bad day

some days you just wish you weren't born.

i should have known today was going to be a bad day. should have known it since the time i got a throbbing headache early in the morning. one that didn't go away for the rest of the day. until i took a pain killer this evening.

everybody in the house hates me. almost. i don't know. i just feel so... unwanted. like a major let-down.

when in fact all i did was not get home in time for tonight's ballet.

which is not entirely my fault, because i told them a million and one times i'll be out this afternoon. i was at the office. and i left a good hour before i was due home. it was raining. i was stuck in traffic. i ran red lights and plunged headlong into floodwaters to get home in time. only to find my two sisters not quite ready to leave yet. not ready enough for me to change into a different top and still wait a good minute or two in the car. but still, it was my fault. or it seems like it.

it wasn't my fault mom wanted me to drive her someplace this morning. and i had to run late for my lunch date. which was also pushed back because my friend had a 1pm deadline. it's not my fault traffic was against me, and 90% of the streets in the city of my destination were either one-way, or didn't allow left turns or u-turns. it's not my fault i spent 30mins going around in circles just to get to the parking lot. and you can't blame me for wanting to rest a while once i got to the office. i was in the car more hours than i was anywhere.

it's not my fault my obile ran out of batteries. they were supposed to last until tomorrow. apparently, there is something wrong with my charger, and the power outlet in my room. up to now, my phone isn't charging properly.

but still, it get this feeling that it was my fault. not that they said anything to me, but they pretty much blamed me when they reported to mom.

forget that i cooked and cleaned for four days in a row, two to three meals a day. forget that i was almost always the one left home to open the door for everyone else while they were out. forget that i pretty much paid for tonight's disaster with the last remaining cash in my wallet. forget that i drove for four hours out of my ten-hour day. and that this was the first time i was out of the house for more than two hours to do my personal stuff. that's saying a lot, because it takes me at least 30mins to get anywhere, usually longer.

and even though i know it's not really my fault, i still feel bad. like it IS my fault.

god, i wish you would just take me away. some days, i really just can't go on like this.