twelve hours is spent sleeping. i can't function normally if i don't have at least seven hours of sleep. so that leaves four hours. one hour for my morning routine and breakfast. one hour for dinner and bedtime prep. so i only have two hours. which sometimes gets eaten up by metro manila traffic. so essentially i have zero hours to myself. ZERO.
those days that i DO have those two precious hours... i often spend in church-related activities. bible study. sports ministry. theater production. things i do outside church are limited to gym visits, book reading, writing, swimming, and the occassional dinner or movie. these days, it's just church production and bible study. which is why i feel like i don't have my own time.
everyone else is looking forward to an extended three-day weekend. i have a church production, plus a sunday. which means i have a total of twelve hours to myself. if i'm lucky. whoopee doo.
i know i shouldn't be resentful of the time i spend doing church work. but some days, i just am. lord, forgive me.
posted by super inday at 5:50 am
4 Comments:
Let's put it this way. I work freelance, my time is in my hands. However:
*Clients wake me up at two in the morning.
*I have to respond to queries while am on the road; I usually have to make reroutes just to look for an internet cafe.
*My 'boss' is majorly pissing me off.
*My 'clients' are majorly pissing me off.
*Most of the time I get too lazy doing things by myself I even continue to stare at the television even with a deadline looming over me.
*Most of my friends have regular jobs, highlighting my chosen 'loner' lifestyle.
*Sometimes, even with too much time in your hands, nothing beats that lifestyle with company. Which makes you work in a company. Possibly employed. Unless you own the company. Which is a different kind of headache altogether.
So I guess, the solution is, be a 'global nomad'! Work for half a year, relax for the rest. Though that's hard to do in this country.
~The Orange Cocktail
Let's put it this way. I work freelance, my time is in my hands. However:
*Clients wake me up at two in the morning.
*I have to respond to queries while am on the road; I usually have to make reroutes just to look for an internet cafe.
*My 'boss' is majorly pissing me off.
*My 'clients' are majorly pissing me off.
*Most of the time I get too lazy doing things by myself I even continue to stare at the television even with a deadline looming over me.
*Most of my friends have regular jobs, highlighting my chosen 'loner' lifestyle.
*Sometimes, even with too much time in your hands, nothing beats that lifestyle with company. Which makes you work in a company. Possibly employed. Unless you own the company. Which is a different kind of headache altogether.
So I guess, the solution is, be a 'global nomad'! Work for half a year, relax for the rest. Though that's hard to do in this country.
~The Orange Cocktail
freelancing is not so bad if you work with a team, but yeah, it does get lonely at times
wow, I was able to relate to some of your points in this entry. I've been spending my lunch break for the past two months (or more) alone. Seriously. I read, take a stroll outside, etc. I bring my own food so it's easier. A hermit, an introvert, is what I can call myself. But it relaxes me.
But I think I've taken having time for myself way beyond what you even dream of. I spend most of my weekends alone. I stay inside my room unless there's a good show to watch in the television.
I guess I could go insane doing this for the next year or so. Well I guess the two of us need to balance of alone- and non-alone- time.
-- risha
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