say what???

9pm

Tears streamed down my face as I drove away. I didn’t know where to go...
I just wanted to get away from where I was. Soon I was I headed towards the nearest familiar place I could find.

The university.

As I drove past buildings that once formed the only world I know, my heart slowed down a little. Even in the darkness, the streets seemed to welcome me like an old friend. I rolled down the windows of my car and took a deep breath. Somehow the air seemed cleaner under the age-old trees that lined avenues I knew so well.

I parked my car next to the open field. I needed to talk to someone.

I called the one person who I knew would listen and understand.
The one person who wouldn’t judge me, whatever I did.

I was afraid he wouldn’t answer. We haven’t spoken for ages. Ring... ring...

Maybe he’s asleep. Maybe he’s out. Maybe... “Hello?”

He picked up after the fourth ring. It had seemed like forever.

“Hi,” I said, trying to sound normal. But he knew me too well.

“What’s up?”

“I just had a bad day...”

I poured out my heart to him like I did so many times, years ago. And he listened attentively, as he always did. He spoke gently, as one who truly understands. Just hearing his soothing voice calmed my nerves.

When I was done he helped me pull myself together.
Then he told stories to make me smile. I laughed...

Beep.

I stared at my phone. I had run out of batteries.

And all I could think of was how I didn’t get to thank him, or say goodbye.

I stepped out of the car and walked towards the open field.
The wind blew clouds across the evening sky,
and the cool air reminded me that Christmas was near.

I lay on the dew-laden grass and stared upwards at the stars. Then I said a little prayer for the friend that had once been so much more.

faith

Hebrews 11
1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 2This is what the ancients were commended for.
3By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.
4By faith Abel brought God a better offering than Cain did. By faith he was commended as righteous, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith Abel still speaks, even though he is dead.
5By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death: “He could not be found, because God had taken him away.” For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. 6And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
7By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that is in keeping with faith.
8By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. 9By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. 10For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. 11And by faith even Sarah, who was past age, was enabled to bear children because sheb considered him faithful who had made the promise. 12And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore.
13All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. 14People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. 15If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. 16Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

lifted from Today's New International Version

remembering

some days
i just sit and think
of my life past

of old friends
old loves
past hurts
and the tears shed

i sit and remember
what my life was like
back then

i was angry
i was sad
i was lost
and scared and tired

and alone

unloved
unwanted
unimportant

surely i wouldn't be missed
if i just disappeared
if one day i went away
and never came back

so i left...

but not without a trace

because deep down inside
i wanted to be found
i wanted to be taken back

and the day they found me
was the day i found myself

now i sit and think
of my life past

of old friends
old loves
past hurts

i know that tears shed
were not for naught

because each teardrop
drew me closer
to You

psychic

i am SO good i want to hit myself.

right now i am in the throes of emotional... whatever. no, i'm not upset. but i am feeling VERY strongly about something. sorry, this is going to be one of those weird, what-the-heck-are-you-talking-about posts. why? because it's a sensitive topic, durr.

female intuition strikes again. da*n, i'm good. i didn't need to ask. i felt it. and tonight, i found confirmation serendipitously. some people may think i read too much in between the lines, but then again... it's gotten me this far. and they wonder why i seem to know so much about everything.

i want to curse until all the pent-up emotions have dissipated. aaaaaagh!!! i'm just so... gaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

of course, i have to blog. for lack of a better audience.

man, i'm good. i am SO right about these things it scares me.

and this is just the tip of the iceberg. i haven't even started on my dreams and spontaneously-generated thoughts which lead to parallel events. but those are borderline inexplicable. THIS one... well, it's just a matter of being perceptive, sensitive, and intuitive. i am just so.... whooo!

okay, enough blogging.

but da*m, i'm REALLY good.

a bug's life

my boss is being a bug. he has been a major pain these past few days. and today, he chose to pick on me. woohoo. of course, being the hardliner that i am, i won't let him talk me down. so i supplied him with level-headed, logical answers to his out-of-line comments. and i think my strong attitude gets on his nerves and fires him up even more. he hates being wrong. nay, he is NEVER wrong (he thinks he's infalliable like god), so when someone says something that suggests the contrary, his temper flares. what a very down-to-earth, respectable boss i have. oh, and did i mention what i think of his maturity level?

amazingly, though, i didn't get upset. i just let his irrational comments slide off my back. after a few minutes i even found it quite amusing. he has no idea what he's talking about. it's just his pride talking, actually. so i sit and do my work with a self-satisfied smirk on my face. actually, it wasn't even a smug look... it was just genuine amusement. i found it funny that he gets so worked up over my "errors" and "inefficiency" when in fact it's his instructions that makes things complicated. there's only one word i can use in these situations. one word which i wish i can say to his face. DURR.

i just hope i don't turn out like he did. or i might as well just quit right now. would rather be amused at stressful situations than be stressed.

unfortunately, his weird behavior still manages to irk me. but just a tad. let's hope it stays that way. i don't want to become a bug.

hangover

i think i overslept. it's been a rough week, and an overcompensating, active weekend. biking on saturday (i can now stay on the bike for prolonged periods of time! woohoo!!!) and badminton on sunday. my body is sore, my head hurts (no, i didn't drink any alcoholic beverages) and my stomach is acting weird. speaking of which...

i am STILL gaining weight. yes, ladies and gentlemen, i have broken the 130-pound mark. to think that i don't eat as much or as often anymore. plus i've already started cutting down on my afternoon and evening carbs. urgh. time to hit the gym.

today i have time to blog because it's a non-working holiday. whoopee!!! i just realized i had an extra day while dressing up for church yesterday morning. it felt stragely exhilirating to realize you have an extra 24 hours all to yourself. now i have time to watch lost in translation and read the da vinci code.

honestly speaking though, the book is not living up to my expectations. maybe because i've heard a lot of rave reviews about it. the ideas in the book are intriguing at the least, but dan brown's writing style is quite a headache. i'll finish the book, but i don't think i'll be picking up any dan brown novels for a VERY long time. full review of the book once i'm done, i promise.

so little time, so much to blog. sorry kids, blogging is not a priority now. though i should say, it helps keep my head on straight. will try to log in at least once a week, for everyone's benefit (most especially mine!!!)

rebel

you've always had a rebellious streak in you.
you're so stubborn and proud, you can't take correction.
i didn't spend so much money raising just to have you behave this way.

so now i am just another investment. a commodity.
thanks. at least now i know where i stand.

you're stronger than this, come on.
you don't have to do this...

i'm sick and tired of being strong! what's so wrong about being weak?
yes, i have to do this. i don't see any other way.

hey, talk to me. wake up.
i'm here, we're all here.
we love you.

no you don't!!! that's a lie!!!
you expect me to believe you while i'm lying here half-conscious?
i just want to sleep. let me sleep.

what's wrong with you?
when something bad comes your way you just try to kill yourself.
do you know how that looks to other people?
you know how badly that reflects on me?

if you weren't such a lousy parent, i wouldn't be so screwed up.
and thanks, it's nice to know your first concern is your reputation.

you say i'm a rebel. maybe i am.
but you don't realize that you're a tyrant.

all i wanted was my own life.
and you wouldn't even let me take it.

pretentious

i thought i was happy. i thought i was alright. that there was no reason for me to scream and break down and cry.

but i did scream. i did break down. and i'm still crying.

i'm not alright. and i can't pretend.

people see me act out my anger and they say i'm stupid. in my absence they talk about me as if i'm some subhuman spawned from the depths of hell. i'm sorry i can't be smart and logical and perfect all the time. being close to perfect half the time is hard enough. and i'm sorry i'm not the happy, back-on-my-feet kind of person you thought i was. the type people love to hang around with. not some maladjusted freak who loses it in the middle of a public place.

i'm sorry i don't deal with disappointment and frustration and depression like most normal people do. but most normal people don't need 20mg of fluoxetine hydrochloride everyday.

i'm sorry i've become yet another disappointment in your sad existence.

most of all, i'm sorry i'm not like you.

i'm sorry i couldn't pretend to be ok when i'm so obviously not.

imitation of life

If my life were a film, I'd say it would resemble "Before Sunset". Short, simple, driven by good conversation. And you're never quite sure how it would end.

It's definitely not a film everyone would enjoy. All the more reason for me to love it. It's the kind of movie that you could appreciate on many different levels, and for many different reasons. Something you'd never get tired of watching over and over again, because the movie would have a different meaning with each time you see it.

If you're the type who stares at the night sky in awe, who appreciates the beauty of a full moon or enjoys the feel of rain on your skin... if you understand how important and beautiful it is to truly connect with another human being in so many ways... this movie is for you.

Or maybe it's just me. Maybe I love this movie because I see myself in Celine. The things she says, the way she acts... even the way Jesse described her is a something that I have called myself a few times. It's quite a surreal experience to see someone in a movie saying things you've said or thought before.

Some movies are great because of the amount of imagination that was put into it. They present ideas which are far from reality, and they take you to different worlds. "Before Sunset" is nothing like that. But it's even more moving because it captures reality inside circumstances which seem unreal. It helps you see what was, what is, and what could be. And it makes you believe that every so often, sprinkled along life's path, you get second chances to discover what might have been.