another one bites the dust

not exactly the sentimental, poetic type of title you'd expect from a post that talks about death. yet again.

i think i'm becoming desensitized to the mortality of people around me. maybe it's the frequency i receive such news. maybe it's because the death prior to this was the ultimate shocker, and death by any other fate would not faze me anymore. maybe it's because i didn't care much for the person who died recently. (yes, it's someone i know personally, so it should make SOME kind of impact.)

the former dean of my college passed away last tuesday. i received the news with a deadpan face. i did not go through the shock - anger - denial - depression - acceptance pattern. i jumped all the way to acceptance without so much as a bat of an eye. ok, so he's dead. life goes on.

when a friend and colleague asked if i would go to the wake, i said, "i can't pretend to care."

i can be so heartless, i know.

there was a memorial service for him at our college this evening. i didn't plan on going. a classmate asked me yesterday if i were, and i said, "i have to find peace in my heart first. he was not my favorite person." brutal, but hey, at least i'm honest.

i found peace in less than twenty-four hours. prayer does wonders, i tell you.

during the service, i have come to realize one thing. under different circumstances, the dean and i might have gotten along pretty well. if he had not pegged me as a spoiled fil-chi girl who can't take public transport. if i hadn't stereotyped him as a closet-case homosexual who is so full of himself. maybe we would have been able to engage each other in a healthy intellectual discussion about life and architecture. just maybe.

still, i feel no regret. i feel no loss.

life goes on.

on being beautiful

who, me? beautiful???

ten years (and fifteen pounds ago) i would have said "who are you kidding???"

when i was younger, i never believed i was anything near pretty, let alone beautiful. i was surrounded by girls much prettier and more popular than i am. i was the geek who spent her spare time in the school library, away from everyone else. besides, hardly anyone would compliment me on my looks. they all kept saying how smart i am. and how can i forget my sister's answer when i asked her if i'm pretty? she said, "yeah, you're pretty. pretty ugly." self-esteem down to zero.

i thought i was ugly, but i hardly spent time fixing myself up, either. my mom and my sister would criticize me when i snoop around and play with my mom's makeup. i was instantly labelled as vain. to underscore that reputation, my dad got me a stuffed version of vanity smurf. (nothing like some positive reinforcement.) since then, i stayed away from cosmetics and mirrors.

flash forward to present.

i went shopping yesterday, and as is my usual habit, i smiled, greeted the parking attendant, and said thanks. as i drove away, he replied, "you're welcome. and you're also beautiful."

ha?!?!?

okay, so i'm flattered. it's not everyday that i get compliments from strangers. though i have to say, i'm getting a bit more attention from the opposite sex these days. and it does wonders to my self-esteem. for the first time in my life, i'm beginning to think i am actually not that bad-looking. (okay, sometimes i think i'm pretty hot, but saying so would be pushing it.)

i still don't spend much time fixing up. i am one of the few women who can live without a hairdryer or a mirror. my sisters (and my brother!) use my bedroom's full-length mirror more than i do. (for the record, my older sister had it put there. i didn't have anything to do with it.) but i AM getting more conscious of how i look. maybe it's an offshoot of the testosterone-induced attention. (it still baffles me how i seem to be gaining fanboys and stalkers by the minute. baffles, but it doesn't mean i don't like it!)

truth be told, i enjoy being beautiful. who wouldn't? you get compliments, extra attention, and the occasional admirer. finally, i am getting the kind of attention that i so desperately wanted when i was growing up. finally, i can look in the mirror and think, i am beautiful.

and i'd actually believe it's true.

on vacation

yes. i will be going on vacation. sort of.

i won't be going to work. i won't be at home. i won't be coming in contact with a computer, much less internet access, within the next five days.

i'll be in the mountains of rizal, where the bath water is freezing and the signal of my mobile service provider is weak.

goodbye, civilization. i'll be back soon.

letting go

had a horrendous day. not that i lost an arm or became instantly broke. but it was one of those days that started okay, then it became a downward spiral all the way until midnight. things that would normally not have bugged you, bugged you. all because you were already in a lousy frame of mind within two hours into your day.

today's "highlight" came late in the evening. dad was in one of his moods. (which happens 90% of the time.) i was not in any condition to tolerate him today. tempers flared, and i decided to go to the gym to chill. i left without a word, because i was in no mood to face the grinch. of course, the parents took it negatively. of course, the mother had to confront me. of course, the father had to put in a few more deregatory remarks when i got home. welcome to my world.

i realize i've been holding on to a lot of hurts my family has caused me. i never did feel that i belong to this household, and perhaps it trickles into my attitude. then they give me flack for it, and then i feel unwanted again. it's a vicious cycle. i want it to stop. i want to finally let go of all my family-related hang-ups.

since writing is my venue for stress release, i thought putting these thoughts into words would help me get over my hurts. maybe.

a few of the more hurtful things my parents have told me in my lifetime.

we've spent so much money raising you to this age, and you do this?

- it's always about the money, isn't it dad?

what would people think when they see you this way? how would it reflect on us as your parents, on us as a family?

- okay, so now it's about you and your reputation.

you're so selfish; you're always just thinking about yourself.

- maybe because you don't think about me at all. except, of course, when you're getting mad at me.

if you keep this up, you're going to amount to nothing.

- oh, thanks for the vote of confidence. really.

sigh. with my parents, i never win.

if only i could not care.

impressions

this has got to be the weirdest comment i have received in my lifetime. okay, maybe not. but it's pretty close.

"i hope you don't get offended, but you seem to be the type who would kiss a guy on a first date."

WHAT?!?!?!

i cannot BELIEVE people (read: men) actually even THINK of things like that. but apparently, they do. they probably size up women according to their bustlines. (incidentally, that same guy once said to me, "for someone of your height, i'd expect bigger boobs." okay, maybe it's just HIM that's weird.)

do i give the impression that i'm easy??? or aggressive???

. . .

WELL???

okay, different scenario.

went on a beach trip a few weeks back. met this girl who hung out with us. consequent conversation with friend regarding new girl:

she likes sticking to guys.
yeah, well, guys like sticking to her, too.
hello, with what she's wearing, of course guys would go near her. (fyi, she was wearing a string bikini.)
hey, what i'm wearing is pretty close! (haltertop bikini with board shorts)
yeah, but you have a more... wholesome aura.

hm. either i really do look more wholesome (what with a hundred square inches more of fabric coverage) or i look less... friendly. or maybe i'm just fatter and uglier. (of course, i would never accept THAT rationale. because, among other things, i've got a better tan. ha!!!)

honestly, i'd rather be seen as a prude than a flirt. i don't need to take off my clothes to have men give me a second look. i get enough unwanted attention fully-clothed, thank you. besides, men who are interested in me 'cause i look great in a 2-piece are not worth my time. so there.

blog tag

hm. apparently i am the only one not keeping an eye on the book survey tag. just realized i was tagged almost two weeks ago. i followed the survey among my blog friends, and i think two weeks is the longest time that someone didn't answer the survey. ooh, pressure, pressure. should i, or shouldn't i??? i've already thought up of answers in my head, all i need to do is type them up. hmm. yeah yeah, i'm feeling important right now. humor me.

reasons to answer survey.

1. it's about books. duh.
2. i can pass it on to someone and get some neat ideas on what to read.
3. i can see if these things ever really die. and how they evolve.
4. i can change some questions, or add some. just for kicks.

reasons to NOT answer survey.

1. it's formulaic. not at all like the creative input i'd usually post on my blog.
2. i've seen it way before i got tagged, and my answers won't be spontaneous anymore.
3. circumstances have already changed since i got tagged. i.e. book last bought, book currently reading, etc.
   
4. i don't do chain letters. and it's basically the same thing.

hm. oh well. i guess i'm letting it die a natural death. i'm a snob, after all. an intellectual snob, at that.

oh, and being the nerd that i am, i just HAD to find out what farenheit 451 was about. surprise surprise, one of the key characters is my namesake. different spelling, but close enough. curiosity and vanity are now prompting me to get a copy of this bradbury novel and read it. any reviews out there?

in memoriam

I knew her since high school. Maybe even before that. I don't quite remember. I do remember, though, her bubbly personality. She was the type who would find the good in everyone, in everything. She loves the world, and the world loves her.

Whenever people see her, the first thing they would notice is her harelip. But they soon forget that little detail once she's charmed herself into their hearts. She didn't dwell on her looks. And that's what made her beautiful.

She was smart. Funny. Talented. Simple. Reliable. Selfless. Considerate. Understanding. Patient. She was a lot of things to a lot of people.

She knew pain and hurt and sorrow. But she took all these with a smile. Always a smile.

I lost track of her after high school. She was supposed to meet up with me and other friends early this year, but she couldn't make it. She had to tutor her 14-year-old sister that night.

We weren't really good friends, but it didn't matter. She's one of those people who can get along with anyone. Because she spends more time loving people than judging them.

She died in a car accident early this morning.

She just turned 26 exactly two months ago.

summer cleaning

for the life of me, i can't seem to find my things. i KNOW i put them in a "safe" place... but they're not in any of the usual safe places i use. i am beginning to think there are malevolent spirits residing in my closets and drawers. supernatural beings who take my things just to spite me. i am not kidding.

strangely enough, only things from a particular phase of my life are missing. the time after board exam and before employment, to be exact. i KNOW i cleaned up my things after the exam, to rid myself of all the useless acquired junk throughout the review months. and i KNOW i set aside all those important things, like extra copies (ORIGINALS, mind you) of my transcript, birth certificate, and what not. actually, what really got me cleaning was my straight edge. same reason i started cleaning a quarter of a year ago. i have two spare parallel rules, both disassembled and standing in the corner of my room in a bucket. with all my other arki-related stuff, like t-squares, tracing tubes, and old plates. the ONLY things that are not with them are the cords and screws needed to attach said straight rules to a drafting board or table. which, unfortunately, have gone AWOL. i tried to llok for them back in october, when my officemate bought my drafting board and straight edge for the january board exam. the thing lost a nut, (okay, that sounded bad...) and i needed to replace it. i KNOW i had two spare sets of nuts and bolts, for the two other parallel rules i have. i looked for them in the places i THOUGHT i kept them. not there. i looked for them in places i wouldn't have thought i kept them. not there either. in the end, i just gave up and told the guy, "i'm sorry."

this time around, i started cleaning up 'cause i plan to donate my old arki stuff to a church friend. their house burned down last week, and she needs arki stuff for her thesis year. so i was back to rifling thorugh my things, trying to find those darn cords nuts and bolts, which i KNOW i put in a red national bookstore plastic bag, and tucked away in my arki junk drawer. after two hours of searching, and consequently CLEANING my room... no red plastic bag. no cords. no nuts. no screws. no bolts. i DID find, however, the following:

1. old ID cards from grade school. i think grade two all the way until grade five. might even have kindergarten and prep ID's.
2. cardboard cut-outs i used as toys.
3. old jackstones and mi-pao sets. (do you remember those???)
4. christmas greetings in my ugly fourth-grade script.
5. photos and contact prints from college photography class.
6. old, inkless pens!!!
7. childhood arts and crafts projects. a lot of which are plastic straw mice.

needless to say, i got rid of a lot of things today. but, i still haven't found what i'm looking for. (cue U2 music.)

on a side note, if any of you guys have any old arki stuff that you're willing to give away, please let me know!!! no need for straight edges. (though cords and bolts would be greatly appreciated.)

question of the month #007

summer is here!!! the time for beach trips, group outings, kicking back and relaxing in the sweltering heat. i know i shouldn't be promoting this type of hedonistic lifestyle... but what the heck. this month's question:



hands down... a surfing trip to la union. or samar... or siargao!!! *sigh* i am officially hooked. can't wait to hit the waves again this june.

an alternative would be backpacking to some remote island in the philippines, like batanes. where the beaches are unspoiled, the people are simple, quiet folks, and "roughing it" would be a gross understatement. just me and god's handiwork. aaaaah...

leave your comments! and have a fun-filled summer!!!