letting go

had a horrendous day. not that i lost an arm or became instantly broke. but it was one of those days that started okay, then it became a downward spiral all the way until midnight. things that would normally not have bugged you, bugged you. all because you were already in a lousy frame of mind within two hours into your day.

today's "highlight" came late in the evening. dad was in one of his moods. (which happens 90% of the time.) i was not in any condition to tolerate him today. tempers flared, and i decided to go to the gym to chill. i left without a word, because i was in no mood to face the grinch. of course, the parents took it negatively. of course, the mother had to confront me. of course, the father had to put in a few more deregatory remarks when i got home. welcome to my world.

i realize i've been holding on to a lot of hurts my family has caused me. i never did feel that i belong to this household, and perhaps it trickles into my attitude. then they give me flack for it, and then i feel unwanted again. it's a vicious cycle. i want it to stop. i want to finally let go of all my family-related hang-ups.

since writing is my venue for stress release, i thought putting these thoughts into words would help me get over my hurts. maybe.

a few of the more hurtful things my parents have told me in my lifetime.

we've spent so much money raising you to this age, and you do this?

- it's always about the money, isn't it dad?

what would people think when they see you this way? how would it reflect on us as your parents, on us as a family?

- okay, so now it's about you and your reputation.

you're so selfish; you're always just thinking about yourself.

- maybe because you don't think about me at all. except, of course, when you're getting mad at me.

if you keep this up, you're going to amount to nothing.

- oh, thanks for the vote of confidence. really.

sigh. with my parents, i never win.

if only i could not care.