expended expendable

*sigh*

i'm so doggone tired i don't even want to blog anymore. all the thoughts that i wanted to put down have come and gone. and i don't have to energy to recall them.

i just want the rest of the world to leave me alone for eleven days. maybe even ten.

for ten days, maybe remember that i am working on a deadline on virtually every single thing i have to do. and that, although it may seem like i have a lot of time on my hands, what with being unemployed and all, i actually don't. i have the same 24 hours everyone else has. and it seems like everyone is claiming a lot of my 24 hours for themselves. thirty minutes here, twenty minutes there... *sigh*

maybe for the rest of the time i'm around, people can actually show that they value me. and they respect my time. that i was not made to wait around and wait on everybody else. that, as much as it seems contrary, I HAVE A LIFE. and it's not THEIRS. it's MINE.

and maybe, just maybe, they'll realize that i'm already totally spent. that there's nothing left for me to give. then maybe they'll stop taking.

you think YOU have a bad job...

Big jobs that pay badly
Some careers cost time and money to take up. But don't expect a big paycheck.
August 17, 2005: 10:39 AM EDT
By Jeanne Sahadi, CNN/Money senior writer

NEW YORK (CNN/Money) – Most of us work hard for a living. And if we're lucky, we're well compensated for the effort.

But there are some jobs you should take only if you really love the work because the investment you make to get the job and the hours you keep aren't necessarily commensurate with what you earn.

Not that all careers in this category are necessarily low-paying, at least not by national standards.

But they may require a great deal of time and money in graduate education, offer working conditions that only passion can excuse, and there may be such a long run for the roses that you forfeit prime working and child-bearing years just to achieve a salary that college peers were earning a decade earlier.

Here are just three of those jobs.

Architects

For every Philip Johnson or Frank Lloyd Wright in a generation of architects, there are countless more who work without fanfare on the everyday buildings where we work, live and shop.

Architects may spend up to seven years completing undergraduate and master's-degree studies, or up to three-and-a-half years in a master's program if they majored in another area during college. To be eligible to take the licensing exam, they also must log three years as interns working for licensed architects.

Architects with a master's might enter the work force with between $50,000 and $80,000 in student loan debt. But as first-year interns, they might earn only $34,000, the national median according to the 2005 compensation survey by the American Institute of Architects. Meanwhile, several steps up the ladder, senior architects earn a median of $68,900.

* the rest of this article can be read at cnn money. but i have to just put in this last line by the author...

So, to those who earn their MBAs in two years and snag six-figure jobs soon after graduation, your jobs may be hard, but maybe not quite as hard as you think.

amen to that.

interneeeeeeeeeeeeht

finally, after two full days of internet deprivation, i have local, personal, DIRECT access to the world wide web once again.

i feel alive. hahaha.

opened my mailbox, and i have thirty-two new messages. ten of which are personal emails. two of which are regarding flats to rent, one of which is regarding a flatmate. which brings to mind one of the more stressful aspects of moving. but i will not dwell on that right now.

really, the overflow of information is making my head spin. unlimited access to the information highway!!! hooohah. can you spell n-e-t-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t?

of course, i have to check my poor neglected blog. (two days is long in blogging time, you know.) a few new comments, and a tag. not bad.

so little time, so much to surf. *sigh*

excuse me while i peel myself off this pc.

my head

it hurts.

spent most of the afternoon with my clients, choosing bathroom fixtures, tiles, and what not for their condominium unit. of course, virtually nothing has been resolved. except that i have to come up with a bill of materials within the week. waaah. kill me. kill me now.

only resurrect me a day before i leave for london.

i think i am having a mild heart attack. my head hurts from the increased blood pressure. which keeps me from thinking straight. which slows down my production. which makes me panic even more. repeat.

i need to take a breather. but taking a break would just make me worry about what i SHOULD be doing. goodness, i am so NOT used to working under pressure anymore. i used to always thrive on buzzer-beaters. then again, those things weren't really my own projects. less accountability. so THIS is what it feels like to be your own boss. and your own employee. man, i need a raise.

blogging is supposed to help me cope with the stress. come on now, COPE!!! BREATHE!!! *sigh*

i feel lightheaded. i swear, if i were the type, i would have fainted dead away two hours ago. instead i end up with a dull throbbing in my head. hurrah for me.

time to focus. shyeah, right.

and did i mention that i'm still getting stressed out about the flat / flat-sharing issue? of course, the father had to bring it up while i'm busy WORRYING about my project. one at a time, please.

i need a body double. and a stunt double. and a work double. heck, let's just clone ten of me for good measure. okay, wait. that's not such a good idea.

gaaah. i'm losing it.

i am SO losing it.

flat hunt

so here i am, looking for a flat in london. and/or flatmates. i don't know if my parents understand how DIFFICULT it is to arrange for long-term accomodation online, from twenty thousand miles away. i have seen a number of viable options, but no, my flatmate has to be chinese, if not east / south-east asian. take note - not just asian. south-east asian preferred, east asian acceptable. south asian unacceptable. HELLO?!?! who is going to be living abroad again? you? me? ME?! REALLY NOW??? well, how come i'm not the one making the decisions around here???

*sigh*

as if having four less days to get ready isn't stressful enough. (my suitcase is 95% full, by the way. which COULD mean i'm 95% done packing. operative word being COULD.)

so what's wrong about living with a caucasian? as long as they're practicing christians, i don't think i'll have a problem with them. really, some people have screwed-up priorities. is it more important for me to FIND A PLACE TO STAY FOR 12 MONTHS, or is it more important that my flatmate speaks chinese??? well?!?!

yes, i'm stressed. somebody PLEASE tell my parents to give up on the stringent borderline-ridiculous requirements, and see the big picture. that i NEED AN AFFORDABLE PLACE TO STAY FOR ONE YEAR. it's already a given that i'll have to share - flats in london are WAY too expensive to live alone. so now that i've agreed to not live on my own... can you let up on the chinese requirement???

my space

i received a newsletter from my space. i was just going to unsubscribe myself to their mailing list, but i thought, since i don't usually check that website, might as well cancel that useless account. heck, i only have three friends on that thing. 1% of the contacts on my friendster account. so off to my space i went. and guess what met me there.

a new message.

from a male stranger.

who wants to be "friends" - or something more.

stop me from laughing my ass off, please.

ever since i started that account, i've had more than three "hello there" messages. what is it about that site?!?! LOSER CENTRAL.

the messages (yes, there were two) were about a month old. i couldn't help myself. i checked out his page. he is a 39-year-old entrepreneur from california. all-out sales pitch in the profile - sensitive male looking for interesting female companion! and... dig this. he has ZERO friends on his contact list. pick me up off the floor after i run out of breath laughing, please.

at least he's not from london. hahaha.

yes, i cancelled my account soon after. about ten minutes ago.

like i said - i am a loser magnet. and london will be the acid test.

hold on to your hats, people, this girl's got some stalkers to dodge, and possibly some hearts to break.

early departure

yes. my exit has been bumped up by four days. i now have 21 days left on this island.

when the announcement was made (obviously, it wasn't my idea) i felt... sad. among other things. because leaving four days earlier meant missing one extra weekend with my friends. stressed, because i have four days less to clean my room, pack my suitcase, and finish my freelance project. sentimental, because the fact that i am leaving is sinking in even faster.

and those feelings lasted all of... twelve hours? maybe fifteen. because the next day, i got myself my lonely planet europe backpacking guide. it's sitting on my night table, still unopened. but the fact that it's there, waiting for me to pore over the pages... it gives me a strange feeling of exhiliration. the thought that i might go backpacking in spain, portugal, and france just makes me excited at leaving earlier.

then there's the prospect of meeting mr right. as my friend / chatmate put it... "you're a guy magnet... i doubt there are many losers in london." oh, we'll just see about that, friend. we will see. at any rate, the thought of meeting new and interesting people always puts me in a better mood.

right now, the biggest problem is the flat and/or the flatmate. getting there earlier should help in that department. so no worries. (not much, anyway.) the lord will provide. he's gotten me this far, right?

28 days

yep, 28 days to go. visa interview tomorrow. and i'm still not halfway through my list of things to do before i leave.

so, back to my life on hand.

saw "swan lake" last saturday. the ballet itself was wonderful, the circumstances surrounding it not exactly pleasant. let's just say the family was being a pain in the arse. we had one ticket left over, which we sold at the venue to a tall, admittedly good-looking, and undeniably gay man. drats. as for the show, it ran for two and a half hours, and the venue was packed. half of the audience were less than half my age. i cannot believe it, either. what were these parents THINKING?!?! and i doubt half of the adults present completely appreciated the ballet itself on more than one level. (snob speak, sorry.) and, ballet being a predominantly female activity, i can't help but notice one thing... the men in the show were pretty useless. hahaha. (what a statement. and from a ballet, of all things.) the lead ballerina was superb. absolutely. every other dancer onstage just paled in comparison. not to say they weren't good, but this girl was definitely a cut above the rest.

the rest of my weekend involved getting blisters on my feet for walking a significant distance in heels. and a recurring foot sprain due to athletic activity. somebody tell this idiot to lay off the injury-prone activities for the duration of her stay on this island.

then there is the harebrained idea concocted during the last remaining hours of the weekend. which involves a surfboard and a three-hour drive next saturday. and off we go. (pending parental consent.)

eloisa to abelard

by alexander pope

excerpt from lines 177 to 248

Ah wretch! believ'd the spouse of God in vain,
Confess'd within the slave of love and man.
Assist me, Heav'n! but whence arose that pray'r?
Sprung it from piety, or from despair?
Ev'n here, where frozen chastity retires,
Love finds an altar for forbidden fires.
I ought to grieve, but cannot what I ought;
I mourn the lover, not lament the fault;
I view my crime, but kindle at the view,
Repent old pleasures, and solicit new;
Now turn'd to Heav'n, I weep my past offence,
Now think of thee, and curse my innocence.
Of all affliction taught a lover yet,
'Tis sure the hardest science to forget!
How shall I lose the sin, yet keep the sense,
And love th' offender, yet detest th' offence?
How the dear object from the crime remove,
Or how distinguish penitence from love?
Unequal task! a passion to resign,
For hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost as mine.
Ere such a soul regains its peaceful state,
How often must it love, how often hate!
How often hope, despair, resent, regret,
Conceal, disdain — do all things but forget.
But let Heav'n seize it, all at once 'tis fir'd;
Not touch'd, but rapt; not waken'd, but inspir'd!
Oh come! oh teach me nature to subdue,
Renounce my love, my life, myself — and you.
Fill my fond heart with God alone, for he
Alone can rival, can succeed to thee.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.

Far other dreams my erring soul employ,
Far other raptures, of unholy joy:
When at the close of each sad, sorrowing day,
Fancy restores what vengeance snatch'd away,
Then conscience sleeps, and leaving nature free,
All my loose soul unbounded springs to thee.
Oh curs'd, dear horrors of all-conscious night!
How glowing guilt exalts the keen delight!
Provoking Daemons all restraint remove,
And stir within me every source of love.
I hear thee, view thee, gaze o'er all thy charms,
And round thy phantom glue my clasping arms.
I wake — no more I hear, no more I view,
The phantom flies me, as unkind as you.
I call aloud; it hears not what I say;
I stretch my empty arms; it glides away.
To dream once more I close my willing eyes;
Ye soft illusions, dear deceits, arise!
Alas, no more — methinks we wand'ring go
Through dreary wastes, and weep each other's woe,
Where round some mould'ring tower pale ivy creeps,
And low-brow'd rocks hang nodding o'er the deeps.
Sudden you mount, you beckon from the skies;
Clouds interpose, waves roar, and winds arise.
I shriek, start up, the same sad prospect find,
And wake to all the griefs I left behind.

for the bored

if you've got time to kill and extra neurons to spare, hop on over to my other blog... durrr. it's a team-up of the most maladjusted people i know. proceed at your own risk. and don't say i didn't warn you.

on other matters... i am now starting to pack my bags for the big trip. and cleaning out the aggregate junk in my room. looks like it's gonna take a while...

and on a totally unrelated note, i would just like to state that my personal best (and generally, standard consumption) at a buffet dinner is seven plates. four entrees and three desserts. have done that in two buffet dinners in a row. (excluding weddings - i still have SOME poise, you know.) let the record show that, at age 26, i can still have seven plates for dinner and not throw up or feel physically ill afterwards.

meanwhile, today's dinner is four hours away, and there is a roast pig with my name on it. (wait, that doesn't seem right...) oh, whatever.

bad day

some days you just wish you weren't born.

i should have known today was going to be a bad day. should have known it since the time i got a throbbing headache early in the morning. one that didn't go away for the rest of the day. until i took a pain killer this evening.

everybody in the house hates me. almost. i don't know. i just feel so... unwanted. like a major let-down.

when in fact all i did was not get home in time for tonight's ballet.

which is not entirely my fault, because i told them a million and one times i'll be out this afternoon. i was at the office. and i left a good hour before i was due home. it was raining. i was stuck in traffic. i ran red lights and plunged headlong into floodwaters to get home in time. only to find my two sisters not quite ready to leave yet. not ready enough for me to change into a different top and still wait a good minute or two in the car. but still, it was my fault. or it seems like it.

it wasn't my fault mom wanted me to drive her someplace this morning. and i had to run late for my lunch date. which was also pushed back because my friend had a 1pm deadline. it's not my fault traffic was against me, and 90% of the streets in the city of my destination were either one-way, or didn't allow left turns or u-turns. it's not my fault i spent 30mins going around in circles just to get to the parking lot. and you can't blame me for wanting to rest a while once i got to the office. i was in the car more hours than i was anywhere.

it's not my fault my obile ran out of batteries. they were supposed to last until tomorrow. apparently, there is something wrong with my charger, and the power outlet in my room. up to now, my phone isn't charging properly.

but still, it get this feeling that it was my fault. not that they said anything to me, but they pretty much blamed me when they reported to mom.

forget that i cooked and cleaned for four days in a row, two to three meals a day. forget that i was almost always the one left home to open the door for everyone else while they were out. forget that i pretty much paid for tonight's disaster with the last remaining cash in my wallet. forget that i drove for four hours out of my ten-hour day. and that this was the first time i was out of the house for more than two hours to do my personal stuff. that's saying a lot, because it takes me at least 30mins to get anywhere, usually longer.

and even though i know it's not really my fault, i still feel bad. like it IS my fault.

god, i wish you would just take me away. some days, i really just can't go on like this.

good news?

excerpts from a bbc news article...

London was the most cost-effective city to study and work in, as higher wages outweighed the living costs, with Liverpool and Birmingham next, it said.

The research shows the average London undergraduate spends £243 a week on living and housing costs, but earns £150 from part-time work, leaving a gap of £93.

Of the £9bn to be spent next year by students, RBS said about £3.5bn would go on rent.

Another £1bn is expected to go on supermarket food shopping, £722m on going out, £342m on books and course materials, and £198m on music and CDs.

The recent study by the Association of Investment Trust Companies found students expected to leave university with an average debt of £7,208, while parents estimated it would be £9,741.

However, both were well short of the actual average debt a student has on graduating, which is £13,501.

The RBS survey is based on interviews with 2,639 undergraduates.

Student earnings league
'Cost-effective' towns for students, in ranking order
1 London
2 Liverpool
3 Birmingham
4 Manchester
5 Sheffield
6 Cardiff
7 Coventry
8 Southampton
9 Dundee
10 Leicester

Source: Royal Bank of Scotland

looks like working in london is better than working anywhere else. as a student, anyway.

enneagrams

found this interesting little test via poni's blog. and this is what came out...

first test, i am types 1, 4, and 7 (same score on all three types.) second test, i am type 7 (highest score) and type 4 (next-highest score). let's have a looky... (results arranged by rating. entries in boldface are those which i strongly agree with, entries in italics are the ones that make me go "que?")

The Adventurer / Generalist (the Seven)

Adventurers are energetic, lively, and optimistic. They want to contribute to the world.

How to Get Along with Me
* Give me companionship, affection, and freedom.
* Engage with me in stimulating conversation and laughter.
* Appreciate my grand visions and listen to my stories.
* Don't try to change my style. Accept me the way I am.
* Be responsible for youself. I dislike clingy or needy people.
* Don't tell me what to do. !!! (exclamation points my own.)

What I Like About Being a Seven
* being optimistic and not letting life's troubles get me down
* being spontaneous and free-spirited
* being outspoken and outrageous. It's part of the fun.
* being generous and trying to make the world a better place
* having the guts to take risks and to try exciting adventures
* having such varied interests and abilities

What's Hard About Being a Seven
* not having enough time to do all the things I want
* not completing things I start
* not being able to profit from the benefits that come from specializing; not making a commitment to a career
* having a tendency to be ungrounded; getting lost in plans or fantasies
* feeling confined when I'm in a one-to-one relationship

Sevens as Children Often
* are action oriented and adventuresome
* drum up excitement
* prefer being with other children to being alone
* finesse their way around adults
* dream of the freedom they'll have when they grow up

The Romantic / Artist (the Four)

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me
* Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
* Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
* Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
* Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
* Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a Four
* my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
* my ability to establish warm connections with people
* admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
* my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
* being unique and being seen as unique by others
* having aesthetic sensibilities
* being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a Four
* experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
* feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
* feeling guilty when I disappoint people
* feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
* expecting too much from myself and life
* fearing being abandoned
* obsessing over resentments
* longing for what I don't have

Fours as Children Often
* have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
* are very sensitive
* feel that they don't fit in
* believe they are missing something that other people have
* attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
* become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
* feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

The Perfectionist / Reformer (the One)

Perfectionists are realistic, conscientious, and principled. They strive to live up to their high ideals.

How to Get Along with Me
* Take your share of the responsibility so I don't end up with all the work.
* Acknowledge my achievements.
* I'm hard on myself. Reassure me that I'm fine the way I am.
* Tell me that you value my advice.
* Be fair and considerate, as I am.
* Apologize if you have been unthoughtful. It will help me to forgive.
* Gently encourage me to lighten up and to laugh at myself when I get uptight, but hear my worries first.

What I Like About Being a One
* being self-disciplined and able to accomplish a great deal
* working hard to make the world a better place
* having high standards and ethics; not compromising myself
* being reasonable, responsible, and dedicated in everything I do
* being able to put facts together, coming to good understandings, and figuring out wise solutions
* being the best I can be and bringing out the best in other people

What's Hard About Being a One
* being disappointed with myself or others when my expectations are not met
* feeling burdened by too much responsibility
* thinking that what I do is never good enough
* not being appreciated for what I do for people
* being upset because others aren't trying as hard as I am
* obsessing about what I did or what I should do
* being tense, anxious, and taking things too seriously

Ones as Children Often
* criticize themselves in anticipation of criticism from others
* refrain from doing things that they think might not come out perfect
* focus on living up to the expectations of their parents and teachers
* are very responsible; may assume the role of parent
* hold back negative emotions ("good children aren't angry")

liberty!!!

i am finally out of the clutches of the vile creature that is - WAS - my boss. not that i ever acknowledged him as such. just one month into that firm and i was professing to a friend / chatmate that "he's not my boss. he just signs my paycheck." talk about an attitude problem. but it has served me well. if i take anything the so-called boss said seriously, i'd probably have a coronary or some other stress-induced health problem by now.

so what does one do for six weeks before flying off to foggy london? i am now, as my dear friend captain obvious puts it, the only up-educated magna cum laude graduate full-time domestic helper. applause, applause. thank you, thank you.

on my less content days, i would have been griping and bitching about having to be everyone else's back-up maid, cook, and driver. (some days computer technician, and even electrician.) but these days, i'm quite ok with the idea of helping out. in fact, i enjoyed preparing everyone else's food for the past three meals. (don't tell my mom, though. she might get ideas.) maybe it's the fact that i'm leaving in six weeks. or that i have to cook and clean for myself once i'm in the british isles, anyway. or maybe i'm just plain happier now that i don't have to work for an uncivilised (british spelling!!! hahaha) slave driver of a supposed boss. (of course, he had cement his reputation of being sub-human in the last few hours of my employment. but that's another story.) or it could be that i just realized how blessed i am compared to 80% of the local population.

it feels good to be alive.