intimidated

just received my course curriculum through email. i am paralyzed. i cannot believe i agreed to do this. i don't know how the heck i am supposed to cope. god, help me!!!

final dissertation in three months... topic and outline (with matching defense) after first six months. holy cow. cow cow cow cow cow.

goodness gracious. the m.arch program schedule is not as tight, but the output is more design-based. (much like thesis in undergrad.) not that it matters, 'cause i'm in the m.sc program. man, i am going to go nuts. i swear. i don't know how i'm going to pull it off. gain another ten pounds, i suppose. (and i don't mean sterling!!!)

i haven't even finished reading the course content and i'm already panicking. panic panic panic. have to do advanced reading NOW!!! oh, good grief. i can't believe i have to pay to go through this kind of mental torture.

photo archive #008

animal photos

images taken from bbc news in pictures

sad

so i didn't get into the 16-month m.arch program. sigh. but then, i guess it shouldn't be a big deal, 'cause i originally was going to do the 12-month program anyway.

yeah, but it still stings when you know you're not good enough to get into a program you really wanted. than again, i really may not be good enough for the m.arch program, and it's better for me to stick to something i'm good at. technical stuff. boring, number crunching stuff.

sigh. i still feel bad. it's like saying i'm not a good enough designer to be considered for the m.arch program. which, in truth, i really am. i'll admit that much. but i was hoping this could help change that. 'cause the whole time i was in undergrad up 'til my work now, i didn't feel creatively challenged. or inspired. i felt like my creativity was limited, and kept boxed in. i wanted someone to help me get out of the box. i thought this could be it. i guess not.

it's like the rest of the world is telling me to just quit trying and stick to what i know. numbers and words and everything conventional. that should make my parents happy. i suppose.

but it leads me to one question - what about me, am i happy?

no. definitely not.

after hours

got ambushed twice after work yesterday.

my friend called while i was walking to my car from work. he's just about to finish up and asked if i'm free for coffee. he wants to interrogate me about the blind date he set up. fair enough, since i got a free mint chocolate chip javakula. and a very pleasant chat that lasted more than an hour. i could totally fall in love with him. but that's altogether another issue.

the second time, i got a free nutelle crepe. my high school friend (and usual partner-in-crime) just officially became a bum after four years of working for the same multi-national company. she wanted to celebrate, except that she couldn't find anyone to celebrate with. enter loser without social life - me. we met up past 10 at the best crepe place around - cafe breton. and ended up chatting for over an hour over fatty dessert.

food is always better when it's free. yum!!!

idol!!!

Champion Kelly Slater makes surfing history, scoring a perfect 20 out of 20 to clinch the Billabong Pro Tahiti title before the 30-minute final was completed.

taken from bbc news

i hate the world today

i hate every living being on the planet. especially the people i know.

life's a bitch. and then you die.

i should be so lucky.

killing time

if you've got nothing better to do (which i think is the case, because you have reverted to entertaining yourself through my blog), here are a few interesting links i've come across in the past few months.

Eject! Eject! Eject!

why i hate men

my opinion of men is now carved on stone.

i was the only female in a group of six males who went out for a coffee break this afternoon. on the way back, i saw a girl in a pink spaghetti-strap tank top (with matching lacy neckline!!!) fixated on her mobile phone. clear skin, full pouty lips that you can't help but notice because of the lip gloss. maybe 19 years old. i thought, "the guys will notice her, for sure." i was mildly surprised when none of them turned back for another look.

i gave them too much credit much too soon.

as we were crossing the street, not five meters away, the testosterone started talking.

"ey, did you see that?"
"still young, that one."

oh yes, why don't you continue talking that way in the presence of a LADY???

maybe i'm too much of a no-frills girl that they already think of me as a guy. or maybe they think i'm that dense (like they are!!) that i wouldn't get what they're saying. or maybe they just don't really care what i think, anyway.

contrary to what you may think, that episode didn't lower my opinion of men. it only reinforced my notions of male - for lack of a better word - piggery.

i know how most men's minds work. i know how to catch their eye, i know how to make them drool. but for the most part, i don't. though i very well can! it doesn't take a lot to wear 50% less fabric than i usually do. and i can certainly put on make-up almost as well as a beautician. but still, i curb the desire to. because i don't want to be perceived as just eye candy. because i know a guy who is just interested in how i look won't really be interested in the long haul.

it upsets me that men are so shallow, that most just see women as something to ogle. (choice of words very much intentional. someTHING. ogle.) okay, so not all men are like that. but heck, would guys smile at me if i weren't 5'7" tall, the right weight, and without any glaring physical deformities??? i already have this general aura that says "men, bugger off" - but it's not quite as effective without a quasimodo face. yes, it's human nature to be attracted to things beautiful. but how some men see women takes that innocent statement to a whole new level.

maybe men aren't really that superficial. but i have seen the drool reflex in practically every single man i've known. with the exception of my ex-boyfriend, who professed that he will not look at another woman after me. (in fairness, he pretty much held to that pledge. at least, while i was around.) if there is a male member of the human race who cares more about a woman's character than her appearance - feel free to introduce yourself. until then, i'll continue hating every testosterone-bearing (supposedly) sentient biped on the face of the planet.

disclaimer: this generalization does not apply to my guy friends. those people, i love. they wouldn't be my friends if they were so facile.

blind date #1

finally. it happened. first blind date of the year.

conversation tolerable. haha. free food always good. double haha.

this far into the dating scene, i can say with some degree of certainty that i overwhelm the guys who take me out. i don't hog the conversation, mind you, but i think the degree of unease they feel during the course of the date makes them run out of witty things to say.

over lunch, i lifted my head to look at my date seated across me. i looked straight into his eyes. (beautiful eyes, i might say.) when he met my gaze, he laughed and turned away. maybe i caught him staring. i don't know. am i disarmingly beautiful that men just lose control of their mental faculties when i look at them? i think not. (good hair day, by the way. hurrah!!!)

i think my friend painted too good a picture of my date that i was mildly disappointed when i met him. (his exact words were, i don't think you will be disappointed.) ha, shows you how much HE knows about female standards of social acceptability.

not standing up to offer girl a chair - not acceptable.
talking when your mouth is full - not acceptable.
having the girl carry 70% of the conversation - understandable, given the circumstances, but not exactly a good thing.
paying for the meal - okay.
walking girl to car - plus!

i guess i expect too much from men in general, and my dates in particular. i'm still waiting for the right guy who will sweep me off my feet. if he exists. if he doesn't... well, being single ain't too bad. you get free meals once in a while.

panic attack

i'm trying to curb my cursing, but last night i was scared shitless.

i took the metro rail home 'cause my sister needed the car. right before i got on the train my vision blurred. it wasn't the first time. a corner in my field of vision distorted the images i see. i tried to blink it away but it persisted. all the way until one or two stations before my stop.

i got off the train at my station, and when i passed through the turnestiles, i forgot which way i was supposed to go. i looked around to get my bearings, but i could hardly recognize anything. i couldn't even figure out which side of the street i am on, and which side i should BE on. i had to exert extra effort to think of where i am going. i made a wrong turn twice. and all i had to do was walk a maximum of 50m.

when i got to my pick-up point, i couldn't recognize our car. i couldn't recognize our driver. i had to stare a full minute then look at the license plate to even be sure i wasn't making a mistake. i asked the driver to bring me to the bookstore before we headed home. my wits were about me (more or less) but i had a hard time focusing on things. i knew where i had to go, and what i had to do, but i felt like i was an aimless nomad in a sea of books. i knew it was time to go home.

i wanted to talk to my mom, but she had to run to the atm to get money. so i lay in her bed, panicking and praying. i tried to sms a friend about what i was feeling, only to realize that my left hand had gone numb. it scared me even more. i started to cry. i asked god what was happening to me. when mom got home, i told her what i went through with tears running down my face.

i'm still not feeling very well today. head throbs, couldn't think straight, and just a while ago i felt a sharp pain on my right arm which started to numb my hand.

something feels terribly, terribly wrong.

out for a walk

i recently heard about carlos celdran's walking tours and have been itching to go since. i swung by his site and now he's got schedules and tour itineraries. anyone up for a tour of historic intramuros? please please please please please??? and maybe the CCP or evangelista street tour, too.

in case you're too lazy to check out his blog, here's the coverage of the tours i'm eyeing. (on dates i'm available.)

IF THESE WALLS COULD TALK!
Walking Tour of Historic Intramuros
Almost four years running now, its the most popular tour in the selection and a definite must for beginners in Philippine History. Take a leisurely afternoon walk along the 400 year old walls of Intramuros and take in a humorous analysis of Philippine art, culture, and society from Pre-Hispanic Manila until the present. Ironically irreverent yet informative.

Itinerary:

• Manila Cathedral
  
• Postigo Gate
  
• Church of St. Ignatius Ruins
  
• One Victoria Circle
  
• San Agustin Church
  
• Casa Manila Museum

Fee: Php400.00 adults PLUS
Php 40.00 - Casa Manila fee
Php 65.00 - San Agustin museum fee
Php50.00 - Horse Carriage Ride
Date: May 29 - Sunday - 3:00PM - Meet at the Manila Cathedral

MARTIAL ARTS!
Walking Tour of the Historic Cultural Center of the Philippines Complex
It's a tour all about the Philippines in the 1970’s and the tumultous era of Martial Law, bell-bottom jeans, and Miss Universe. Its a little bit disco, a little bit New Society, and completely Imeldific. So come take a trippy trip through National Artist for Architecture Leandro Locsins finest buildings as we analyze one of the most controversial periods in Philippine history.

Itinerary:

• The Cultural Center of the Philppines
  
• The Philippine International Convention Center
  
• The Coconut Palace

Fee: Php400.00 adults PLUS
Php30.00 - Philippine International Convention Center fee
Php100.00 - Coconut Palace fee
Date: May 14 - Saturday - 1:00PM - Meet at Figaro Coffee Shop

EVANGELISTA QUE LINDA!
Afternoon tea and window shopping through the flea markets of Evangelista Street in Bangkal, Makati
Check out the flea market paradise of Bangkal: Makati's mecca for shoppers looking for that fabulous find. Bring a bunch of friends and let's go scour for old records, retro furniture, vintage fashions, and whatever funky things might be lurking within it's rows and rows of second-hand shops. Lots of wooden mid-20th century architecture and a cute little market adds to the charm of the neighborhood. And when we're done, lets all converge for tea and a light snack at Fat Michael's, a cute little homegrown neighborhood bistro. We'll also be going Dutch. Pay your own way ala carte (average Php200.00). Maps will be given and tips on haggling will also be taught.

Itinerary:

• Fat Michaels Restaurant
  
• Evangelista St.
  
• Apolinario St.
  
• Hison St.

Fee: Donation of any amount
Date: May 28 - Saturday - 3:30 PM - Meet at Fat Michael's.
Fat Michael's is located at 1354 Gen Lacuna St. Bangkal Makati. (turn right at Makati Apartelle from southbound lane of South Super Hiway before Magallanes).
For those of you who are directionally challenged, we can meet at the Starbucks at the Petron on Pasay Road Dasmarinas Village entrance at 3:00 and we can convoy.

interested parties, please leave a comment or ym me. i'll make arrangements with carlos (feeling close) and update you. come on, it's high time we absorb some culture.

p.s. happy mother's day to all the moms out there!!!

goodbye girl

sung by bread

All your life you’ve waited for love to come and stay
And now that I have found you, you must not slip away
I know it’s hard believin’ the words you’ve heard before
But darlin’ you must trust them just once more...
’cause baby

Goodbye doesn’t mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn’t mean
We’ll never be together again
If you wake up and I’m not there, I won’t be long away
’cause the things you do my goodbye girl
Will bring me back to you.

I know you’ve been taken, afraid to hurt again
You fight the love you feel for me instead of givin’ in
But I can wait forever, a-helpin’ you to see
That I was meant for you and you for me...
so remember

Goodbye doesn’t mean forever
Let me tell you goodbye doesn’t mean
We’ll never be together again
Though we may be so far apart you still will have my heart
So forget your past my goodbye girl
’cause now you’re home at last.

good hair day

so good that my sister noticed and asked, "did you get a haircut?" (read: did you have your hair professionally blow-dried and styled today?)

not that i have exceptionally unruly, uncooperative hair. in fact, i have that rare variety of "wash-and-wear" hair, no matter what length. on exceptionally bad days, i just tie it up. recently, though, i've been growing my hair, and i have just officially passed the "flip" (in filipino, tikwas) stage. yes, there are off days. but generally speaking, it's been one smooth ride for the past week and a half. that's without any blow-drying or styling. hurrah!!!

let's hope the good hair lasts until my blind date next week. hahaha.

gripe gripe gripe

indoor air temperature = 30° C.

i've been perspiring since i got to work this morning. and it does NOT help that the electric fan i brought last week was borrowed by the NEW APPRENTICES last friday, and has yet to be returned since. yah yah yah, i'm being a selfish bitch. after all, the area where they're working doesn't even get AC. but still. it's MY fan. i brought it here for ME to use, and now i'm sweating. help me out here.

whine whine whine. the heat is making me restless. i cannot think, let alone work, under these conditions. my job is not creatively fulfilling as it is, and now i have to deal with the inefficient AC system. the temperature is making me irritable, too. i am beginning to show low tolerance for certain creatures in the office. the ones who take for granted that they have a functioning fan in their workspace which was NOT provided by the employer, but a co-employee, USING HER OWN RESOURCES!!! and maybe those who ask me questions that are supposed to be answered by the system administrator. do i look like i took computer science?!?! but of course, i still answer the questions. and i let ingrates hoard the fan. MY FAN.

i can't work. i REFUSE to work. ugh.

i want my fan back!!!

online survey

maybe you guys are getting tired of me asking questions the require a lot of typing. the last qom only had 6 answers. either all of you have more interesting lives, or you're just too lazy to click a few links and punch in a few extra keystrokes. oh well. time to let your mouse do the talking.

yep. it's a mini-poll instead. go ahead, go crazy. i'm keeping it on my sidebar for the whole month. (or longer, if i feel like it.) unfortunately, blogger posts don't support javascript, so you'll have to do a bit of work and scroll down to the mini-poll area. c'mon. you can do it.

(oh yeah, just to make sure we're on the same page...
potato chips = lays or ruffles. v-cut.
corn chips = doritos or tostitos. chippy, taquitos, nachos.
multi-grain chips = sun chips. nova or oheya.
fruit chips = duh. banana chips or whatever freeze-dried fruit there is.
just in case you're having trouble identifying the choices.)