the ghost of christmas past

i can't believe it's been two years. he is now little more than a memory, but i find reminders of the past in the strangest places. on the fire hose outside the ladies' room of my office building. along the street i pass on my way home. the bakeshop-deli me and my workmates frequent.

it was around this time two years ago that i fell in love with him. at least, i thought i did. looking back, i'm not quite sure if i did fall in love. or if i was simply finding a way to ease the loneliness.

logically, there was no reason for me to love him. no reason for me to be attracted. he was not tall, dark, and handsome. not by a mile. his sense of humor is cheezy. he has a nasal voice that no girl would ever swoon at. he wasn't exceptionally smart. and he was far from witty. but still i loved him.

i hated it whenever people asked me why i love him. because i could never find a satisfactory answer. whatever i said wouldn't be valid enough reason for the amount of emotion i felt for him.

not good enough. because he's the wrong skin color. he isn't from the right socio-economic class. he doesn't have the proper family background. all of which generally goes against the idea of me loving him.

maybe i have this warped belief that i couldn't do better. that i don't deserve anything more. better and more being the standards defined by my family. richer, smarter, funnier, more cultured, more refined... everything he isn't.

then less than a year later i fell out of love. the funny thing was we never got to really say goodbye. we just drifted away from each other. when we met up over a year ago, he tried to kiss me and i pushed him away. not because i knew it was wrong. but simply because i didn't want him to kiss me. i didn't want to kiss him. the magic was gone. and that was that.

the next time i saw him was probably six months later. he didn't change much. but he wasn't the same. he became just another guy. someone i used to love. a shadow from my tumultuous past.

garbled thoughts

a few notes before i go on an out-of-town trip and neglect my blog.

• i've said it before and i'll say it again - family vacations are always stressful. we're leaving first thing tomorrow morning, and as it is now, my parents are having drastic mood swings. hooo boy...


• my sister just got herself a string bikini. my YOUNGER sister. i feel conflicted about it. the farthest i've gone is a tankini, and even then i felt so... exposed. and incredibly flabby. ugh. turns out our YOUNGEST sister already has a flaming red bikini set. am i the only sister in this household who feels uneasy showing skin in a public place??? which also leads to...


• new wardrobe. just recently our church pastors and advisers have been clamping down on the ladies' dress code. i'm not saying i am unaffected... but i'm not the most flagrant violator, i'll tell you that. now i'm having second thoughts about the kinds of clothes i have, or i want to buy. which includes a string bikini. the elders' point is that we're beginning to dress "immodestly" and this leads to guys "stumbling" - which i totally understand. so again, i don't know if i should tell my sisters to NOT wear string bikinis on the beach. ok, they can argue that dressing is venue-dependent... they wouldn't wear bikinis to sunday worship. point taken. but the church sanctuary isn't the only place with roving male eyes. sigh. i guess i'm turning into a prude. what can i say, i feel that i look better fully clothed. (just shows how comfortable i am with my own body.)


• on a totally unrelated topic... i went to my previous office's christmas party. i only knew a third of the people there, but still i had fun. just seeing so many happy people made me feel happy, too. it was totally different from our office christmas party. (actually, christmas dinner.) i enjoyed both, but on different levels, for different reasons. what i appreciated at today's christmas party was the gift-giving... they got each other presents that the receiver absolutely loved. the glow on their faces when they opened their presents... it was something else. it was genuine. just thinking about it can help me go through a few stress episodes with a smile on my face.


• speaking of shallow matters now... i got extra cash!!! woohoo!!! thirteenth month pay from my old firm. (yes, same office as above.) unfortunately, i've been spending more on myself these past few months. have to curb the compulsion to keep buying things i want but don't necessarily need. like a cute string bikini. (yes, we are back on that topic. i have a one-track mind.)


• for the first time in my adult life (read: above 18), i got my parents christmas presents. as in i went and shopped for them. and i spent hours scouring malls and shops (for my mom's present, anyway. dad's was pretty easy.) it made me happy just getting them something for christmas. gift-giving is kind of passe in this household... i was the only one who got anyone anything this year. i know christmas isn't about the gifts. but i can't help but feel that my family doesn't appreciate christmas the way i want them to.

it's almost 24 hours until christmas. and yet sitting here inside my house, i could mistake it for just another summer's day.

state of being

for some unknown reason i want to hit something. i want to scream at the top of my lungs until i turn blue. then crumple to the ground and cry hysterically.

i want someone to wrap their arms around me until i stop crying. and tell me that it's ok to cry.

they say christmas is the most stressful time of the year. statistically, anyway. i don't know if i fit into that statistic, or into a different one.

life doesn't make sense anymore. maybe it never really did; i probably just made something up so my existence would seem logical, if not meaningful.

i am living in a time and place where there are at least two people within ten meters of me at any given moment.

i have never felt more alone.

caught on the net

hopping on the googlism bandwagon...

normally i don't like putting names on my blog. (it's part of the creative challenge to write something coherent without incrimiating anyone. PLUS, i'm paranoid, hahaha) so anyway, here are the more interesting results for my name. obviously, a lot refer to a certain thomas harris character. my personal comments in italics.

clarice is very skilled -the word is GIFTED-
clarice is still in america when she hears from hannibal again
clarice is "a saint" for having so much patience in terms of waiting -*grin*-
clarice is heroically human -wow.-
clarice is forced to shoot the drug lady while the woman is carrying a baby
clarice is one of four artists who call the former sisters' convent on the fourth floor at divine savior
clarice is a strong and determined woman -everyone can attest to this!!!-
clarice is finding the core of her existence at the fbi systematically undermined on a daily basis
clarice is fluent in all the gifts of the holy spirit and stands as a thoroughly yielded vessel for the working of god's miraculous power -how i wish...-
clarice is sybil's best friend; and she's always there to put an arm around her when she bursts into tears -now i have to find someone named sybil.-
clarice is a real huntress and has brought me many things in the past -oooohhh
clarice is no longer the west virginia rube who hannibal dismissed as "poor white trash"
clarice is a center slide candy container that stands 28" tall -okay, i don't eat THAT many sweets.-
clarice is reintroduced as a ten -a PERFECT ten, mind you.-
clarice is very friendly & lovable -nyahahahahahaha!!!-
clarice is the only distributor of germaine de capuccini facial products in this area with an extensive array of 12 different product lines
clarice is delicious in bed; but sometimes i wonder if i made a mistake in hypnotizing her into being my sex slave -what the?!?!? who wrote this???-
clarice is caught between two control freaks -yeah, my boss and my dad-
clarice is direct
clarice is a really bad name -what?!?!?-
clarice is 19" tall -excuse you, i'm 67" tall!!!-
clarice is now very sweet and loving -read... NOW-
clarice is or is not going to cry -three letters: PMS-
clarice is the designer and creator of our exclusive line of patterns
clarice is soooo sexy -*grin*-
clarice is a product of god loving parents who taught her the true meaning of dedicating your life to the will of god -uhm...-
clarice is too direct -yes yes yes, i get the picture!!!-
clarice is called in for a grilling -aren't i always?-
clarice is such a lovable girl -*grin*-
clarice is a single mother of a three -please don't let this be a prophecy!-
clarice is in the midst of career and personal crises because she reacts by bursting into tears -no, i'm just experiencing PMS-
clarice is the agent of good; she works hard

hormonal imbalance

i've been pigging out, breaking out, and stressing out (yes, in that exact order) the past couple of days. it means only one thing. it's almost that time of the month. ugh.

strange. i've only started exhibiting all these symptoms within the past year. prior to this, the only tell-tale sign would be skin problems (i get cystic acne) - and that's not even a consistent signal. (i've only had short spells of clear skin throughout my post-pubescent life.) now everytime i'm about to get my period, i get food cravings, oily skin, and REALLY touchy. maybe my friend's magic 25 theory IS true. women's bodies go through radical changes once they hit the quarter-century mark. the mood swings i can explain with another reason, but the bingeing totally escapes me. i've always been an oinker, but these days i've noticed that my appetite goes up a notch a week before my monthly. or maybe it's always been that way, and i've just been more observant about pms these past few months. whatever the reason, my hormonal imbalances are now more obvious to me than ever. oh well. stranger things have happened.

rambling

today i will just ramble about everything that's been happening in my life for the past few months. the things i have not blogged about, but have been planning to, and haven't by virtue of a busy schedule. forgive me if i segue from one topic to another incomprehensibly.

have a few posts in the works. (just in my head! haven't even had time to type them down...) to the people who are interested in my love life (almost everybody who knows me, i presume) - good news. i blog again. hahaha!!! of course, all parties concerned frequent my blog. talk about complicated. there is probably no earthly way to write about it and not have them feel suspicious. que sera, sera.

remember the alicia keys concert? that was... wait, check calendar... two months ago?!?! man. talk about delays. anyway, i pretty much enjoyed the concert, though to be honest, it wasn't the best i've been to. yes, she's a good performer. yes, we got pretty good seats. (though i really would have wanted to be a bit closer!) but i guess i expected a bit more. as usual. yes, i have high expectations. even though i didn't pay for my ticket. which brings us to... ahem. him. after a few days of stalling, i finally brought up the issue. this was way after the concert, take note. my opening statement? "you know you're not my type, right?" yes, i am blunt. yes, i am borderline crude. but hey, i've known this guy since high school, and the best way to deal with this is to give him straight talk. so he answers with a simple yes. i tell him that i feel he's blurring a few lines, if not crossing them (i.e. line that separates friendship from something else!) and i let him explain himself. he says he has the utmost respect for me (he'd better!!!) and that he wouldn't dare cross the line. (really now???) if he's been acting sweet it's because he was caught "in the moment" and nothing more. (but if you ask me, those moments seem to be coming more often than i'd like.) and he does nice things for me (like treat me out to an expensive concert) because he knows it makes me happy. that maybe for a few moments in my seemingly-sad and highly-frustration-laden existence, i can do things that i actually enjoy doing, thanks to him. now what can i say to that??? okay girls, all together now... aaaaaaaaawww. *sigh*

yes we're just friends. i really, really, REALLY am not attracted to him. gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. (no offense to him, of course.) and i pretty much know that he's not interested anymore. BUT.... hehehe. will go back to this topic later on, as i go through a chronological presentation of my life in the past few months.

moving on... cow, i don't have time. that should satisfy my fans for now...

photo archive #005

lost in la union

coffee shop

she sat sipping her hot chocolate in the couch perpendicular to his. he looked different tonight. but then again, she doesn't quite remember how he looks. it's been a month, maybe more. she got tired of counting the days.

he had finally asked her out. not a moment too soon, she thought. she had all but given up on him. she was about to chuck him into the reject bin like the rest - albeit a little apprehensively - 'cause she already formed a personal policy. he didn't know it, but she had decided that with three strikes, you're out. and he almost missed the last pitch.

so there they were, cradling cups of hot chocolate in the corner. she didn't know much about him. and he didn't do much to change that. she did most of the talking, as she was accustomed to doing... if he had known her any better, he would have noticed that she was extra chatty, and her voice was a pitch higher. she thanked her lucky stars that he seemed to be a bit distracted that night.

if she had only known what he was going to ask.

~~~

all the while her words kept running around his head. not the things she was saying at the moment, but things she wrote weeks ago. he had a funny feeling it had something to do with... or was he just reading too much into girlish babble?

he had to find out. and tonight he was going to.

after an hour or two of chatter, he sprung the question. of course, he had thought out a nice opening statement already. what he didn't expect was how smoothly she was able to sidestep the question. man, she's good.

next time, then. he knew there would be a next time.

it was close to midnight when he drove her home. her voice had slowed to a sleepy murmur. then they settled into a comfortable silence.

when they got to her place, he got out of the car and waited for her to be let in.

goodnight.

she waved.

then he drove away.

hang ten!

yes, that's me. surfing.

battle scars

here's proof of my now-colorful life!!!


on right thigh, from bike


on right arm, from surfboard


on right thigh, from surfboard and fin

they look worse than they feel, trust me. as if those weren't enough, i plan to go mountain biking on real dirt paths within the next three months. and a few more surfing sessions in december. fun fun fun!!!

i also plan to go rock climbing, rapelling, and zip-lining. anyone with me?

question of the month #003

you know how this goes...



i'm asking this on a personal level... but if you would rather answer the question from a global point of view, go right ahead. of course, feel free to explain. a score sheet might work, too. (for the inner nerd in you *wink wink*)

as for me... i'd say 2004 was a pretty good year. it would fall in the eight zone... maybe even pushing nine. i've gone through a lot of experiences that helped me grow... from spending nights in the office to dislocating my shoulder to going on a surfing trip with virtual strangers. yeah, 2004 is a good year. and i'm glad i didn't leave for london just yet.

let's hear what you have to say! comments, please.